Black Tears Innocent Blood Bittersweet Truth
by TheDeathChamber
Summary: Severus must allow Dumbledore to peruse his most private memories in order to spy for the Light. Chapter 20 updated! Not HBP nor DH compliant.
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: Characters belong to J.K.Rowling

NOTE: My gloomy, dark, sad version of how Snape gave himself in to Dumbledore. Includes Veritaserum and Childhood Snape. It's actually quite interesting. Please read and review. By the way, it will be a chapter centered on Snape thoughts and then on Dumbledore's. Enjoy! -Thanks

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Snape apparated before the looming dark castle. The night was old and the dying moon was casting it's wan pallor on every object, giving an edge of unreality and dreamlike quality to the Hogwarts grounds. It reflected on the lake as if it were a liquid white diamond of sparkling stars, the tree's bare limbs outstretched to the sky, swaying with the wind like underwater algae; the castle's towers and turrets like a forgotten crown left to rot.

The wind whipped his robes around him but his body was numb, a simple tingling coursed through his head and down his spine every few seconds. He registered dimly the iced frost falling from the sky, as if the heaven's had opened a window and were throwing little pieces of soft clouds to adorn the bare rock and dress the naked trees. His breath was shallow with a sort of nervous anticipation, his mind was reeling as though he were drunk. Swallowing the bile that threatened to rise from his mouth he took an uncertain step forward, his boots crunched in the frozen dirt, hardly audible above the frantique beating of his heart and pounding blood in his head.

His long pale fingers curled around the gate's bars and he rested there for a moment, his forehead pressed against the cold iron.

Doubt began surfacing in his mind, a vapor like substance to cloud his senses, persuading him to go back to that mindless state of hatred he had been for the last two years. For a moment his feet shuffled backwards as though attempting to run off of their own accord but guilt and reason shone in his mind once more like the light of a dim candle in the midst of a dense fog. He could not continue like that, knowing in the deepest part of his rotten heart that he was doing evil, murdering innocent people and helping to carry the world and humanity in a tray to Voldemort, as if he were carrying a bag of pure souls on his back and walking straight down cracked steps to hell, ready to hand it to the bloody claws of the devil.

The gates swung open to a simple touch and as he stepped inside he felt his resolution growing as his determination strengthen. He would prefer death than this cursed existence he lead- for the blindfold had been removed and he had seen the abyss around him, he had felt the pain upon discovering the jagged rocks he walked over, his ears had burst at the sound of the screams and shrieks that surrounded him. He had wavered if perhaps he should simply let himself fall over, hand himself to smirking Insanity, the key to his mind lost in the sea of madness and his soul's pieces swept away to burn. But reason had won the struggle and he had trudged forward and escaped the line of slaves before him to stray into a strange garden where green grass still shone and fragrant flowers overpowered his nose. He knew he was besmirching the haven, his blood staining the dewy grass blades, his presence a shadow of evil in the sunny paradise.

His sore feet walked him up the hill, and he fancied he could see the velvet rug that lead to Goodness' and Light's king, the throne on which Albus Dumbledore sat and beheld the world he seemed to hold in such high esteem. The doors to the castle were ajar, which made him frown and he wondered dimly if Dumbledore was already aware of his presence. He did not think the man a fool enough to leave the door open for any Death Eater to enter in that way. The whisper of his robes seemed to echo in the immense and seemingly roofless corridors, cankling in his ears as though he were wearing a robe of rusty chains instead of cloth.

The gargoyle stared at him haughtily and flexed it's stone claws. Severus glared at it tiredly and hoped he would not have to curse it to get to the Headmaster, he wished to cause not further harm. He did not wish any more in truth. He did not hope.

'Let me in bird, it is urgent business.'

'Password.'

The guardian responded coldly with an insolent eye. Snape took out his wand and pointed it at the statue.

'I do not have it. But you will let me pass.'

If the gargoyle had had eyebrows it would have raised them, instead he simply glared at the young man and flashed it's talons, casting the wand a wary glance. He heard his master's voice suddenly in his head and was ordered to let him in.

'Very well.'

Snape jerked his head in an impatient nod entered swiftly as the gargoyle parted to reveal a roving staircase. His eyesight dimmed suddenly as he stepped up and he panicked for a moment at the thought that he should not be able to transmit all the information he had to Dumbledore before he died. He blinked and found himself facing the wooden door.

His mind was blank, but his heart had slowed to a steady pace and he was resolute. He would not turn back. His hand descended on the doorknob and he pushed the door open.

He found Dumbledore seated in his desk, clothed in comfortable purple robes with shining moons and stars on top of a snowy white nightgown. Blue eyes inspected him calmly, fingers interlocked together in an easy position. Snape took another step forward until he was at level with the chairs in front of the Headmaster's desk, but he did not sit down.

'Headmaster Dumbledore.'

He whispered hoarsely, feeling his life was held between those old yet strong fingers, balancing on the tip; he wondered for a moment if he should fall onto the floor or be cupped between those wrinkled hands. He should fall, he knew it in his mind as hope was blown away.

'Severus Snape what brings you here at these late- or should I say early, hours?'

Dumbledore answered politely. Snape felt the urge to smash against the crystal window and disappear from the earth, erase all worries as his mind crushed against the stones below. The intense gaze of those shining blue sapphires left him more uneasy and grief-stricken than the Dark Lord's own glowing red. He shook his hands out of his robe's pockets in a convulsive movement and hands trembling even as his determination held firm, he leaned forward and stretching out his left arm pulled the cloth upwards to reveal his wax-like skin, dirtied by the grinning Dark Mark. The skull was burned black, the serpent protruding out of his mouth in such a gruesome image of a mocking tongue. It was truly the conquer of death, that the snake should wound it's coils around the symbol of the unliving.

He saw the old man back his head away for a moment, his face never revealing a second emotion but calm expectation. He leaned foward after a seconds and grabbed Snape's wrist forcefully as his nose nearly touched the cool skin. Snape stiffened as the fingers closed around him and he wondered if that would be the feeling as the dementors caught hold of his neck and lowered their cloaks to administer their fatal kiss.

'I am a servant of the Dark Lord.'

The young man said finally as the Headmaster relinquished his arm. He pulled it back regretfully, some how longing to have left it in his care, as he longed to tear that parchment where his past decisions and mistakes were inscribed and be able to start anew, though he could only expect for the whole parchment of his life to be burned and the ashes scattered, no memory retained of his worthless existence.

'Why have you come here Mr. Snape?'

He tried to read some emotion in the wrinkled face but none was visible. Swallowing tensely he took a small step forward.

'I have come to give myself in.'

'You should have gone to the Ministry.'

'You are the true leader of Light.'

Snape managed to choke out, he found it hard to breathe.

'I see. But it will amount to the same for I will simply call the Ministry for them to take you over.'

The Slytherin nodded, then shook his head, then nodded again. Yes, he knew he was bound for Azkaban-or perhaps even a Dementor's Kiss but he wanted to help before and the only person whom he knew would listen was Dumbledore.

'I wanted to give you some information before that, sir. You may find it useful.'

'Are you attempting to reduce your imprisonment, Mr. Snape?'

Severus gazed for a moment confounded, then he thought the penalty might indeed be lowered somewhat since he was volunteering information and collaborating. His lip curled in spite of himself and a smirk of disdain appeared in his face.

'I acknowledge myself completely guilty and plead for no mercy or pity, even should they choose the kiss. I shall not struggle.'

He watched Dumbledore inconspicuously from behind his curtain of greasy black hair and saw the bushy eyebrows had raised ever so slightly although the rest of his face remained impassive. His eyes strayed down to his beard, a silver white river of sparkling hair. He remembered suddenly how he had stared at that long flowing beard that night in his second year when the werewolf had nearly bitten him; how he had looked upon it as a mantel of justice, the blue eyes calm waters in which to finally swim at peace- but the waves had shook his boat and he had fallen in and as he tried to hold on to the mantel of justice it had turned out to be but old crisp hair which crumbled under his fingers.

'Indeed... How can I know you have not come to harm me in some way?'

'Here.'

Snape responded swiftly though somewhat irritably and extracting his wand from his pocket set it on Dumbledore's mahogany desk. The old man picked it up carefully and inspected it closely; it was a fair twelve inches long, of a dark reddish color, seemingly cherry wood. He nodded and motioned for Snape to take a seat while he pocketed the wand. Snape sat on the edge of a chair, uncomfortable under the Hogwart's headmaster unwavering gaze.

'How can I trust what you are going to tell me?'

'I have brought Veritaserum. It has been brewed by myself though if you do not trust it you may get it from your own stores.'

Severus reached inside his robes once more and took out a small vial filled with a clear, transparent liquid. He set it on the table where it stood, balancing silently on it's rounded bottom and charmed unbreakable. Dumbledore extended his hand and picked it up carefully, opened it cautiously and smelled it slowly and deliberately before taking a drop himself. Snape frowned slightly at the old man's naivety- if he had been attempting to poison him he would have already succeeded.

'Ask me a question Mr. Snape.'

The young man searched his mind for a moment before settling on a question which would both satisfy his curiosity and prove to Dumbledore the potion's veracity.

'Did you know of my arrival upon my reaching the gates?'

'Y-yes.'

Snape noted the struggle as the old man struggled to avoid answering or perhaps lie before the potion forced the answer from his lips.

'Why did you let me in?'

'Hogwarts will notify the Headmaster upon anyone's arrival, a warning if the person brings dark intentions and the decision rests on us as to whether deny their entrance or not. I was warned only of a nighttime visitor not an enemy.'

Snape averted his eyes and took a moment to regain his composure while staring at the elegant, sparkling white plume on the desk before returning Dumbledore's silent contemplation.

'Take the Veritaserum and I will question you.'

Dumbledore ordered finally after a few seconds, his eyes like silent judges, never leaving Snape's face. Snape lowered his eyes and reaching for the vial took three drops. The taste was bittersweet, like truth itself it was said. He decided to settle his eyes on the blank parchment which had suddenly appeared lying on the desk. He wondered if this would be the last taste on his tongue before the dementors sucked all memories and thoughts away and he no longer distinguished tastes, smells, sights or voices. Or perhaps this would be the last potion he would hold between his fingers, his last creation before he was locked in Azkaban. He found he did not care.

'State your name.'

'Severus Snape.'

'Age.'

'Twenty.'

'You are a Death Eater.'

'Yes.'

'Yet you are no longer loyal to Voldemort?'

Snape flinched at the sound of the name for which he held such loathing now though once he had honored it with reverence, and yet he found himself too cowardly to pronounce it. He noticed suddenly that the parchment was no longer blank but was adorned by elegant loopy writing, the quill was no longer in it's place and an old wrinkled hand rested while it waited for a response. Dumbledore was taking record of the interrogation. He would be a fool not to.

'No.'

'When did you join Him?'

'After graduation.'

'That very night?'

'Yes.'

'Could you tell me why?'

'I-I thought it w-was the opportunity to a-avenge myself.'

He replied haltingly, the words slipping from him before he had had time to ponder for a moment and formulate a good answer.

'Avenge yourself for what? And of whom?'

'Of everyone for having t-treated me how they had...-' Snape paused as he fought the Veritaserum and in one rapid and panicked movement had taken another drop of the potion.

'More than three drops is dangerous.'

'I don't want there to be any doubts of the truth of my words. Vengeance seemed within my reach. I wanted to humiliate instead of being humiliated, I wanted to cause pain instead of suffering it, I wanted to be respected, even if it was through fear.'

Some of the old hatred resurfaced as he spoke and his voice trembled with emotion- a mixture of suppressed anger and self-disgust. He had been so tired of everything. Of his life. Lost in a dark empty room when suddenly a door had appeared, open it seemed to everything he had wished for. But the door had been locked behind him as he stepped inside and only then had he seen it was the spiked gate of a cemetery and his new abode was a gloomy graveyard. At first he had consoled himself thinking that at least the moon illuminated the earth and the tombs and phantoms were there for company- better than being alone in that void darkness, caged between four rotting walls. But then the red cloud of blood had parted to reveal the shining white orb and it's pure light had destroyed the illusion. He had seen he was caged once more, the phantoms were but haunting, soul-less corpses and his reason had returned, his eyes opened as were his ears. He had tried to forget, continue as though he had never questioned the "cause" but he could not tie the blindfold around his eyes again, he could not quiet the ceaseless murming of his conscious. Reason shouted in his ears louder even than the shrieks and pleads of the victims.

'Why did you turn back?'

'We were ordered to break into a muggle house. We killed the adults, the little girl was crying in her closet. I opened the door and saw her there. Crouched and sobbing, hugging her teddy bear. Those eyes so empty of- fault. She did not even know who we were or what we stood for. She knew nothing. Her tears were a beg for mercy, so full of ignorance...'

'Innocence.'

Dumbledore interrupted suddenly. Snape looked up and stared at the Headmaster who had his quill poised for writing, but there was something in his eyes. He couldn't be sure what it was.

'Perhaps...' he acknowledged with a small shake of his head. 'I tried to bring up some reason to kill her and I thought suddenly that I had never had a teddy bear, loving parents who papered my room and bought me toys. But- that wasn't her fault, nor anyone's. Another Death Eater came up from behind and seeing me paralyzed murdered her with a simple spell. I stared at her corpse, her eyes were still glassy with tears but the whimpers had ceased. I don't know how long I stood there, until I no longer saw her young still warm body but a decaying skeleton. Snakes slithering between the bones, devouring the putrid flesh. I questioned what glory there was in conquering over the dead who could no longer defend themselves. What rightness and reason were behind murdering and not dueling in equality. I realized that both pure-bloods and half-bloods, even muggles have the same eyes. They differ only in their blood, and the difference is not even visible and need not be seen at all if it were no because we spilt it.  
Since then I started thinking, my conscious was restless and I felt so empty and sick. I pondered what to do. I thought of death, but I could not bring myself to do it. Not out of cowardice or fear of death but because of guilt I suppose, because I felt the need to do something at least. Because I was not worthy of the repose that death represented.'

'And you decided to come to me.'

'Yes. You were the only one would listen and the information would be better in your hands than in those of the Ministry.'

Dumbledore was silent. After a few moments Snape raised his eyes and saw the old man was gazing at him calmly. He felt unnerved as though he were uncovered and his soul were suddenly naked of all the veils and walls he had built around it. Shame crept into his heart and he lowered his eyes once more.

'Tell me how many people you have murdered.'

'Seven muggles outright, three wizards and through my poisons I do not know.'

'Tortured.'

'Five muggles and a wizard.'

'Can you give me names of more Death Eaters?'

'Yes. Lucius Malfoy- it was through him that I was introduced to the Dark Lord, Crabbe, Goyle, Karkaroff, Mcnair and the Lestranges. I do not know any others.'

Dumbledore asked a few more questions; about recruitment, attacks planned and other particulars to which Snape responded as he could. Slowly he felt the effects of the potion diminishing and the fogginess in his brain dispelling till he was in full control of his answers.

'What do you propose I do with you Severus?'

The young man raised an incredulous eyebrow.

'Whatever you see fit.'

'If I should call the Ministry you would be either given the Dementor's Kiss or locked up in Azkaban till the end of your days...'

'If that is the fate that awaits me.'

'I have another idea.'

Severus raised his head and stared at Dumbledore calmly, all nervousness seeming to have left him to be replaced by a cold indifference. After all, he had done what he had set out to do. It no longer mattered what happened to him.

'You wish to help the Light, do you not?'

'Yes.'

'If you are locked in Azkaban you will not be able to do it. I propose to you a different option, a punishment worse perhaps than prison.'

Snape did not answer, though he hesitated. Then nodded. He deserved whatever punishment was induced on him. Death was too merciful and he had not had mercy with those innocent people he had killed or tortured. He did not deserve any mercy either. And if it also gave him the opportunity to amend his evils somewhat then he was ready to take it. Whatever it may be.

'To be a spy.'

His colorless lips parted slightly in surprise and his eyes widened. _A spy? A traitor? _Well, he was already a traitor. A spy... He could understand why Dumbledore referred to it as a punishment worse than prison. To be obliged to remain in the Dark Lord's servitude, to continue to listen and participate ( in some measure) in the atrocities of the death eater activity and having to report them back, he knew the risk- if he was discovered he would have death, but not swift and pleasant as he desired.

'You trust me enough?'

He asked with a slight frown.

'After this interrogation I only need your back ground which I shall obtain by Legilimancy. If you do not concede then I am afraid I will be forced to call the Ministry.'

Snape grimaced in spite in himself and felt his breath growing short. His mind exposed. A vein ticked in his jaw at the very thought. He had been guarding his mind since had discovered Occlumency and began teaching it to himself. He had taken to hiding his own mind to himself...and now, he would be disposed of his only protection, laid bare as he had not let himself even to the Dark Lord.

'I-I...' He remembered those eyes full of tears, windows to an innocent soul. 'I will do it.'


	2. Chapter 2

DISCLAIMER: the usual story

Note: It's going to be a few chaptered story, I see you seem confused as to whether it was a one-shot. Well, no not really. Not excessively long unless I get some kind of brainstorm... But anyways. Here's Dumbledore POV of the first chapter. Hope you're enjoying it. Read and review!-Thanks

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Dumbledore raised his head as the soft sound of tingling bells filled his office. Abandoning the pile of letters he had been perusing on his desk he walked to the window and inspected the Hogwarts grounds calmly. The sky was a deep dark blue, although reddish tinges of dawn were bordering the mountain crowns. It was snowing lightly, small pieces of white frost landing gently on the tree's naked branches, on the dry grass or drowning silently in the profound waters of the lake. His eyes strayed to the gates, where the pale moonlight shone lightly on the metal bars. He noticed the dark figure standing before the gates, his robes billowing around him. Sighing he waved his wand to allow the doors to open and the bells quieted slowly until the final echoes ceased. He watched as the man stumbled foward and proceeded up the hill before he lost sight of him as he entered the castle. Turning away he sat back down and put the papers in a drawer before leaning foward and resting his chin on his entwined fingers. He wondered who was approaching him and what surprises he would bring; he had a feeling they would be singularly unpleasant.

Time elapsed quickly when he heard the gargoyle guardian struggling with the mysterious someone, he commanded it to let him in and leaned back in an attempt to appear calm and comfortable. Though a nervous tingling was running through his fingers, he rubbed the tips together trying to rid himself of the sensation.

The door was silently pushed open and the man entered. Dumbledore jaw's trembling as he fought to avoid it falling open in shock though his eyes widened imperceptibly. He recognized the young man though he hadn't seen him in two years, the boy had always had some very distinguishing features. Although he had changed dramatically to the worst. Severus Snape looked as though he hadn't eaten or slept in days; his skin was a waxy white and dark smudges crowned his protruding cheekbones. His hair and robes were sprinkled with snow and he was shivering though he seemed oblivious to the fact. The man took another step foward until he standing right in front of him.

'Headmaster Dumbledore.'

It brought a small stab remembering the child's silky voice and he hoped it was nothing more than a cold which made his voice so distorted compared to the usual. Then he recalled that incident, if it could be denominated in such a trifling way, in which the Slytherin had been victim to a mind-less prank and very nearly attacked by Remus Lupin in his werewolf state. His voice had been as dry then, cracked like a piece of damp mud left to dry in the sun. But his eyes, his black orbs had been full of hatred and betrayal, now they seemed empty.

'Severus Snape what brings you here at these late- or should I say early, hours?'

He asked politely, successfully keeping the shudder from his voice. He watched with a worried air as Snape jumped and shook his hands out of his robe's pockets, they were extremely bony, though long and graceful. Before he had realized what had happened Snape had pushed the sleeve of his left arm up and shoved his arm in his face. He backed away at the sudden assault in spite of himself but quickly leaned in as he noticed the dark brand that marred the otherwise pearly white skin. It was the Dark Mark, burned into the skin- he thought with some dread as he inspected it closely. It was only natural of Voldemort to brand his servants as though they were cattle. He felt the muscles stiffen under his touch and held it rather more forcefully than he usually would have done before finally releasing it. The young man pulled it back quickly.

'I am a servant of the Dark Lord.'

Albus closed his eyes for a moment at the blow and swallowed, his mouth dry. Why had a Death Eater come here? He knew many Slytherins of the last years had turned to Voldemort and was not surprised to discover Snape had been one of them- and yet why had he come to confess? Perhaps it was a trap and he had actually come at Voldemort's orders to attempt to harm him. Somehow he found it implausible. And the school would have warned him of the dark intentions. His objectives, whichever they were, were pure.

'Why have you come here Mr. Snape?'

He asked, his face impassive.

'I have come to give myself in.'

'You should have gone to the Ministry.'

He replied coldly. His heart twinged with anguish and he wondered if Snape had come here on purpose, his form of vengeance to make him suffer instead of quietly handing himself to the law. For he was suffering, in spite of himself it hurt him to see an old student destroyed thus. Ruined. _'You are the true leader of Light.' _He heard the words though it took a moment his brain to interpret them. He heard the young man's ragged breathing and was moved, but he remembered this man had probably murdered, tortured and who knew what other atrocities. He blew his words away like feathers in the window though the despair that had been unconsciously engraved in those words had edged a deep cut in his heart.

'I see. But it will amount to the same for I will simply call the Ministry for them to take you over.'

Dumbledore frowned as the young man nodded, shook his head and nodded quickly. He wondered if his sanity was intact for his attitude was peculiar, though he had always been strange.

'I wanted to give you some information before that, sir. You may find it useful.'

Distrust rose in him, as swiftly as a snake dropping from a tree to coil on the neck of an unwary wood-traveler. The man was then a coward who in a pathetic (yet cunning) attempt to reduce his inevitable imprisonment upon leaving Voldemort had come to denounce some other Death Eaters as though a few names would alleviate the death sentence that perhaps awaited him. He was sadly disappointed. He was of course, no Gryffindor. Confusion overtook him as he watched Snape's thin lip curl upwards and the known smirk form in the pallid face.

'I acknowledge myself completely guilty and plead for no mercy or pity, even should they choose the kiss. I shall not struggle.'

His eyebrows raised even as he struggled to maintain a cold facade but this had truly surprised him, and yet the whole meeting was an unexpected occurrence which he never would have imagined should take place.

'Indeed... How can I know you have not come to harm me in some way?'

He asked though he knew those were not his intentions. Snape's reactions did not cease to surprise him as the young man irritably presented his wand. Dumbledore took it and analyzed it quietly. Cherry wood, a signal of intelligence and power, of a comfortably long size. He pocketed it just in case.

'How can I trust what you are going to tell me?'

After a long searching gaze in which he discovered nothing but Snape's uneasiness which was visible without close inspection.

'I have brought Veritaserum. It has been brewed by myself though if you do not trust it you may get it from your own stores.'

Dumbledore extended his hand and took the potion in his hand. He had known the boy was a promising potions brewer, most twenty year olds would not be able to brew such a complex potion. And if he was not mistaken the man had been made a Potions Master a year before, though it had been a quiet affair and hardly an inch-long paragraph had been dedicated to announce the youngest ever to be awarded the title. In normal circumstances if would have deserved a long winding interview, but with the present war those things were given scarce notice.

He held the vial carefully and opened it somewhat cautiously then smelled the contents with special awareness. He recognized most smells and none seemed to combine to make a deadly poison. He took a drop and asked the man to question him in order to try the veracity of the truthfulness potion. Cunning was a trait very common among Slytherins, Dumbledore had to agree as he heard the young man's question. He struggled to avoid responding but the potion won and the reply was forced from his lips. Another well placed question which he responded truthfully.

'Take the Veritaserum and I will question you.'

He ordered after a few seconds in which he pondered and weighted every possibility. He had nothing to lose in hearing Snape's information. He watched carefully as the man took the usual three drops and settled his gaze on the parchment which he had taken out at the moment to record their conversation.

'State your name.'

'Severus Ignatius Snape.'

'Age.'

'Twenty.'

'You are a Death Eater.'

'Yes.'

'Yet you are no longer loyal to Voldemort?'

Snape as most people flinched at the sound, though Albus wondered if it was for perhaps different reasons than most.

'No.'

'When did you join Him?'

'After graduation.'

'That very night?'

Dumbledore asked somewhat incredulously, a strange sense of failure dropping like a heavy stone into his stomach.

'Yes.'

'Could you tell me why?'

'I-I thought it w-was the opportunity to a-avenge myself.'

Things were taking a dreadful turn and he sensation of somehow having failed to notice a crucial information doubled.

'Avenge yourself for what? And of whom?'

'Of everyone for having t-treated me how they had...-' Snape paused and Albus had no time to grab hold of the fragile wrist before he drowned another drop in a seemingly panicked and frantique movement.

'More than three drops is dangerous.'

'I don't want there to be any doubts of the truth of my words. Vengeance seemed within my reach. I wanted to humiliate instead of being humiliated, I wanted to cause pain instead of suffering it, I wanted to be respected, even if it was through fear.'

Dumbledore noted how the voice shook with what he assumed was anger and the weight in his stomach seemed to be boring a hole through him, in a brutal attempt at escape. Severus' black eyes glittered strangely and Dumbledore decided to continue.

He listened with horror at the tale. Sorrow shredding his heart slowly to bloody ripped pieces. 'Innocence.' he interrupted, for he could not bear the misconception. Yet unvoluntaringly pity roused in his chest as he gazed upon the young man for he had a feeling that error had dark roots of which he had no fault. Severus continued with his explanation, though the story could have been inconspicuously related at a Halloween festival to traumatize the younger children and leave the adults shocked. The last sentence especially made a deep impression on him. That he should consider himself unworthy for death, it was a posture most people were very far from taking. The fear in their eyes when they spoke of the long-dreaded death while this boy, sat down calmly and said he was not afraid of death, but even longed for it, for he saw it as an outlet of his misery.

'And you decided to come to me.'

'Yes. You were the only one would listen and the information would be better in your hands than in those of the Ministry.'

He remained silent as he stared at the young man. A solution planted firmly in his mind already as he watched a hint of a shade of color rise to Snape's cheeks as their eyes met before he lowered them in shame. The other questions were too painful for him to dwell on them more than necessary. Ten people and who knew how many more through his expert poisons. He could not suppress a small sigh but forced himself to continue. He was especially interested in learning the names of more Death Eaters, though he wasn't surprised to discover most of his suspicions were true. By the time he had worn himself out of questions the effects of the potion were gone it appeared, with no ill effects, although Snape seemed somewhat feverish.

'What do you propose I do with you Severus?'

He asked, although he was questioning himself more than the young man, who nonetheless raised a fine eyebrow and answered in a way which left it very clear to Dumbledore that he was relinquishing himself to his mercy, or lack thereof.

The time had come to present his idea. Snape watched him calmly and answered his questions coldly. He took care to explain exactly what he had in mind, and for a moment he wondered if he deserved such harsh punishment. Yes, he had murdered and tortured innocent people!

'To be a spy.'

At this Snape's cold demeanor melted and he showed the only true and intense emotion since he had entered the room. His thin lips parted to reveal his yellowish-crooked teeth and his eyes widened considerably. Dumbledore could almost hear the thoughts in the young man's head before the doors closed once more and a frown creased his forehead.

'You trust me enough?'

Dumbledore nodded and announced his intentions of submitting him to the Legilimancy charm in order to get a good background information. It pained him slightly for it was an unpleasant experience, but he not could simply hand the safety of the Order of the Phoenix's members without true and utter conviction of the man's loyalty; he could not hand the lives of Light's warriors to a man he hardly knew nothing about. A vein ticked rapidly in his pale face and Albus noted how his breathing once more grew shallow, his body's response to agitation it seemed.

'If you do not concede then I am afraid I will be forced to call the Ministry.'

He pronounced, a weak threat though he _knew _Snape would not refuse.

'I-I...I will do it.'

Snape affirmed haltingly, though determination made his eyes hard as black pieces of onyx. Dumbledore leaned back a bit more easily and gave a small sigh. This would be a very long day he thought as the first subtle rays of dawn shone through the windows, sparkling on the frost.


	3. Chapter 3

DISCLAIMER: Same as before

Note: Thanks for all the reviews. Hmm...I'm not sure about this chapter, a bit melodramatic. Anyways, hope you enjoy it. Review please. Oh by the way, I spell checked both the first chapters and this one. Forgive me for past mistakes (faithfate- I knew it sounded weird.)

Snape's hands were shaking even as he hid them in the folds of his robes. He heard the small sigh escaping the old man and bit his lip to retain one of his own.

'You might want to sit a bit more comfortably Severus, this may take a while.'

He shook his head forcefully in denial, though he did back a little in the chair, fearful of falling off in the middle of the ordeal. The thought of his mind being opened in that way was overwhelming and he could not suppress a shudder. The whole of his memories perused as though he were a book made his hands tremble more violently and he had to keep reminding himself to continue breathing. Dumbledore was still looking at him quietly. Snape lowered his eyes, he could not bear to look at those blue eyes, such silent judges. He longed to run off as soon as they gained eye contact. He rocked in his chair for a moment as he fought to stifle the moan of anguish that threatened to escape him.

'Would you like anything before we start?'

Dumbledore asked rather kindly. Severus could not frowning in incredelounce. He shook his head again, trying to dispel the pounding ache that had begun mounting in his head. The old man nodded, hesitantly it seemed.

'Legilemens.'

As the spell hit him he immediately set up the onyx walls around his head and his mind filled with nothing but black void. He opened his eyes as the spell was lifted and after a quick glance at Dumbledore lowered his eyes.

'Excuse me. It's the habit...'

Let's try again, shall we?'

He heard the spell whispered softly once more and hit him like a gentle wave in the moderate swaying of the sea. He raised the walls once more, then forced himself to bring him down. He could not abandon now, he had to do this. As they crumbled the rubble mounted at the feet of a tattered black veil- his first attempts at blocking his mind with Occlumency. He saw the Headmaster murmuring under his breath, but still staring at him unwaveringly. Slightly irritated and extremely nervous he let the old man part it and enter. Pain shot through his head as though he had been suddenly hit with a hammer but he forced himself to be still. He deserved this. Instantly memories rushed through his brain, so fast he did not know how Dumbledore would be able to sort them out. All those memories he had refrained from analyzing in years he thought sadly, fighting the tears that begun stinging his eyes. He blinked them away quickly and felt as a calm soothing sensation invaded him and his mind ceased reeling. He felt Dumbledore choosing a few memories and closed his eyes as the old man began perusing them at his leisure.

SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSs

_Severus rushed into the room, a big smile planted on his face as he hurried to his mother. Upon reaching her he tugged the silky robes to gain her attention and dropped a flower on her lap. Dirt fell on the costly cloth and the women around the tea table wrinkled their noses in disgust, exchanging glances with raised eyebrows. Persilia grimaced in embarrassment and anger and slapped the five year old's hands forcing him to release her._

Snape felt anger bubbling inside him, like a cauldron ready to spill. And yet a strange sort of sadness and melancholy filled him at the same time. He had always questioned himself as a child why his mother treated him thus, why she did not lavish him with kisses or hugs- at first he had thought perhaps that was the normal conduct of parents. But when he had reached the Hogwarts Express to leave for his first year he had discovered it was not so. Now he saw why she had hated him for he hated himself.

_'I thought I had told you not to disturb me when I was entertaining my friends Severus.'_

_She said coldly, retrieving the flower with the tips of her fingers and casting it into the fire where was rapidly consumed by the flames. The smile vanished from the boy's countenance and as she grabbed him by the shoulders in a pincer like grip and dragged him out of the room he whimpered in pain. The woman paid no heed and simply continued to advance down the dark corridor, he heard the creaking sound of a door opening and gasped in surprise as he was suddenly thrown unceremoniously in, sharp edges of stairs digging into his sides and making him cry out. Persilia watched calmly from the doorway until her son landed in a heap at the bottom._

How many days he had passed in those filthy dungeons he did not know. How many times he had been thrown down the stairs until he had learnt to hold himself onto the rail quickly before falling down. The first time, he remembered. That was the first time she had locked him in there...

_'If this is the use you will make of the privilege of going out to the garden then you shall have it no longer.'_

_And with that she closed the door behind her, leaving the dungeon in utter darkness. Going back to her friends she apologized with a forced smile and a roll of her eyes, though her words dripped with disgust._

_'I am most sorry, these children are truly annoying. You are so lucky not to be hindered by such insufferable creatures!'_

_SsSsSsSsSsSsSsS_

_Snape parted the thick curtains and cast a glance outside, the sun was shining merrily in the garden, it's golden rays glittering on the morning dew. He let the curtain down, eyes dead as he remembered the warm sunshine while he played beneath it's light. It had been more than a year since he had been outside, for his mother had been quite serious when she had removed that privilege after that incident with her friends. Sighing he returned to the table where he sat reading a book by the dim light of a candle. _

_He stared fascinated at the text, his mind spinning with images so carefully and accurately described by words. The curses were extraordinary, though he could not imagine circumstances in which anyone would wish to collapse someone's internal organs completely; or to make them sprout several rotten and putrid arms; or crush their eyeballs or make them feel a sensation of burning without any flames..._

Severus could not help smirking as he remembered how ignorant he had been then- innocent, according to Dumbledore. He had discovered the uses of those curses later, yes indeed.

_'What do you think you're doing reading one of my books?'_

_Snape looked up as he heard his father's rude and coarse voice break through the room. As he turned he saw his father in the doorway, his countenance a mixture of anger and malice. The man stormed in and the young boy could not help backing away from the wave of ire that seemed to radiate from him._

Thank you father, Snape thought grimly as he remembered all those times his father had startled him in that way. Until he had installed a paranoia which was now deeply set in him. Though it had, after all, come to be quiet useful in later years. Well, it never should have been...Things might have been different if he hadn't been blessed with that trait.

_'Who gave you permission to take any book?'_

_His father asked in a rough whisper._

_'I-it was in the library I n-never thought I c-'_

_Sibilius struck his son across the face, his lust for causing pain growing as he felt the blood of the child's split lip on his fingers._

_'Don't reply back to me!'_

_He shouted, spittle flying from his mouth._

_'You saw fit to my books, didn't you?'_

_Severus panted slightly, recovering from the sudden assault. He shook his head, eyes widened with as confusion as his father grabbed the book and began ripping it's pages. He could not help uttering a small cry of dismay at seeing the book thus ruined in such way. He watched the pieces fly to the floor in their silent fall. When the book was sufficiently ill-treated his father grinned at him, such evil alight in his eyes he shuddered._

_'So you not only took my book but you broke it also!'_

_The young boy shook his head vehemently, 'B-but I di-din't...'_

_He crashed against the floor as his father gripped his arm and flung him down, following by a forceful kick in the abdomen. Snape cried out in pain and was rewarded by another kick._

_'You shall repair the book. And from now on you will begin learning all my books by memory instead of simply reading them leisurely.'_

_His father stated and left the room, conjuring a magical glue and setting it on the table before exiting. Severus stared at the broken pages from the floor, tears coursing silently down his pale cheeks._

He watched with some distaste as his former self cried and felt ashamed that he had ever been so weak. Yet a small part of his heart knew he had not been weak then, that it was only natural for a six year old to cry it he was treated like that. He had learnt afterwards, and not in a pleasant way, that screaming, crying or begging got you nowhere.

_sSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSs_

_He was not sure how many days he had been there, uniting piece by piece, out of pure memory and logic of word order. His stomach had stopped protesting loudly to mourning in silence in a constant ache. But it was done, he was finally done and no traces of the incident remaining due to the powerful magical glue which sealed without any marks. His father arrived a few minutes later, bringing as he had these last days a glass of water and a few crackers._

_'I see you're finally done.'_

_Sibilus said reaching for the book and beginning to flip through the pages, he stopped without warning. A leaden weight dropped on Snape's chest, making breathing suddenly laborious._

_'There is a missing piece. A corner is missing. How am I supposed to read my book if words are missing?'_

_The man backhanded his child and watched mercilessly as the small boy crumbled to the floor, blood running anew from the old wound in his lip, a dark bruise forming in his face. Powerful large hands grabbed him by the greasy hair and strided towards the door, Severus moaning at the pain. He heard a door bang open and knew were he was heading to. His father pushed him in so forcefully he only just managed to hold to the rail and not fall down the stairs. The door closed behind loudly. Crawling to a corner he sat down against the stone wall, waiting for his eyes to adjust to the lack of light and shivering in the damp cold. He passed his hand through his aching ribs and felt a rough spot, clinging to his robes was the piece of book he had failed to find and had hoped his father would not notice. Sobs escaped him as he sat in the darkness, and weeping was how sleep found him when it came._

The first time he managed not to fall down the stairs he remembered with a small measure of pride, though such a bitter feeling was growing in him that he felt suddenly nauseous.

sSsSsSsSsSsSsSsS

_A small child waited impatiently standing by the door, watching as his parents ate their breakfast. He had done it again, so foolish and rude, he reprimanded himself harshly. His stomach grumbled loudly as the smell of toast and sweet tea reached his nose._

_'Please mother. I won't do it again.'_

_He begged in spite of knowing it would be of no avail, but his protesting hunger took over the past knowledge that had forged the boy's twisted logic. The woman lifted her eyes from the plate and raised two finely penciled eyebrows, her clear gray eyes cold as she surveyed her son._

_'Severus we must educate you properly. That a nine year old should sit down at the table before his parents is outrageous and I cannot permit it. You ought to know the rules already; you will wait and then you shall have your own.'_

_The pale boy lowered his head and hid his face with his curtain of greasy black hair._

Snape pursed his lips in anger, that little habit had won him quite a few laughs at Hogwarts. And her eyes...the sky had been the same gray the day she had left. The sky had been weeping, a rain of tears- tears he had never seen in his mother's eyes.

SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSs

_Persilia levitated her luggage in front of her easily and walked to the door, a snarl and a frown disfiguring her otherwise handsome appearance. Her hair was uncharacteristically disheveled and her face was red from shouting, hands curled into fists and trembling._

But there were no tears in her eyes. Never. Any. Tears.

_Ten-year old Severus ran down the stairs, tears in his eyes as the door opened._

_'Mother! Where are you going?'_

_The woman turned around and crouched for a minute as her son crashed into her and pressed himself to her bosom. She gave him a small pat and a quick hug. _

_'I'm leaving Severus.'_

_'Where? Why?'_

_'Somewhere far from here. Mother doesn't love father anymore and I can't stand living with him.' The child sobbed and tears soaked her dress. ' It happens Severus.'_

_'A-aren't you t-taking me with y-you?'_

_He asked, face still burrowed against her chest, eyes swollen with tears._

_'No. You'll be better here.'_

_'Nooo...Mom-mmy pl-please.'_

_She squeezed him to herself one more moment and then disentangling herself swiftly stood up and strided from the house without looking back._

No tears even when she left me, Snape thought, angry at himself for finding he still cared.

_Persilia got into a car and smiling slightly waved farewell to the disconsolate child who was running after her. The car began moving at an extraordinary pace yet Snape continued to pursue it, weeping bitterly. Sibilius hurried from the house as the child reached the gates and grabbing him by the wrist dragged him back home._

_'M-mommy...'_

_The man smacked the child who continued sobbing, tears running down his cheeks in an unceasing torrent. _

_'Shut up you idiot! She's left and she's not coming back.'_

_'M-m-mommy pleasee...'_

Seeing himself there Snape wondered if his tears had been more from the foreboding of the horrible years that had succeeded her departure than because of her actually leaving. She'd never been a good mother he reminded himself. He _had_ to hate her.

_Sibilius hit him again and Snape collapsed to the floor, still weeping. His father kicked him. He seemed in some sort of frenzy, his eyes were bulging and his face had colored to an angry red. Tears and spittle ran down his face as he shouted._

_'YOU DON'T BEG! I gave that bitch my pride and dignity and she threw it in my face! You don't beg!' he continued madly, punching and kicking alternately, all sanity seeming to have left his eyes.' You don't beg unless your opponent is on top of you, pinning you do the ground and there is no escape. Until you feel your body can no longer take any more blows and every breath might be your last. THAT'S WHEN YOU BEG!'_

No. No. Snape felt something warm trickling down his chin and cheeks but he could not make out what it was. His father's words were echoing in his mind. No... He didn't beg anymore, he didn't. No..._I hate you. I hate you._

_Severus was still crying, blood running down his face and bruises blossoming as the sensitive tissues of his skin broke. The grown man left the room pulling his hair and still screaming in anger and grief. Snape could hear him breaking things in the next room though he remained lying as his father had left him, tears coursing silently now down his face until his eyes closed and unconsciousness took over._


	4. Chapter 4

DISCLAIMER: Aha...have you read the www. fan fiction . net carefully enough?

Note: Thanks for the reviews. Here you have Dumbledore's point of view. Anyways, expect more horrible memories soon! Hope you enjoy!

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'You might want to sit a bit more comfortably Severus, this may take a while.'

Dumbledore asked politely, deciding to begin using first names as he noticed the awkward way in which the youngster was seated. He had a distinct impression that this would indeed take longer than intended. Snape leaned back slightly though Albus was somewhat alarmed at the shudder which shook the Slytherin's frail frame. He wondered for a moment if the boy was ill, for he did have a sickly look about him. But as their eyes met once more Dumbledore recognized only the nervousness and perhaps even fear in young man. Doubt surfaced in his mind as Snape rocked in his chair, seemingly in pain. He hesitated, but he could not back out. A spy would be extremely beneficial for the Light and an opportunity like that did not present itself usually.

'Would you like anything before we start?'

He offered kindly, food and drink in his mind more than anything, for the young man seemed in need of it. Snape however simply shook his head with a scowl.

'Legilemens.'

The spell burst from his wand without splendor, though he could feel the wood heating under his fingers. His mind met with a solid black barrier as he attempted to enter Snape's own and he released the spell, astounded. The man was an extraordinary Occlumens! Nearly or as good as himself, and modestly or not he could not deny that there were but few wizards of his level in the complex branch of magic. He caught a glimpse of big black orbs before Snape lowered his eyes once more and apologized. Dumbledore could not help being curious as to what could bring a twenty-year old to have any need to shield his mind so forcefully, but he somehow dreaded the answer.

'Let's try again, shall we?'

He asked and not waiting for an answer pronounced the spell again. A whoosh of power escaped his wand as the same blackness filled his mind, after a few seconds the walls crumbled and he saw a black ripped veil which he parted easily. Blurred images shot through his mind in a frenzied rush. He reduced the spell slightly, softening it until he felt Severus' mind relaxing enough so that the images flashed at a slower pace, enough for him to distinguish some preoccupying things. Picking a few which had most called his attention he began inspecting wholly..

sSsSsSsSsSsSsSsS

_Severus rushed into the room, a big smile planted on his face as he hurried to his mother. Upon reaching her he tugged the silky robes to gain her attention and dropped a flower on her lap. Dirt fell on the costly cloth and the women around the tea table wrinkled their noses in disgust, exchanging glances with raised eyebrows. Persilia grimaced in embarrassment and anger and slapped the five year old's hands forcing him to release her._

_'I thought I had told you not to disturb me when I was entertaining my friends Severus.'_

_She said coldly, retrieving the flower with the tips of her fingers and casting it into the fire where was rapidly consumed by the flames. _

Dumbledore could not help but frown in dissaprovement at the woman's attitude, such lack of love and understanding... he wondered if the result of such treatment was sitting opposite him.

_The smile vanished from the boy's countenance and as she grabbed him by the shoulders in a pincer like grip and dragged him out of the room he whimpered in pain. The woman paid no heed and simply continued to advance down the dark corridor, he heard the creaking sound of a door opening and gasped in surprise as he was suddenly thrown unceremoniously in, sharp edges of stairs digging into his sides and making him cry out. Persilia watched calmly from the doorway until her son landed in a heap at the bottom._

_'If this is the use you will make of the privilege of going out to the garden then you shall have it no longer.'_

Horror crawled down his beard and into his heart, it's sharp claws digging into his chest and bringing an acute pain and a tingling sensation, as though thousands of spiders were descending down his back. Every cry of the small boy nearly brought one to his own lips as Horror and Grief pierced his heart with their frightful fangs.

_And with that she closed the door behind her, leaving the dungeon in utter darkness. Going back to her friends she apologized with a forced smile and a roll of her eyes, though her words dripped with disgust._

_'I am most sorry, these children are truly annoying. You are so lucky not to be hindered by such insufferable creatures!'_

_SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsS_

_Snape parted the thick curtains and cast a glance outside, the sun was shining merrily in the garden, it's golden rays glittering on the morning dew. He let the curtain down, eyes dead as he remembered the warm sunshine while he played beneath it's light. It had been more than a year since he had been outside, for his mother had been quite serious when she had removed that privilege after that incident with her friends. Sighing he returned to the table where he sat reading a book by the dim light of a candle. _

_He stared fascinated at the text, his mind spinning with images so carefully and accurately described by words. The curses were extraordinary, though he could not imagine circumstances in which anyone would wish to collapse someone's internal organs completely; or to make them sprout several rotten and putrid arms; or crush their eyeballs or make them feel a sensation of burning without any flames..._

Thin scratches covered his heart as he saw what the child was conscientiously perusing, he could not be more than six or seven and yet he was reading a book which few adults would have chosen, of which few knew of it's existence even.

_'What do you think you're doing reading one of my books?'_

_Snape looked up as he heard his father's rude and coarse voice break through the room. As he turned he saw his father in the doorway, his countenance a mixture of anger and malice. The man stormed in and the young boy could not help backing away from the wave of ire that seemed to radiate from him._

Dumbledore himself was startled as the loud, angry voice broke through the room, disturbing the comfortable and easy air that had predominated. A man quite strikingly similar to the grown Snape, though noticeably older and less _elegant _entered the room.

_'Who gave you permission to take any book?'_

_His father asked in a rough whisper._

_'I-it was in the library I n-never thought I c-'_

_Sibilius struck his son across the face, his lust for causing pain growing as he felt the blood of the child's split lip on his fingers._

_'Don't reply back to me!'_

The old man felt his eyes widen and pity envelop him inevitably as he watched the small child's sad eyes widen with confusion as blood trickle unheeded down his chin.

_He shouted, spittle flying from his mouth._

_'You saw fit to my books, didn't you?'_

_Severus panted slightly, recovering from the sudden assault. He shook his head, eyes widened with as confusion as his father grabbed the book and began ripping it's pages. He could not help uttering a small cry of dismay at seeing the book thus ruined in such way. He watched the pieces fly to the floor in their silent fall. When the book was sufficiently ill-treated his father grinned at him, such evil alight in his eyes he shuddered._

_'So you not only took my book but you broke it also!'_

_The young boy shook his head vehemently, 'B-but I di-din't...'_

_He crashed against the floor as his father gripped his arm and flung him down, following by a forceful kick in the abdomen. Snape cried out in pain and was rewarded by another kick._

Dumbledore nearly forgot himself at this and was on the verge of lifting himself from his seat to attack the man before he remembered he was but witnessing a memory.

_'You shall repair the book. And from now on you will begin learning all my books by memory instead of simply reading them leisurely.'_

_His father stated and left the room, conjuring a magical glue and setting it on the table before exiting. Severus stared at the broken pages from the floor, tears coursing silently down his pale cheeks._

SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsS

_He was not sure how many days he had been there, uniting piece by piece, out of pure memory and logic of word order. His stomach had stopped protesting loudly to mourning in silence in a constant ache. But it was done, he was finally done and no traces of the incident remaining due to the powerful magical glue which sealed without any marks. His father arrived a few minutes later, bringing as he had these last days a glass of water and a few crackers._

_'I see you're finally done.'_

_Sibilus said reaching for the book and beginning to flip through the pages, he stopped without warning. A leaden weight dropped on Snape's chest, making breathing suddenly laborious._

_'There is a missing piece. A corner is missing. How am I supposed to read my book if words are missing?'_

_The man backhanded his child and watched mercilessly as the small boy crumbled to the floor, blood running anew from the old wound in his lip, a dark bruise forming in his face. Powerful large hands grabbed him by the greasy hair and strided towards the door, Severus moaning at the pain. He heard a door bang open and knew were he was heading to. His father pushed him in so forcefully he only just managed to hold to the rail and not fall down the stairs. The door closed behind loudly. Crawling to a corner he sat down against the stone wall, waiting for his eyes to adjust to the lack of light and shivering in the damp cold. He passed his hand through his aching ribs and felt a rough spot, clinging to his robes was the piece of book he had failed to find and had hoped his father would not notice. Sobs escaped him as he sat in the darkness, and weeping was how sleep found him when it came._

Albus' mind was a tumult of agony at seeing the situation the boy had grown in. It was dreadful to be sitting there, looking at the grow man while seeing his memories... a profound sense of impotency at being able to do nothing in him.

SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsS

_A small child waited impatiently standing by the door, watching as his parents ate their breakfast. He had done it again, so foolish and rude, he reprimanded himself harshly. His stomach grumbled loudly as the smell of toast and sweet tea reached his nose._

_'Please mother. I won't do it again.'_

_He begged in spite of knowing it would be of no avail, but his protesting hunger took over the past knowledge that had forged the boy's twisted logic. The woman lifted her eyes from the plate and raised two finely penciled eyebrows, her clear gray eyes cold as she surveyed her son._

_'Severus we must educate you properly. That a nine year old should sit down at the table before his parents is outrageous and I cannot permit it. You ought to know the rules already; you will wait and then you shall have your own.'_

A particularly painful stab hit him as he remembered suddenly a certain Slytherin's queer behavior at the Great Hall and laughter from all tables. _Oh no..._

SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSs

_Persilia levitated her luggage in front of her easily and walked to the door, a snarl and a frown disfiguring her otherwise handsome appearance. Her hair was uncharacteristically disheveled and her face was red from shouting, hands curled into fists and trembling._

_Ten-year old Severus ran down the stairs, tears in his eyes as the door opened._

_'Mother! Where are you going?'_

_The woman turned around and crouched for a minute as her son crashed into her and pressed himself to her bosom. She gave him a small pat and a quick hug. _

Dumbledore noticed the coldness with which the woman delivered those attentions, her face remarkably indifferent even as the child wept on her chest- it seemed no tears had managed to trespass the fair skin to soften her heart.

_'I'm leaving Severus.'_

_'Where? Why?'_

_'Somewhere far from here. Mother doesn't love father anymore and I can't stand living with him.' The child sobbed and tears soaked her dress. ' It happens Severus.'_

_'A-aren't you t-taking me with y-you?'_

_He asked, face still burrowed against her chest, eyes swollen with tears._

_'No. You'll be better here.'_

_'Nooo...Mom-mmy pl-please.'_

He had some trouble understanding why the boy would wish to leave with his mother. For she appeared like a marble statue, cold and hard but who could however send some cutting words to cause pain... and yet, the father was perhaps less subtle, a fire demon who did not only attack with burning remarks but also lashed out with balls of liquid lava.

_She squeezed him to herself one more moment and then disentangling herself swiftly stood up and strided from the house without looking back._

_Persilia got into a car and smiling slightly waved farewell to the disconsolate child who was running after her. The car began moving at an extraordinary pace yet Snape continued to pursue it, weeping bitterly. Sibilius hurried from the house as the child reached the gates and grabbing him by the wrist dragged him back home._

_'M-mommy...'_

Dumbledore was indescribably moved as he watched the child sobbing hysterically, so heart wrenching was the scene that he felt tears come to his own eyes.

_The man smacked the child who continued sobbing, tears running down his cheeks in an unceasing torrent. _

_'Shut up you idiot! She's left and she's not coming back.'_

_'M-m-mommy pleasee...'_

_Sibilius hit him again and Snape collapsed to the floor, still weeping. His father kicked him. He seemed in some sort of frenzy, his eyes were bulging and his face had colored to an angry red. Tears and spittle ran down his face as he shouted._

_'YOU DON'T BEG! I gave that bitch my pride and dignity and she threw it in my face! You don't beg!' he continued madly, punching and kicking alternately, all sanity seeming to have left his eyes.' You don't beg unless your opponent is on top of you, pinning you do the ground and there is no escape. Until you feel your body can no longer take any more blows and every breath might be your last. THAT'S WHEN YOU BEG!'_

The old man was shaking with anger and horror had gotten a firm hold of his heart, which was bleeding profusely as the beast flexed it's claws even as they were completely indented in his organ. This was too much. He was tempted to break the connection but he could not, he had to continue. Focusing on the present he saw Severus' eyes were shut tightly, a few tears straying to his cheeks, his lips glistening with blood as he appeared to be intoning something to himself. This was bad...

_Severus was still crying, blood running down his face and bruises blossoming as the sensitive tissues of his skin broke. The grown man left the room pulling his hair and still screaming in anger and grief. Snape could hear him breaking things in the next room though he remained lying as his father had left him, tears coursing silently now down his face until his eyes closed and unconsciousness took over._


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer:_ Really..._

Note: Here's another chapter. Sorry, I just couldn't make up a Sorting Song. Anyways, hope you enjoy. Please review. Thanks.

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_Severus leaned against the windowsill, looking down at the garden. The grass was parched and dry and the rose bushes that had used to grow around the house were dead, replaced by ivy._

Snape thought how the garden had fallen gradually into disrepair as the years passed. When _Persilia, _for he could not bear to think of her as mother, had lived there she had made sure the servants took minute care of the plants- for her little social meetings. Then most of the servants had left and only a couple of house elves had remained to take care of the cooking and cleaning.

_Something loomed into view a little beyond the gates- an owl. Curious the child leaned further out and was surprised to see the bird was apparently heading straight towards his room. A small smile appeared in his face and he moved to a side quickly as the bird entered, a large tawny. The owl pranced around the room for a moment before allowing the letter to be removed and flying off once more. The boy's eyes lighted up as he saw his name written in emerald green ink on the envelop and he hastily tore it open. Two letters fell into his hands._

_HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY_

_Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore_

_(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)_

_Dear Mr. Snape,_

_We are pleased to inform you that you have a place at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment._

_Term begins on 1. September. We await your owl by no later than 31. July._

_Yours Sincerely,_

_Minerva Mcgonagall_

_Deputy Headmistress._

Snape remembered the recognition he had felt upon reading Dumbledore's name, although all he had heard about him wasn't exactly pleasant.

_The boy grinned and ran downstairs, stopping abruptly as he reached a closed door. Knocking politely and waiting until a gruff voice allowed his entrance. His father was sitting on the couch, a bottle of alcohol in his hand. _

The beginnings of alcoholism, Snape thought unhumorously. It really hadn't made much difference.

_Severus' smile died though he advanced towards the man and gave him his letter wordlessly. Sibilius read it slowly and them motioned for him to go away with an indifferent nod. Sighing slightly as the door closed behind him the boy smiled once more, although most of the gleam of his eyes had been lost._

sSsSsSsSsSsSs

_'Come on boy, you're going to miss the train.'_

_Snape hurried after his father, pushing his heavy trolley through the King's Cross station. People kept glancing at him oddly though he had no clear idea why, he had even had the nerve to dress up in some muggle clothes. He saw his father disappear suddenly into a wall and stopped dead with confusion. Swallowing nervously he pressed into the wall, his eyes widening considerably with surprise as the trolley went right through the wall, he followed it quickly._

_His father grabbed his arm roughly as he passed through._

_'What took you so long?'_

_Sibilius asked angrily as he pushed the child to a side. _

_'Y-you didn't tell me how to get in.'_

_'Worthless, idiotic brat. You have to get in the train now, think you can do that?'_

_Severus nodded, frowning slightly and pushing his trunk after him walked towards the train. He heard footsteps and turning around saw his father was already leaving. _

Renewed anger burst in him again as he watched his father's retreating back. The last time he had turned his back on him... No! Snape shook his head vehemently. _I hate you. _He had been the first victim of his vengeance- but he'd deserved it. Yes, he _had. _The others had not, but he had, he had.

_Pursing his lips the boy tried to heave the trunk up the stairs, though failed._

_A girl with red ponytails and startling green eyes bounced up to him._

_'Hi. Do you want any help?'_

_He stared at her strangely, then nodded reluctantly. The girl grabbed a side and together they managed to get it to the corridor. _

_'Lily Evans.'_

Ah, Lily. Severus sighed unconsciously as a keen melancholia filled him, like a cup of bittersweet drink being filled slowly until it overflows.

_She stated with a smile._

_'Severus Snape.'_

_'Well, I'm going to say goodbye to my parents. See you around!'_

_The eleven year old dragged his trunk after him and reaching a compartment sat down next to the window. Glancing at the station inconspicuously he saw mothers bending down to hug their children and fathers patting their arms or giving quick hugs and felt a deep cold inside him, his eyes burning with something akin to jealousy. Turning away from the filial sights Severus took a moment to change into his robes and sat down staring at the wall before him. After what seemed an eternity the door slid open and a boy with hazel eyes and messy black hair came in, motioning for another to follow him._

_'You don't mind if we sit here, do you?'_

Venomous hatred rose in his heart. As though he had drunk a chalice of simmering poison, acid was running through his veins. Such _innocent countenance _and yet the roots of mutual enmity had been planted in their first encounter. The bastard. A perfect little pot for a beautiful lily, a romping puppy and squealing rat dancing around the altar of _love,_ while a wolf howls in the background. A shudder of fear shook him.

_Snape shook his head and watched with interest as the boy sat down opposite and then grinned as another boy came in. _

_'Hey.'_

_Said the newest boy, his light eyes glancing around and a returning the other's grin as he sat down beside him._

_'I'm James Potter by the way.'_

_The hazel-eyed boy introduced himself._

_'Severus Snape.'_

_'Sirius Black.' said the second boy staring at him with a peculiar grin, his tongue on the verge of lolling out it seemed._

Filthy, mangy, brainless cur._  
_

_A round-faced kid burst in and the smiled sheepishly._

_'Can I sit here? Everywhere else's full.'_

_All three nodded._

_'I'm Frank Longbottom.'_

_The introductions repeated themselves as Snape watched everyone alternately, somewhat at loss as to what to do. James Potter looked around with a content smile and then laughed nervously._

_'Isn't this cool! I can't wait to see which House I get sorted in.'_

_'I'm hoping for Gryffindor, ' Sirius Black stated with a malicious grin, 'damn my family if they don't like it.'_

_Snape shrugged, he hardly had any information about any of the houses, although he would prefer Ravenclaw. The boys continued to talk amongst themselves, commenting on Quidditch teams and other things he knew about scarcely. The Black boy eyed him strangely for a moment._

_'You're very quiet aren't you?'_

_Snape scowled and stared at him in confusion. Potter laughed and Longbottom simply watched silently. _

_'H-ello... Do you know how to speak?'_

Cruelty disguised beneath a cloak of beauty.

_The youngster simply looked lost._

_'Of course I do.'_

_He said finally. Sirius let out a relieved whistle._

_'Thank goodness, I thought for a moment we were sitting with a ball of grease.'_

He felt like a cauldron full to the brim with boiling liquid.

_Potter laughed again and even Frank let out a small sigh of enjoyment._

_'I was not speaking simply because I was pondering the possibility of being seated with a pool of talking drool.'_

Hmmm... His first witty retaliation, Snape thought contentedly. Things had just gotten better and better with the years. Wands had been added, insults had been learnt...

_Black's face retained it's handsome appearance even as he frowned in anger._

_'You filthy slime ball.'_

_Snape stared back impassively, he had learned to control his tears until he was sufficiently alone to release them._

_'Ah, leave him Sirius.'_

_Potter laughed and reached out to give Black a good-natured pat in the arm. _

_SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSs_

_Snape joined the line anxiously, ending up behind a light-browned hair boy. _

W.e.r.e.w.o.l.f

_A stern looking witch who introduced herself as Professor Mcgonagall led them down the Great Hall, where there seemed to be no ceiling. The child stared up in amazement at the dark blue sky clearly visible as it was unhindered by window panes. As they reached the staff's tables Severus caught sight of an old man with flowing silver white hair and beard, golden half-moon glasses and twinkling blue eyes- Albus Dumbledore. A strange sense of reverence filled him which was clearly visible in his face before he had to turn around to face the rest of the school. _

He had felt awed by the old man even then, the most powerful wizard of all times they called him. How ironic, Severus thought with a bitter smirk. He had turned to another path, gone through the only visible door because of Dumbledore's betrayal, his preference for Gryffindors, his blatant favoritism- and yet, here he was; giving himself in to the very man who had inadvertly given him that little push he had needed to fall into Evil's outstretched hands.

_A patched, dirty hat was placed on a stool in front of all, a few second elapsed when the hat suddenly burst into song. A roaring applause filled the immense hall as the song ended and quieted down gradually as Professor Mcgonagall began calling out names from a list. Sirius Black was sorted into a Gryffindor, as were Lily Evans, Frank Longbottom, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, James Potter and several others, there were but two Hufflepuffs and a Ravenclaw when Snape's own name was called. The pale boy stumbled forward and sitting uncomfortably in the stool he put on the hat which went right over and left him staring at a black clothed inside._

_'Hmm... You're a difficult one to place.' the Hat spoke in his ear quietly, 'Quite a thirst for knowledge I see, maybe Ravenclaw...but, no. Your heart is brazen I see, quite noble and braver than you think. Still, I see, ah yes, great cunning there and ambitious in your own way. It is for the best. SLYTHERIN!' _

Slytherin. Sly. To most simply poisonous snakes slithering on the floor while ravens attempt to lift them in their claws and yet fail as they are bitten by poisonous fangs; badgers dig into their little holes hiding; and the _great, valiant, bold, _lions steps on the snakes, strangling them quietly.

_Snape walked shakily to the Slytherin table who was clapping politely, not sure if he should feel content or not. Even the Hat had not been very sure. The Gryffindor table hissed at him as he passed and he felt color draining from his face in shame even as they turned his attention to the next person being sorted. He took a seat and was startled as a fair, manicured hand suddenly extended towards him. He raised his eyes and saw a pointy-faced seventh year, with golden white hair and calculating gray eyes._

_'Lucius Malfoy. I've heard of your family, pity they got mingled with muggles a few years ago or you could almost pass for a pure-blood.'_

What an honor, such a comment from Lucius Malfoy. His _best friend. _Argh, who was he trying to fool? He had no friends. Lucius was naught but a manipulative bastard who did things only for his own benefit. Actually, the perfect Slytherin.

_Severus blinked and then shook the boy's hand, feeling somewhat awkward._

_'I'm Head Boy here if you need anything. And Severus you should feel proud to have been sorted into Slytherin, those filthy Gryffindor are always attempting to harass us but pay them no heed. Wear your colors with pride.'_

Silver. The second most precious metal. While Gryffindor held gold. Such favoritism. Green, the corrosive acid.

_Snape nodded and managed a small smile, feeling slightly happier that a seventh year had deigned to talk to him and even give him advice. He shook his head in wonder before food suddenly appeared before him. He cast an anxious glance around him and saw everyone had begun eating, he picked up his fork and noticing a brute-looking in front of him eyeing him with dull curiosity he hesitantly piled some food on his plate and began eating, feeling as though his mother would appear suddenly and throw him out of the room._

No one had noticed but Crabbe then, he'd been less lucky the next morning. Another memory rushed into his head as his eyes began swimming with fresh tears, which escaped even through his closed eyelids. _Snivellus_. He thought disgustedly.


	6. Chapter 6

DISCLAIMER: You should know better

Note: This is growing to be quite a long story I've just realised... Anyways, hope you're enjoying reading it as much as I am writing it. Here's Dumbledore's POV. Thanks for the reviews by the way.

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_  
Severus leaned against the windowsill, looking down at the garden. The grass was parched and dry and the rose bushes that had used to grow around the house were dead, replaced by ivy.  
Something loomed into view a little beyond the gates- an owl. Curious the child leaned further out and was surprised to see the bird was apparently heading straight towards his room. A small smile appeared in his face and he moved to a side quickly as the bird entered, a large tawny. The owl pranced around the room for a moment before allowing the letter to be removed and flying off once more. The boy's eyes lighted up as he saw his name written in emerald green ink on the envelop and he hastily tore it open. Two letters fell into his hands._

_HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY_

_Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore_

_(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)_

_Dear Mr. Snape,_

_We are pleased to inform you that you have a place at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment._

_Term begins on 1. September. We await your owl by no later than 31. July._

_Yours Sincerely,_

_Minerva Mcgonagall_

_Deputy Headmistress._

Dumbledore watched the eleven-year old Severus with concern, noticing the dark bruise on the child's pale cheek. With a sigh he turned his eyes to what the boy was staring at and followed the owl as it flew over the garden straight towards the room. He was somewhat relieved to discover that the first Hogwarts letter still had the power to make the sad child's eyes light up.

_The boy grinned and ran downstairs, stopping abruptly as he reached a closed door. Knocking politely and waiting until a gruff voice allowed his entrance. His father was sitting on the couch, a bottle of alcohol in his hand. _

_Severus' smile died though he advanced towards the man and gave him his letter wordlessly. Sibilius read it slowly and them motioned for him to go away with an indifferent nod. Sighing slightly as the door closed behind him the boy smiled once more, although most of the gleam of his eyes had been lost._

He had a distinct feeling that had not been the man's last bottle of alcohol and he hoped fervently things would not get worst for the boy, forgetting for a moment that everything he was seeing was past and nothing could be done to change it. He remembered abruptly as he saw the smile reappear, but the light of happiness that had illumined his eyes was almost completely gone.

sSsSsSsSsSsSs

_'Come on boy, you're going to miss the train.'_

_Snape hurried after his father, pushing his heavy trolley through the King's Cross station. People kept glancing at him oddly though he had no clear idea why, he had even had the nerve to dress up in some muggle clothes. _

People kept staring at the boy strangely Albus noticed, and he was quite sure he knew why. Even dressed up in inconspicuous muggle clothes the child had a foreign, slightly odd look about him. Adding his greasy, raven hair and somewhat overlarge nose to his pearly white skin and rather obvious thinness he made a rare spectacle.

_He saw his father disappear suddenly into a wall and stopped dead with confusion. Swallowing nervously he pressed into the wall, his eyes widening considerably with surprise as the trolley went right through the wall, he followed it quickly.  
His father grabbed his arm roughly as he passed through._

_'What took you so long?'_

_Sibilius asked angrily as he pushed the child to a side. _

_'Y-you didn't tell me how to get in.'_

_'Worthless, idiotic brat. You have to get in the train now, think you can do that?'_

Dumbledore sighed, how could anyone not have noticed the harsh treatment? How could he have been so blind?

_Severus nodded, frowning slightly and pushing his trunk after him walked towards the train. He heard footsteps and turning around saw his father was already leaving.  
Pursing his lips the boy tried to heave the trunk up the stairs, though failed._

_A girl with red ponytails and startling green eyes bounced up to him._

_'Hi. Do you want any help?'_

_He stared at her strangely, then nodded reluctantly. The girl grabbed a side and together they managed to get it to the corridor. _

_'Lily Evans.'_

_She stated with a smile._

Miss Evans- well, Mrs. Potter now, the old man thought with a smile of pride. Quite a remarkable young woman.

_'Severus Snape.'_

_'Well, I'm going to say goodbye to my parents. See you around!'_

_The eleven year old dragged his trunk after him and reaching a compartment sat down next to the window. Glancing at the station inconspicuously he saw mothers bending down to hug their children and fathers patting their arms or giving quick hugs and felt a deep cold inside him, his eyes burning with something akin to jealousy._

Dumbledore felt pity stir in him again as he saw the child's black coals burning with clear envy and bitterness. Alas, what world was this when an eleven-year old should already bear such acerbity?

_Turning away from the filial sights Severus took a moment to change into his robes and sat down staring at the wall before him. After what seemed an eternity the door slid open and a boy with hazel eyes and messy black hair came in, motioning for another to follow him._

_'You don't mind if we sit here, do you?'_

James Potter, looking almost the same as he did in the present, his hair as unruly as ever, even Lily hadn't been able to come up with a charm to make it lie straight. Things had not gone well between the Gryffindor and the Slytherin seated before him, he thought sadly with a shake of his head.

_Snape shook his head and watched with interest as the boy sat down opposite and then grinned as another boy came in. _

_'Hey.'_

_Said the newest boy, his light eyes glancing around and a returning the other's grin as he sat down beside him._

_'I'm James Potter by the way.'_

_The hazel-eyed boy introduced himself._

_'Severus Snape.'_

_'Sirius Black.' said the second boy staring at him with a peculiar grin, his tongue on the verge of lolling out it seemed. A round-faced kid burst in and then smiled sheepishly._

Same to say with Sirius Black, one of the most pleasant surprises of the year as being sorted into Gryffindor.

_'Can I sit here? Everywhere else's full.'_

_All three nodded._

_'I'm Frank Longbottom.'_

_The introductions repeated themselves as Snape watched everyone alternately, somewhat at loss as to what to do. James Potter looked around with a content smile and then laughed nervously._

_'Isn't this cool! I can't wait to see which House I get sorted in.'_

_'I'm hoping for Gryffindor, ' Sirius Black stated with a malicious grin, 'damn my family if they don't like it.'_

_Snape shrugged. The boys continued to talk amongst themselves, commenting on Quidditch teams and other things he knew about scarcely. The Black boy eyed him strangely for a moment._

_'You're very quiet aren't you?'_

_Snape scowled and stared at him in confusion. Potter laughed and Longbottom simply watched silently. _

_'H-ello... Do you know how to speak?'_

Mr. Black was an intelligent, kind and loyal Gryffindor, but decidedly immature. Such thoughtless cruelty...

_The youngster simply looked lost._

_'Of course I do.'_

_He said finally. Sirius let out a relieved whistle._

_'Thank goodness, I thought for a moment we were sitting with a ball of grease.'_

Dumbledore sighed.

_Potter laughed again and even Frank let out a small sigh of enjoyment._

_'I was not speaking simply because I was pondering the possibility of being seated with a pool of talking drool.'_

The boy had quite a way with words, he had to recognize, even then. At Hogwarts his stinging comments had been well known. He had learnt to protect himself efficiently with his quick wit and magical power as he was suited poorly to compete in the physical sense.

_Black's face retained it's handsome appearance even as he frowned in anger._

_'You filthy slime ball.'_

_Snape stared back impassively, he had learned to control his tears until he was sufficiently alone to release them._

_'Ah, leave him Sirius.'_

_Potter laughed and reached out to give Black a good-natured pat in the arm. _

_SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSs_

_Snape joined the line anxiously, ending up behind a light-browned hair boy. _

Remus Lupin, poor boy. He had an inreputably kind heart although he was somewhat weak of will; though it was understandable considering his pitiable condition as a werewolf- he had been bitten so young..

_Professor Mcgonagall led them down the Great Hall, where there seemed to be no ceiling. The child stared up in amazement at the dark blue sky clearly visible as it was unhindered by window panes. As they reached the staff's tables Severus caught sight of an old man with flowing silver white hair and beard, golden half-moon glasses and twinkling blue eyes- Albus Dumbledore. A strange sense of reverence filled him which was clearly visible in his face before he had to turn around to face the rest of the school. _

Dumbledore felt slightly awkward at seeing himself in another person's memories. He watched with a gnawing sensation in his stomach the quiet awe reflected in the child's face as he had looked upon him.

_A patched, dirty hat was placed on a stool in front of all, a few second elapsed when the hat suddenly burst into song. A roaring applause filled the immense hall as the song ended and quieted down gradually as Professor Mcgonagall began calling out names from a list. Sirius Black was sorted into a Gryffindor, as were Lily Evans, Frank Longbottom, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, James Potter and several others, there were but two Hufflepuffs and a Ravenclaw when Snape's own name was called. The pale boy stumbled forward and sitting uncomfortably in the stool he put on the hat which went right over and left him staring at a black clothed inside._

_'Hmm... You're a difficult one to place.' the Hat spoke in his ear quietly, 'Quite a thirst for knowledge I see, maybe Ravenclaw...but, no. Your heart is brazen quite noble and braver than you think. Still,ah yes, great cunning there and ambitious in your own way. It is for the best. SLYTHERIN!' _

The Sorting Hat had considered putting him in Gryffindor! He was not surprised to discover it's hesitancy regarding Ravenclaw, for the boy had led a most astounding set of grades during his years at Hogwarts. Then again, Severus was demonstrating quite an amount of courage with this, accepting to be a spy to the most evil dark wizard was something not most would do. By his attitude just before he'd been submitted to the spell Albus was quite sure he was suffering greatly by this exploration of his mind, though it was no wonder to him by these painful memories the boy had locked inside.

_Snape walked shakily to the Slytherin table who was clapping politely, not sure if he should feel content or not. Even the Hat had not been very sure. The Gryffindor table hissed at him as he passed and he felt color draining from his face in shame even as they turned his attention to the next person being sorted. He took a seat and was startled as a fair, manicured hand suddenly extended towards him. He raised his eyes and saw a pointy-faced seventh year, with golden white hair and calculating gray eyes._

_'Lucius Malfoy. I've heard of your family, pity they got mingled with muggles a few years ago or you could almost pass for a pure-blood.'_

_Severus blinked and then shook the boy's hand, feeling somewhat awkward._

_'I'm Head Boy here if you need anything. And Severus you should feel proud to have been sorted into Slytherin, those filthy Gryffindor are always attempting to harass us but pay them no heed. Wear your colors with pride.'_

Lucius Malfoy was a Death Eater, it was not hard to imagine, he had been suspicious of it for a while. And it took even less to think of him as a recruiter of Voldemort's servants. He was an ingenious well actor with many masks he knew how to use well.

_Snape nodded and managed a small smile, feeling slightly happier that a seventh year had deigned to talk to him and even give him advice. He shook his head in wonder before food suddenly appeared before him. He cast an anxious glance around him and saw everyone had begun eating, he picked up his fork and noticing a brute-looking in front of him eyeing him with dull curiosity he hesitantly piled some food on his plate and began eating, feeling as though his mother would appear suddenly and throw him out of the room._

The memory ended swiftly to be replaced by another, one which he recalled.


	7. Chapter 7

DISCLAIMER Knuts and sickles and golden galleons.

Note: Hiya, thanks for all the reviews. They are greatly appreciated. Hope you enjoy the chapter!_

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_

_Severus sat at the Slytherin table, the golden plates and goblets bathed in light rays of early sunshine. Gulping, the boy hesitantly reached for a loaf of bread to smear butter on. A hand descended on his shoulder suddenly. He jumped badly and in a panicked movement scrambled from his seat, stumbling backwards he fell on the floor. He struggled to his feet, eyes wide with fear and confusion amidst the general laughter._

Snape shook his head slightly, fruitlessly attempting to reduce his growing headache. Such embarrasment...fortunately, no one had recognized the real reason for his panicked response. They had, however, won one good weapon against him and from thence on Potter and Black had taken to surprising him in the corridors until he had become quite adept at walking around with a suspicious and cautious step.

_'Oh. I'm sorry did I startle you?'_

_The hazel-eyed Gryffindor asked, surveying him with a satisfied grin. Snape's usual glower closed over his face, his eyes narrowing._

_'What do you want Potter?'_

_'Simple greeting.' James excused himself in his most innocent tones, raising up his hands. His smile returned, widening if it was possible, as Sirius Black approached._

_'Seems like sleeping at night doesn't suit bats very well.'_

Filthy git.

_He commented, gaining snicckers from everyone who was watching. The Slytherins were watching silently, though their full attention was devoted to the encounter- they seemed to be deciding whether Snape was worthy of being in their House._

_'As I suppose the reason you're late to breakfast Potter is your battle with your hair took longer than usual? Send my condolences to your comb.'_

_James turned a slight shade of pink as the Slytherins nodded and smirked in approval. _

_'May be. It seems you had the same problem with shampoo.' He responded with a haughty air._

_'It's obvious who lost.' Sirius added with a bark-like laughter._

_The dark eyed child's lips were twitching in disgust and anger when Dumbledore's calm, soothing voice rang through the hall. The old man stood up and smiled benignently on the threesome._

_'Come on now boys. Return to your respective tables and let us eat in peace, shall we?'_

It really was incredible how such a great, powerful, seemingly all-knowing wizard like Dumbledore could overlook the most obvious things. And yet, it was not important, was it? He was not important. Seeing it through the Headmaster's eyes he had probably just believed two mischieveous Gryffindor were simply having some fun. Who cared if it was at a Slytherin's stake?

_Potter and Black gave each other high fives before striding off to their cheering housemates, inmensely smug grins on their faces. Severus sat down again, though his appetite was gone, his eyes staring blankly at the plate before him, struggling to contain the tears as the first flickers of hate burned his coal-like eyes._

_SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsS_

_It was quite a subdued Severus Snape who followed his Slytherin classmates along the Hogwart's corridors, still torn between anger and embarrasment by the morning's incident. The walls aquirering a certain dampness and chiliness as they descended down to the school's lower levels. Upon reaching the dungeons were Potions classes were held the first years filed in, Snape choosing a discreet seat near the back of the class. A few moments later the Gryffindors arrived, laughing noisily. Black eyes narrowed in anger as he saw James and Sirius enter, taking a seat near two other Gryffindor boy's whose names he recalled were Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. _

_A woman stepped in silently, the door closing behind her with a snap, the class immediately fell silent. Her eyes were a pleasant shade of light brown surveyed the room without a word. _

Severus felt a burning sensation travel down his throat and into his stomach, as though he had swallowed a globe of fire. He had found some contentment with that Professor, a kindness and acceptance he had not know before. Rosjolie Mortnoir, with her fair milky skin and warm chocolaty eyes. She had taught him as much as she knew. Pity she had died.

_'I am Professor Mortnoir, I will be teaching you Potions the next years. Potions require a lot of attention, therefore I will tolerate no foolishness in my class; few will gain the knowledge I truly wish to impart you. Force of will, time and dedication are needed for this branch of magic and everyone's complete attention. Today we shall begin with a simple potion to test your skills...'_

Well, she had been killed. _Murdered. _Brutally tortured as they tried to win her over as Voldemort's Potions Mistress. He had been given the job instead.

_She waved her wand and a series of neat notes appeared in the blackboard in glowing blue chalk. The memory rushed by as the class worked, Snape bending over his cauldron. His face transformed with utter concentration, his hair falling all over his face as he poured the ingredients carefully over the bubbling purple liquid._

_'Ewe, Professor. Snape's going to ruin the potion with all that grease dripping into it.'_

_Sirius Black's mocking voice broke through the room, gaining quite a few laughs, mostly from the Gryffindors although a few of the Slytherins joined in too. Severus straightened up, and looked resolutely at his potion, stirring it clockwise for a few seconds, watching as the potion grew clearer with every stir until it was a pleasant shade of turqoiuse._

_Professor Mortnoir walked over to him and inspected the potion closesely._

_'Five points from Gryffindor Mr. Black, for interrupting my class with such inmature stupidities. Mr. Snape's potion is in perfect condition- ' she paused and strided over to the other boy's cauldron. The potion was a bright acid green, distracted he had forgotten to add the daisy roots.' -Unlike yours.'_

Her voice- so sweet, like a cup of warm, honeyed cocoa. His hands twitched, wishing he could shut out her ragged screams by covering his ears, but the shrieks were in his mind. The mug had shattered, the liquid long since dried up on a bloodied dungeon floor.

_Snape smiled unpleasantly as Black's potion was cleared, the boy shooting him a look of loathing as the pale child ladeled a flask of the potion he had been brewing._

_SsSsSsSsSsSsSs_

_Eleven-year old Snape stared open mouthed at the decorations, black eyes wide with surprise as he entered the Great Hall. Enormous, vivid green pine trees ran through the room, bathed in crystal frost while glowing fairies twirled around and slid down sparkling icicles. Few students had remained for the holidays, although sufficient for each to sit at their own tables. _

_'Merry Christmas.'_

_William Veleno, a Slytherin second year to whom he had spoken a few times greeted him with a smile as he sat down beside him._

_'To you too.'_

_Snape answered awkwardly, and piled a few pancakes onto his plate before pouring liberal amounts of maple syroup on them._

_'What'd you get?'_

_The other boy asked eagerly, his cheeks flushed with excitement. Severus stared at him with a slight frown._

_'In what?'_

_'For Christmas! Presents, you know?'_

_William responded, staring at him as though he were mad. Snape frowned slightly, he'd never really gotten any presents. They hardly celebrated Christmas at home at all, at least- not with him. _

_'N-nothing...'_

_The other boy laughed incredolously, gaping at him. _

As he watched the memory unfold and rush by, he really could not summon any emotion except a deep bitterness and profound sadness.

_sSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSs_

_Snape was knocked to the floor as he bumped into another student upon leaving the Great Hall. He raised his eyes to a kind smile and bright green eyes crowned by lustrous red hair._

_'Sorry Severus.'_

_Lily Evans excused herself, extending a hand to help him up from the floor. Shaking greasy strands from his face he scrambled backwards trying to avoid her and finally struggled to his feet on his own, the process was witnessed silently by the girl, who watched him with a small frown of concern. The Slytherin did not respond but skirted her and continued striding down the corridor. Lily followed him._

_'Merry Christmas.'_

_She said pointedly, finally grabbing his arm to stop him as he did not cease walking. He pulled away from her grasp with a hiss and frowned at her, eyes narrowed._

_'What do you want Evans?'_

_'There's not need to be so unpleasant all the time you know?'_

_'Fine. Merry Christmas. Are you happy now?'_

_'No! Really. Can't you be still for a moment so we can talk?'_

_He shook his head in bewilderment._

_'You. Me. Talk? Have you had too many Butterbeers Evans?'_

_She frowned at him, upset._

_'We're the only first years left here over the holidays, apart from that Hufflepuff bloke. I thought we could spend some time together.'._

_'Whatever for?'_

_'To get to know each other a bit more!' She answered incredolously, her detemination to getting to know the mysterious Severus Snape reinforcing._

_'If you cannot bear to be alone for two weeks then buy yourself a pet.'_

_Snape answered rudely before turning off and leaving quickly._

He really had not (and did not) deserve her, that friendship she had offered him. Still he treasured the memory, of what once was- the closest he had come to happiness- dearly; like a diamond nestled in his heart, even if it was tainted with blood.

_SsSsSsSsSsSsSs_

_A pleasant sun was making the sun sparkle brightly, as if it were a mantle of stars. _

_'Severus!'_

_Snape rolled his eyes as Lily Evans came bounding after him in the corridor, her hair tied in a tight ponytail. _

_'Hi. How's everything?'_

_'Evans, do you remember what I told you yesterday, or is your memory as limited as a fish'?'_

_'I remember, but I've forgiven you for your rudeness. Now, how about a walk around the lake, it's a nice day.'_

_The dark-eyed child seemed on the verge of sputtering in surprise at her bold attitude. He shook his head in denial._

_'I'm not giving up so easily Severus.'_

_His eyes narrowed._

_'Will you stop pestering me if I go on your bloody walk around the lake?'_

_'Might...' she responded, grinning._

He missed her, Snape realised suddenly. He felt tears threatening to spill once more as he thought of all the mistakes he had made... He had erred just by coming here, should have written a letter and ended his life before anyone could think of looking for him. But he didn't deserve that, did he? No. He had to help. He knew the delicate balance would never be regained; that he could not atone- no matter how many lives he saved he could not make up for the ones he had taken. Yet he had to try, even a small tilt would be a reward. Perhaps some day he could find peace inside. He doubted it.

_SsSsSsSsSsSsSs_

_'I want to see you smile Severus.'_

_Lily told him seriously as they stood outside, the Hogwart's grounds a pearly white mantel of soft snow._

_'There is nothing to smile about Evans.'_

Indeed. It seemed foolish, to smile and wave at the world while it only turned it's back and showered you with poisonous daggers.

_Her green eyes narrowed mischievously and she bent down swiftly, scooping up a handful of snow and threw it in Snape's face. The Slytherin stood stock still for a full moment before wiping the white substance from his face with an impatient hand, though a smile was indeed tugging at his lips._

_'How would you like for me to throw you into the frozen lake?'_

_'You wouldn't!'_

_She laughed and threw another snowball at the boy, which exploded against his chest. Severus narrowed his eyes and then smiled serenely aiming a white projectile at the bobbing red hair of the Gryffindor girl. Lily grinned and laughed happily as her hair became covered with snow._

Yet he missed her smile. He knew it was out there, he knew she was smiling and laughing with Potter and his friends- but never again with him. Perhaps it was better that way. Severus sighed, head still throbbing painfully, now in league with his heart.

_SsSsSsSsSsSsS_

_A soft ambient music played around the Slytherin common room, dark green cushions and armchairs occupied by chattering seventh-years, celebrating their final graduation from Hogwarts. Snape was walking around somewhat bored when someone grabbed his arm. The touch was gentle and yet, startled, he immediately stiffened. Lucius, to whom the fair hand belonged seemed to have noticed. He licked his thin lips, as though savouring the caramel liquid that was being passed amongst the students,but it made the first-year uneasy._

Oh, yes. Lucius was privy to some of his _secrets. _Rather against his will really. Now he regretted it more than ever- never hand your enemies a list of your faults and fears.

_'Well, well Severus. How are you?'_

_Malfoy asked amicably, smiling warmly, although his eyes remained cold. Severus looked up at the seventh-year, his face full of painful hope._

_'Fine, thanks. How're you Lucius?'_

_White blond hair rippled as Malfoy shook back his head and laughed pleasantly._

_'Oh, very good. I have already received some enticing offers from the Ministry of Magic.'_

_Snape nodded with interest. _

_'Do you know Severus, Professor Mortnoir, Head of Ravenclaw though she is, mentioned some wonderful things about your potions to Professor Giftiger.'_

_Black eyes lit up at the unusual praise and roved around the room towards the Slytherin Head of House, who was seated conversing with a group of graduating students._

_'Thanks.'_

_Lucius inspected him closely for a moment, as though he were trying to decide whether to confide in him or not, though cold humour played behind his mask of friendlyness._

_'Severus I want you to know something.'_

_'Yes?'_

_'That you can always trust me. Believe in me as I believe in you and your abilities.'_

_'Of course.'_

_'I have a feeling we can expect great things from you Severus. Be a proud Slytherin and don't bow down to those idiotic Gryffindors. Remember I believe in you.'_

_'Thank you Lucius.'_

_Thank you Lucius. _Thank you for guiding me safely down the path to hell; for holding the leash tied around my neck; for whipping my sides when I almost turned back; for feeding me blood when I grew thirsty; for bathing me in tears when I grew dirty; for throwing me down into the fiery chasm of the Dark Lord's eyes. Yes. Thank you Lucius.


	8. Chapter 8

DISCLAIMER: Obliviate.

Note: Thanks to all wonderful reviewers. I'm not completely content with this chapter, but ah well. Expect something a bit more interesting in the next. Cramming in as much angst as possible of course. Enjoy your reading!

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_

_Severus sat at the Slytherin table, the golden plates and goblets bathed in light rays of early sunshine. Gulping, the boy hesitantly reached for a loaf of bread to smear butter on. A hand descended on his shoulder suddenly. He jumped badly and in a panicked movement scrambled from his seat, stumbling backwards he fell on the floor. He struggled to his feet, eyes wide with fear and confusion amidst the general laughter._

Dumbledore's breath came out in a hiss of pain as guilt began nibbling his insides, embedding it's sharp, poisonous fangs in his flesh. He could see it so clearly now: the fear, reflected in the child's eyes as though they were black mirrors. Yet he had seen nothing, for he had not looked. How could he have been so blind?

_'Oh. I'm sorry did I startle you?'_

_The hazel-eyed Gryffindor asked, surveying him with a satisfied grin. Snape's usual glower closed over his face, his eyes narrowing._

_'What do you want Potter?'_

_'Simple greeting.' James excused himself in his most innocent tones, raising up his hands. His smile returned, widening if it was possible, as Sirius Black approached._

_'Seems like sleeping at night doesn't suit bats very well.'_

Most, including a small part of himself, had found it funny then. Two animated Gryffindors forming their first bonds of friendship- as they tore a Slytherin to pieces, Albus realised now.

_He commented, gaining snickers from everyone who was watching. The Slytherins were watching silently, though their full attention was devoted to the encounter- they seemed to be deciding whether Snape was worthy of being in their House._

_'As I suppose the reason you're late to breakfast Potter is your battle with your hair took longer than usual? Send my condolences to your comb.'_

_James turned a slight shade of pink as the Slytherins nodded and smirked in approval. _

_'May be. It seems you had the same problem with shampoo.' He responded with a haughty air._

_'It's obvious who lost.' Sirius added with a bark-like laughter._

_The dark eyed child's lips were twitching in disgust and anger when Dumbledore's calm, soothing voice rang through the hall. The old man stood up and smiled benignantly on the threesome._

_'Come on now boys. Return to your respective tables and let us eat in peace, shall we?'_

He longed to cover his face with his hands, as though that would drive away the ceaseless torrent of painful memories the boy had suffered. He felt, however, a strange sense of pride and awe. That this man, Severus Snape, had come to him. To him who had unwittingly payed no heed to his silent pleads for help; to him, who had been deaf by the lion's roaring; his eyes covered by a Gryffindor banner. And now that it had been removed he saw the truth about him: the snakes hissing pitifully as they burned to gray ashes; the badgers twitching as they suffocated beneath the dirt; the ravens crying out as their claws became entangled in vines. Blinded by his Gryffindor favoritism and lack of attention. Albus sighed softly.

_Potter and Black gave each other high fives before striding off to their cheering housemates, immensely smug grins on their faces. Severus sat down again, though his appetite was gone, his eyes staring blankly at the plate before him, struggling to contain the tears as the first flickers of hate burned his coal-like eyes._

_SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsS_

_It was quite a subdued Severus Snape who followed his Slytherin classmates along the Hogwart's corridors, still torn between anger and embarrassment by the morning's incident. The walls acquiring a certain dampness and chilliness as they descended down to the school's lower levels. Upon reaching the dungeons were Potions classes were held the first years filed in, Snape choosing a discreet seat near the back of the class. A few moments later the Gryffindors arrived, laughing noisily. Black eyes narrowed in anger as he saw James and Sirius enter, taking a seat near two other Gryffindor boy's whose names he recalled were Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. _

_A woman stepped in silently, the door closing behind her with a snap, the class immediately fell silent. Her eyes were a pleasant shade of light brown, surveyed the room without a word. _

_'I am Professor Mortnoir, I will be teaching you Potions the next years. Potions require a lot of attention, therefore I will tolerate no foolishness in my class; few will gain the knowledge I truly wish to impart you. Force of will, time and dedication are need for this branch of magic and everyone's complete attention. Today we shall begin with a simple potion to test your skills...'_

The old man felt another small pang as he saw the woman who had, until late, been Hogwart's Potions Mistress. Her corpse had been found some time after her disappearance- it had not been a pleasant sight. He shook his head slowly, they had lost so many in this war, they _were losing_ so many... and so many would be lost. He wondered if he would be able to bear this agony he was suffering upon witnessing these frightful memories. It was as if a dementor had swooped into his office. The thought that a young man of only twenty years of age should be full of such grief only brought another slash to his heart, pity writhing unrestrained in his chest. He could not, of course, give up. He had a war to fight- even if his soul broke in the way, and the shards were lost forever.

_She waved her wand and a series of neat notes appeared in the blackboard in glowing blue chalk. The memory rushed by as the class worked, Snape bending over his cauldron. His face transformed with utter concentration, his hair falling all over his face as he poured the ingredients carefully over the bubbling purple liquid._

_'Ewe, Professor. Snape's going to ruin the potion with all that grease dripping into it.'_

_Sirius Black's mocking voice broke through the room, gaining quite a few laughs, mostly from the Gryffindors although a few of the Slytherins joined in too. Severus straightened up, and looked resolutely at his potion, stirring it clockwise for a few seconds, watching as the potion grew clearer with every stir until it was a pleasant shade of turquoise._

_Professor Mortnoir walked over to him and inspected the potion closely._

_'Five points from Gryffindor Mr. Black, for interrupting my class with such immature stupidities. Mr. Snape's potion is in perfect condition- ' she paused and stride over to the other boy's cauldron. The potion was a bright acid green, distracted he had forgotten to add the daisy roots.' -Unlike yours.'_

Yes, she had certainly known had to treat everyone equally. She had, as all, felt a glowing pride and special love for her own house, Ravenclaw, but she had always offered all students the same opportunities and shown them the same kindness.

_Snape smiled unpleasantly as Black's potion was cleared, the boy shooting him a look of loathing as the pale child ladled a flask of the potion he had been brewing._

_SsSsSsSsSsSsSs_

_Eleven-year old Snape stared open mouthed at the decorations, black eyes wide with surprise as he entered the Great Hall. Enormous, vivid green pine trees ran through the room, bathed in crystal frost while glowing fairies twirled around and slid down sparkling icicles. Few students had remained for the holidays, although sufficient for each to sit at their own tables. _

_'Merry Christmas.'_

_William Veleno, a Slytherin second year to whom he had spoken a few times greeted him with a smile as he sat down beside him._

_'To you too.'_

_Snape answered awkwardly, and piled a few pancakes onto his plate before pouring liberal amounts of maple syrup on them._

_'What'd you get?'_

_The other boy asked eagerly, his cheeks flushed with excitement. Severus stared at him with a slight frown._

_'In what?'_

_'For Christmas! Presents, you know?'_

_William responded, staring at him as though he were mad. Snape frowned slightly, he'd never really gotten any presents. They hardly celebrated Christmas at home at all, at least- not with him. _

_'N-nothing...'_

_The other boy laughed incredulously, gaping at him. _

He felt sick, tired and old. His heart throbbing painfully as Pity stared at him with blank eyes, drenched in blood from the open wound in his chest as sorrow stabbed him again.

_sSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSssSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSs_

_Snape was knocked to the floor as he bumped into another student upon leaving the Great Hall. He raised his eyes to a kind smile and bright green eyes crowned by lustrous red hair._

_'Sorry Severus.'_

_Lily Evans excused herself, extending a hand to help him up from the floor. Shaking greasy strands from his face he scrambled backwards trying to avoid her and finally struggled to his feet on his own, the process was witnessed silently by the girl, who watched him with a small frown of concern. _

Dumbledore's face mirrored Lily's as he witnessed the scene. Though he was somewhat surprised to find such a memory in Snape's mind; he would not have thought he would remember such a petty encounter with a Gryffindor.

_The Slytherin did not respond but skirted her and continued striding down the corridor. Lily followed him._

_'Merry Christmas.'_

_She said pointedly, finally grabbing his arm to stop him as he did not cease walking. He pulled away from her grasp with a hiss and frowned at her, eyes narrowed._

_'What do you want Evans?'_

_'There's not need to be so unpleasant all the time you know?'_

_'Fine. Merry Christmas. Are you happy now?'_

_'No! Really. Can't you be still for a moment so we can talk?'_

_He shook his head in bewilderment._

_'You. Me. Talk? Have you had too many Butterbeers Evans?'_

_She frowned at him, upset._

_'We're the only first years left here over the holidays, apart from that Hufflepuff bloke. I thought we could spend some time together.'._

_'Whatever for?'_

_'To get to know each other a bit more!' She answered incredulously, her determination to getting to know the mysterious Severus Snape reinforcing._

_'If you cannot bear to be alone for two weeks then buy yourself a pet.'_

_Snape answered rudely before turning off and leaving quickly._

The boy _was _exceedingly rude; yet it was not surprising- he was only used to harsh treatment at home and many of students had not treated him very kindly either.

SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSs

_A pleasant sun was making the snow sparkle brightly, as if it were a mantle of stars. _

_'Severus!'_

_Snape rolled his eyes as Lily Evans came bounding after him in the corridor, her hair tied in a tight ponytail. _

_'Hi.How's everything?'_

_'Evans, do you remember what I told you yesterday, or is your memory as limited as a fish'?'_

_'I remember, but I've forgiven you for your rudeness. Now, how about a walk around the lake, it's a nice day.'_

_The dark-eyed child seemed on the verge of sputtering in surprise at her bold attitude. He shook his head in denial._

Dumbledore was torn between amusement at the child's incredolous surprise and grief upon seeing the present Snape- it was clear he had lost all inocence long ago.

_'I'm not giving up so easily Severus.'_

_His eyes narrowed._

_'Will you stop pestering me if I go on your bloody walk around the lake?'_

_'Might...' she responded, grinning._

Was he seeing the first buds of friendship? Albus wondered thoughtfully... But then why had he never seen the two together? Alas, this forboded a tragic ending. How much agony could a soul endure? He asked himself morosely.How many broken dreams did it take before the sharp pieces ripped a soul apart?

_SsSsSsSsSsSsSs_

_'I want to see you smile Severus.'_

_Lily told him seriously as they stood outside, the Hogwart's grounds a pearly white mantel of soft snow._

_'There is nothing to smile about Evans.'_

'There's always something to smile at, dear boy.' Dumbledore longed to tell the boy, tickling him until a real grin illuminated his face and real, mirthful laughter burst from him. But he knew it was useless, as he watched the thin lines that should not have been there, tighten around the present Snape's mouth, lips pulling downwards. There was nothing he could do, was there? For it was too late... His eyes fiilled with tears, like liquid saphires.

_Her green eyes narrowed mischievously and she bent down swiftly, scooping up a handful of snow and threw it in Snape's face. The Slytherin stood stock still for a full moment before wiping the white substance from his face with an impatient hand, though a smile was indeed tugging at his lips._

_'How would you like for me to throw you into the frozen lake?'_

_'You wouldn't!'_

_She laughed and threw another snowball at the boy, which exploded against his chest. Severus narrowed his eyes and then smiled serenely aiming a white projectile at the bobbing red hair of the Gryffindor girl. Lily grinned and laughed happily as her hair became covered with snow._

It was difficult to believe that boy smiling so contentedly was the same man seated before him. Things had gone so bad for so many... His eyes had held sadness then, but still a flicker of hope had shone like a bright star in the midnight sky. But now, the stars had died and nothing but hatred, anger and heart-wrenching grief filled the blackness.

_SsSsSsSsSsSsS_

_A soft ambient music played around the Slytherin common room, dark green cushions and armchairs occupied by chattering seventh-years, celebrating their final graduation from Hogwarts. Snape was walking around somewhat bored when someone grabbed his arm. The touch was gentle and yet, startled, he immediately stiffened. Lucius, to whom the fair hand belonged seemed to have noticed. He licked his thin lips, as though savoring the caramel liquid that was being passed amongst the students, but it made the first-year uneasy._

_'Well, well Severus. How are you?'_

_Malfoy asked amicably, smiling warmly, although his eyes remained cold. Severus looked up at the seventh-year, his face full of painful hope._

Dumbledore gave his head a quick shake. The man truly was a snake who could find his fangs effectively. Avid for power he wore a mask of beauty, kindness and money- only those whom did not serve his purposes beheld his true face of arrogance, cruelty and disdain. Another failure on his part.

_'Fine, thanks. How're you Lucius?'_

_White blond hair rippled as Malfoy shook back his head and laughed pleasantly._

_'Oh, very good. I have already received some enticing offers from the Ministry of Magic.'_

_Snape nodded with interest. _

_'Do you know Severus, Professor Mortnoir, Head of Ravenclaw though she is, mentioned some wonderful things about your potions to Professor Giftiger.'_

_Black eyes lit up at the unusual praise and roved around the room towards the Slytherin Head of House, who was seated conversing with a group of graduating students._

_'Thanks.'_

_Lucius inspected him closely for a moment, as though he were trying to decide whether to confide in him or not, though cold humor played behind his mask of friendliness._

_'Severus I want you to know something.'_

_'Yes?'_

_'That you can always trust me. Believe in me as I believe in you and your abilities.'_

_'Of course.'_

_'I have a feeling we can expect great things from you Severus. Be a proud Slytherin and don't bow down to those idiotic Gryffindors. Remember I believe in you.'_

_'Thank you Lucius.'_

Dumbledore was frankly flabbergasted, as he saw the hope and longing for trust shining in the boy's eyes. Lucius Malfoy had not taken long to begin weaving his web of lies- catching unwary students with threads of sweet words, praises and kind smiled. Of course, he had made himself a pillar of gold to turn to when everything else failed. He could offer them everything they desired- riches, power, knowledge, revenge- for seemingly no price at all. Bringing them straight to Voldemort. Quite the genius. Naturally the blame was not to fall on him alone, he was but the gardener who implanted the seed of evil before it was even recognizable as one, then simply let life coax it into blossoming.


	9. Chapter 9

DISCLAIMER: I am gaining as much as a little kid who eats snowflakes.

Note: Wow, I'm actually proud of this chapter. Thanks for the reviews. I've been calculating and discovered it'll end up being a twenty chaptered story by the way it's going. Hope you continue with me! Anyways, I found a quote which seemed to me very fitting for Snape:

/And nothing to look backward to with pride/ And nothing to look forward to with hope./ - Robert Frost.

Enjoy your reading!

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_The living room was dark, the heavy curtains closed securely over the windows, appearing as though they had not been opened in months. The smell of alcohol lingered in the air, mixed with the floating dust. Severus stood still, glaring at the floor, face shielded by his curtain of greasy, black hair. Sibilius reached out and grabbing the boy's jaw forcefully pulled up his face._

_'Look at me when I speak to you.'_

_The child did not answer, lowering his eyes and staring mutely at the wall before him. Delicate silver phials containing a remarkable collection of poisons balanced themselves on an ebony shelf. _

_'I suppose that's what you do at school. Hide behind that filthy mat of yours while you cry.'_

_The man spat nastily. Black eyes widened slightly in surprise, then roved until they settled on the man towering before him. They narrowed in suspicion and something akin to fear._

_'Oh. You didn't think I'd know, did you?'_

_'I don't know what you are speaking of.'_

_He lied, staggering back as a rough hand tore through the air and hit his cheek in a resounding slap. _

Snape sneered unpleasantly as he witnessed the scene. The last time that hand had been lifted to harm him- it had not landed exactly in it's desired aim- rather, it had been severed from all desire.

_'Legilemens.'_

_The boy crumbled to the floor with a cry and grabbed his head with both hands, eyes stinging with tears. Sibilius stared at the moaning twelve-year old coldly, lips pursed with the effort of the spell._

It was clear his father had never mastered the spell; he used too much force, achieving nothing but pain instead of focusing on gathering the information he desired. Now that he thought of it, perhaps that was his true aim. Severus shook his head bitterly. Well, he had had his own share of pain in the end. Indeed. But nothing could make up for the seventeen years of hell he had made him live. Revenge had been sweet... but so many poisons were as honey and yet deadly.

_'S-top. Please F-father. Hur-r-r-ts.'_

_The man jerked his wand to a side and the spell was lifted. Severus remained on the floor, whimpering, eyes closed tightly in pain. His father kicked him impatiently._

_'Get up weakling. You've learnt not to lie to your father, haven't you?'_

'Yes, and I learned to protect myself too. I suppose I do have some important things to thank you for, Father.' Snape thought angrily.

_Snape nodded quickly, scrambling to his feet unsteadily. The door closed with a snap as Sibilius left the room. The boy fell on his knees, heaving convulsively the contents of his stomach emptied on the carpet. Shaking feverishly he keeled sideways and draped a hand over his eyes, closing them wearily._

_SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSs_

_The blazing, silver title shone in the gloom, sparkling as the moon cast it's pale light upon it. Snape sat cross-legged on his bed, shivering slightly as a cool breeze wafted through the open window. A thick, black book lay before him, reverently placed on a pillow. Long white fingers slowly coated themselves with dust as they traced the contour of the letters, lips silently repeating the same word. The careful dance stopped as the boy eased it open, the book exhaling a breath of musty age before revealing yellowish-white pages crammed with loopy, elegant writing in black ink._

_Occlumency,_

_The Art of Shielding the Mind_

_Against External Penetration_

He still kept that book, carefully placed in one of his highest shelves, slowly covering itself with dust. Yet he treasured it. His uttermost protection. A fortress within yourself, the book said. He had discovered it in his father's own library, although the man had never bothered to read even half of his remarkable collection- which was now his, of course. That book, old and yet strong, felt as though it were the foundations of his cell. His own prison where he could keep his memories locked up, shielding his mind from others- and even from himself. But now...Dumbledore had crumbled his walls, and had let them free. And the pain, the ache in his heart was incredible.

_SsSsSsSsSsSS_

_Snape whirled back as the sound of broken glass and splattering potion echoed through the dungeons, slicing through the nervous conversations of the other students. Shards of glass lay on a pool of glum blue potion, his eyes traveled to a pair of feet and robes standing near. His body shook with rage as his sight's sojourn ended in Sirius Black's grinning face, a few inches away from Potter's own countenance. The thirteen-year old gaped, his breath shallow and ragged as he choked on the insults and curses longing to escape through his mouth. Professor Mortnoir lifted herself from her seat behind the desk and cleaned the mess swiftly. She cast a sympathetic glance at Snape,_

_'I'm sorry Seve- Mr. Snape, I'm afraid I can't give you any marks.' She paused and turned to stare at the two Gryffindor boys sternly.' Nor you, at any account, Mr. Potter and Black.'_

_'But Professor, it was an accident.'_

_Sirius pleaded in his most innocent tones, pouting slightly and giving her puppy eyes._

_The woman inspected him carefully then smiled._

_'Very well, but you should learn to be more careful.'_

_She advised kindly before turning to her seat, knocking two flasks to the ground with her hand. She raised it to her mouth in feigned surprise. _

_'Oh, I'm so sorry. How absolutely clumsy of me.' she tilted her head to aside as she vanished the glass and potions remnants, 'It seems like you won't be receiving any marks either.'_

_'B-but Professor-' _

_Potter spluttered angrily, his eyes wide with shock._

_'I'm sorry Mr. Potter, it was an accident.'_

_The Potions Mistress smiled at Severus conspiratorially, her eyes gleaming. Snape managed a half-smile, as surprised as the other two._

_'Class dismissed.'_

Severus smiled melancholically. She had been such a kind woman...And yet she was dead. He should be dead. Her eyes, her tears as she pleaded for mercy. Well- _Angels always fall first_ it was said.

_SsSsSsSsSsSsSs_

_His skin was damp under his soaked robes. Water dripped from his hair, clung to his eyelashes, ran down his cheeks, mingling with the tears. He rested his head against his knees, arms limp beside him. Silent sobs and shivers shook his frail form every few seconds. _

_'Severus. What are you doing here?'_

_Lily asked loudly over the pouring water as she opened the cubicle's door, she reached and turning the fosset shut out the shower. _

_'I should be a-asking you the same thing, in case you haven't noticed this is a boy's bathroom.'_

_She shook her head impatiently. 'I over-heard some boys talking about someone sitting dressed with the water running and thought it might be you.'_

_'Oh, I had no idea I was so predictable.'_

_'Nut-cases usually are.'_

Tears sprang to his eyes, his breath hitching in his chest as his heart seemed to contract painfully. He missed her. And it was his fault she was gone, he had pushed her away. Snape swallowed hard. Though, of course, it was better for her this way. She did not deserve to suffer, and she would if she saw him now. What he had become. Lily was too kind, her heart too good. But he missed her. Badly.

_He raised his head and stared at her, the shadow of a smile on his face. Lily took a seat next to Snape, her hair sprinkled with water like dew on red grass blades as she sat on the white tiles._

_'You're going to get sick.'_

_She stated, frowning with concern at her friend, whose face was once more buried against his legs._

_'As if it matters.'_

_'It matters to me.'_

_He sighed._

_'Lily it's dinner time, isn't it? You should be in the Great Hall.'_

_'Were you attempting to drown yourself or something?'_

_'No. I just- '_

_'Oh, Severus.' she cried out suddenly, tears springing to her own eyes as she bent forwards to embrace him. Snape stiffened momentarily, surprised, then hugged her back. She pulled away after a few minutes._

_'You're all wet.'_

_She said in a mock-disgusted tone as she wiped the tears from her face impatiently. The Slytherin smirked._

_'Have you taken in account where we are?'_

_Lily laughed. _

_'So, are you going to tell me what's bothering you?'_

_She asked seriously once more. Snape stared at the swirling drain and his shoes drenched in water._

_'Rather WHO's bothering me... and I think you know it quite well.'_

_Lily frowned angrily._

_'Not those morons, Potter and Black.'_

_'That's a rather harsh denomination, Lily.' Snape reprimanded sarcastically. 'Perhaps, brainless, idiotic, freaking bastards would be better.'_

_'Indeed, you forgot conceited, arrogant gits.'_

_Snape grinned and let out a small chuckle, Lily's eyes sparkling with laughter._

_'Who're you going to the Christmas ball with?'_

_'Lily, I believe you forget who you are talking to.'_

_'If you don't ask anyone then you can't know!'_

_'I prefer to save myself the embarrassment.'_

_'Do you want to go with me?'_

You never should have asked me that Lily.

_Severus stared at her. Lily smiled, feigning a blush and then grinned. _

_'Well ?...'_

_'Are you serious?' He asked slowly._

_'Yes. So, do you? We're friends you know, I don't see why it's such a big deal. It's only a ball: dance, eat and have fun!'_

_Snape shook his head slightly, as though trying to clear his head._

_'I suppose. Y-yes, alright.'_

_Lily's smile widened, she threw her arms around him and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. Snape blushed and hugged her tightly, a real, pleased smile transforming his face._

_'Speaking of eating, I'm hungry.'_

_'I'm not really. I'll go change, don't want to get sick.'_

_'Yes. You have a compromise with me.' Lily joked, waving her finger warningly in front of his face. Snape lifted himself to his feet and offered his hand. _

_'See you tomorrow Lily.'_

_'Goodnight Severus.'_

_SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSs_

_Snape glared at himself in the mirror. Dressed in black velvet robes with silver serpentine clasping gave him a remarkably elegant air- although it did nothing to disguise his scrawny form. He had succeeded in reducing the greasiness in his hair slightly, but it still hung in depressingly lank strands just to his shoulders. His skin appeared even more pallid in contrast to the darkness of his hair, robes and eyes. _

_'Hey Snape.'_

_The fourteen-year old boy turned around and smirked in greeting as Evan Rosiers pretended to be perusing himself in a hand-mirror, fluffing his hair around and twirling his eyelashes._

_'Really Evan, I had no idea you delighted in your image so much. I hope you were not offended that my present was not the most adequate, as it was not a make-up set. Perhaps next year.'_

_The Slytherin choked and narrowed his eyes in mock-anger, then grinned._

_'The book has some excellent glamour charms though.'_

He had ended making some acquaintances with his own house after a few years. Not too close, but enough for daily contact.

_LsLsLsLsLs_

_'Lily, you look- pretty.'_

Beautiful.

_He greeted her hesitantly, giving her a curt nod as she descended the stairs. She was wearing green robes which sparkled in different hues as it hit the light, her hair in a loose bun, fiery strands curled around her face. Lily smiled at him confidently and extended her hand, which he took after gently pressing his lips to it._

_'Oh, Severus! You're such a gentleman.'_

_She exclaimed happily as they locked arms._

_'Merry Christmas.'_

_'It is, isn't it?'_

_She giggled. Elated as they made their way towards the Great Hall, pleasant, classical music drifting around them. As they reached the Hall they saw the usual House tables were gone, replaced by about a hundred smaller ones, a large area had also been cleared for dancing. _

_'Did you like my present Severus?'_

_She asked, once they were seated, taking a sip at a glass of Butterbeer._

_'Very much. A most enticing illegal object. Thank you Lily.'_

_He whispered softly, gracing her with a small smile. She huffed in mock-indignation._

_'Why should a crystal pendant with a drop of blood be illegal?'_

_'Blood is used in controlling-potions, you ought to know that.'_

_'Well, but two friends may share a bond without the Ministry forcing their stupid regulations on them.'_

_Snape smirked as her face colored in annoyance._

_'I-I brought something for you.'_

_He stammered, suddenly shy and reaching in his robes presented a lily. It was pure white, almost glowing, except for the golden interior and the vivid green stem, liquid pearls and a sprinkle of yellow pollen kissed it's delicate petals. Lily took it in her hand reverently, gazing at it with awe._

_'It's beautiful Severus.'_

_She said softly. Snape took out his wand,'Lilium Vitrum Non-rumpere ' he muttered and with a shining white light the flower seemed to freeze, turning into a remarkably real-looking crystal lily._

_'Oh, thank you.'_

_Lily breathed, leaning forward to give him a kiss of gratitude. Snape smiled shyly._

_'Let's dance.' The Gryffindor proposed excitedly. She frowned slightly at the boy's obvious reticence._

_'Please.'_

Things could have been so different. Should have been.

_She pleaded grasping his hand and standing up. Severus gave up with a shrug and followed her to the dancing circle, where a few couples were enthralled in each others arms. He took her hand firmly and clasped another around her waist as she instructed and soon they were waltzing around comfortably. Lily rested her head on Snape's shoulder, who closed his eyes and pressed his cheek against her hair tenderly. _

Her hair always smelled like cinnamon.

_He jerked as he felt a tingling sensation hit him, Lily broke from his grasp and stared at him questioningly then raised her hand to cover her mouth in horror. His hair was rapidly turning orange, until with a pop it was completely colored. Snarling Severus whirled around in time to see Potter aiming another spell at him. He doubled and staggered backwards as it hit him, a gurgling feeling spreading up his stomach. He hiccoughed and a bat flew from his mouth. There was a stunned silence before a bark-like laughter rang through the room, Sirius Black. Raccous laughter filled the room, as he hiccupped again and a group of bats extracted themselves from his mouth. _

_He looked up from the floor and saw the bats had become entangled in Lily's hair, frowning in anger he whirled around again and caught sight of Black laughing. He plunged his hand into his robes._

_'Tarantallegra!'_

_He could hear laughter, and Lily's shrieks as the bats continued to pick at her hair and clung to her robes. Sirius was cursing repeatedly as his legs danced under him uncontrollably and Potter rushed forward to the girl's side._

_'Desaugeo.'_

_James' teeth began to grow alarmingly as he pointed his own wand at Snape,_

_'Expelliarmus!'_

_The Slytherin was thrown back at the force of the spell and raised his wand to administer some other curse when he felt a pair of legs behind him. He lifted his face and saw Dumbledore standing behind him, gazing at the scene calmly, though a hint of annoyance and humor was visible in his twinkling eyes._

That twinkle in his eyes. He had found it funny. Humorous that what should have been a pleasant Christmas night had ended thus.But, of course, it was his precious Gryffindors who were having fun. Snape sighed, yet he could not bring himself to hate the old man.

_'Finite Incantatum.'_

_He said softly and Black stopped twitching, Potter's teeth, now at his stomach's height ceased growing and the hiccups stopped, the bats flying off into the night through the open ways leading to the gardens._

_'Now, what is this? Mr. Potter, Mr. Black I believe you are responsible for the current events?'_

_James nodded, unable to speak through his elongated teeth as Sirius fidgeted in his place._

_'Twenty points will be removed from Gryffindor House for this rude disruption of the Christmas Ball and you shall each be serving a week's detention with Filch.'_

_Both Gryffindors frowned angrily and Black began ranting about unfair and Snape._

_'Silence.' Ordered Dumbledore blandly, ' As for you Mr. Snape,' he said casting the Slytherin at his feet a curious glance with a mixture of pity,' Night's detention tomorrow evening for hexing Mr. Potter and Mr. Black.'_

_'I was but defending myself.'_

_He snarled, but Dumbledore simply shook his head slightly._

_'Nonetheless. Mr. Potter and Mr. Snape you should pass by the Infirmary to remove the effects of your spells now.'_

Bitter anger coursed through him, entangled with such a deep feeling of grief he could not begin to consider it. If it took hold he knew he would weep, scream until his eyes dried and his throat became too sore and all life left his heart. He could not let that sorrow posses him. It was easier to hate, not only Potter and Black but _himself._ He had nothing left, nothing but these emotions he could not bear. That was why he did not wish to remember. His whole life was a great mistake. Sometimes, he wished he had never existed. And now he was forced to remember, to think and feel all those times he had longed to forget. And it hurt.


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: If you sue me you're only going to lose your money.

Note: I wasn't really implying any Lily/Severus romance, although when I wrote it I was very tempted to put it in and I suddenly grew fond of a pairing I had never liked. Truly remarkable. Anyways, more terrible (lovely) angst in the next chapter. Thanks for the reviews. I'm glad you're enjoying it.

* * *

_The living room was dark, the heavy curtains closed securely over the windows, appearing as though they had not been opened in months. The smell of alcohol lingered in the air, mixed with the floating dust. Severus stood still, glaring at the floor, face shielded by his curtain of greasy, black hair. Sibilius reached out and grabbing the boy's jaw forcefully pulled up his face._

_'Look at me when I speak to you.'_

Dumbledore shook his head fervently in an uncharacteristic display of despair. It had been mentioned at Hogwarts, he recalled now, how a certain Slytherin had a tendency to hide behind his hair most of the time. And they had all dismissed it as another of his strange attitudes which built up his queer behavior. Oh, how had he been so terribly blind? How could he have missed the signs, that now appeared to him so clear? But he had not been the one to suffer the consequences of his _pathetic _incompetence. No, it had been a child, this poor boy. He had failed tremendously.

_The child did not answer, lowering his eyes and staring mutely at the wall before him. Delicate silver phials containing a remarkable collection of poisons balanced themselves on an ebony shelf. _

_'I suppose that's what you do at school. Hide behind that filthy mat of yours while you cry.'_

_The man spat nastily. Black eyes widened slightly in surprise, then roved until they settled on the man towering before him. They narrowed in suspicion and something akin to fear._

_'Oh. You didn't think I'd know, did you?'_

_'I don't know what you are speaking of.'_

_He lied, staggering back as a rough hand tore through the air and hit his cheek in a resounding slap. _

He winced at the hard blow, marveling sorrowfully as the boy bore it without a cry. Snape had clearly had much experience. He wished to bury his face in his hands so ardently.. How could he look at the young man in the eye when he had left him to suffer? He was a Death Eater, Albus reminded himself sternly. And yet, with the treatment he had received all his life...No! Murdering and torturing was not justifiable. Still, acute pain flooded him as his insides were slowly devoured by Guilt, Pity nestled in his chest, it's clawed paws scratching his heart and making breathing difficult.

_'Legilemens.'_

_The boy crumbled to the floor with a cry and grabbed his head with both hands, eyes stinging with tears. Sibilius stared at the moaning twelve-year old coldly, lips pursed with the effort of the spell._

_'S-top. Please F-father. Hur-r-r-ts.'_

It was obvious the man did not know how to perform the spell correctly. How could a father cause so much pain to his son? He had never approved of violence, and yet, he knew that if he had the man before him he would not hesitate to attack him.

_The man jerked his wand to a side and the spell was lifted. Severus remained on the floor, whimpering, eyes closed tightly in pain. His father kicked him impatiently._

_'Get up weakling. You've learnt not to lie to your father, haven't you?'_

_Snape nodded quickly, scrambling to his feet unsteadily. The door closed with a snap as Sibilius left the room. The boy fell on his knees, heaving convulsively the contents of his stomach emptied on the carpet. Shaking feverishly he keeled sideways and draped a hand over his eyes, closing them wearily._

The old man sighed sadly. It was natural the spell had affected the child badly, as it had been administered in such a brutal way. He felt tears come to his eyes as Severus closed his eyes; such weariness of soul in a twelve-year old. Things were not supposed to be thus, so many things gone wrong.

_SsSsSsSsSsSsS_

_The blazing, silver title shone in the gloom, sparkling as the moon cast it's pale light upon it. Snape sat cross-legged on his bed, shivering slightly as a cool breeze wafted through the open window. A thick, black book lay before him, reverently placed on a pillow. Long white fingers slowly coated themselves with dust as they traced the contour of the letters, lips silently repeating the same word. The careful dance stopped as the boy eased it open, the book exhaling a breath of musty age before revealing yellowish-white pages crammed with loopy, elegant writing in black ink._

_Occlumency,_

_The Art of Shielding the Mind_

_Against External Penetration_

The boy looked barely older than in the last memory, it still seemed summer; and, Dumbledore noticed with painful dread his left eye was black and slightly swollen as there were discoloring bruises on his arms. With a shuddering sigh he forced his attention to the book and received a small shock as he discovered it was the same he himself had used to learn Occlumency. No wonder the young man was so skilled, he had been practicing for years and had chosen a remarkably good "teacher". Though, of course, the circumstances surrounding his desire to learning the art were so deplorable. He never need have learnt, never should have endured that. So many people suffered what they did not deserve. And in this days, everything was laced with grief and pain. But it was the thought that he could have avoided this, that was paining Albus, if only he had paid attention.

_SsSsSsSsSsSs_

_Snape whirled back as the sound of broken glass and splattering potion echoed through the dungeons, slicing through the nervous conversations of the other students. Shards of glass lay on a pool of glum blue potion, his eyes traveled to a pair of feet and robes standing near. His body shook with rage as his sight's sojourn ended in Sirius Black's grinning face, a few inches away from Potter's own countenance. The thirteen-year old gaped, his breath shallow and ragged as he choked on the insults and curses longing to escape through his mouth. _

Dumbledore was not surprised to see the boy's eyes brimming with dislike; Severus clearly put a lot of effort in his potions and seeing his creation broken on the floor in the hands of his enemies would not please anyone.

_Professor Mortnoir lifted herself from her seat behind the desk and cleaned the mess swiftly. She cast a sympathetic glance at Snape,_

_'I'm sorry Seve- Mr. Snape, I'm afraid I can't give you any marks.' She paused and turned to stare at the two Gryffindor boys sternly.' Nor you, at any account, Mr. Potter and Black.'_

_'But Professor, it was an accident.'_

_Sirius pleaded in his most innocent tones, pouting slightly and giving her puppy eyes._

Sirius Black had managed to worm himself out of quite a few punishments with his angelic countenance; he was no devil of course, but he did hide a remarkably annoying imp.

_The woman inspected him carefully then smiled._

_'Very well, but you should learn to be more careful.'_

_She advised kindly before turning to her seat, knocking two flasks to the ground with her hand. She raised it to her mouth in feigned surprise. _

_'Oh, I'm so sorry. How absolutely clumsy of me.' she tilted her head to aside as she vanished the glass and potions remnants, 'It seems like you won't be receiving any marks either.'_

_'B-but Professor-' _

_Potter spluttered angrily, his eyes wide with shock._

_'I'm sorry Mr. Potter, it was an accident.'_

_The Potions Mistress smiled at Severus conspiratorially, her eyes gleaming. Snape managed a half-smile, as surprised as the other two._

_'Class dismissed.'_

How ingenious of Rosjolie! It was a slight relief to know at least one of the professors had favored the Slytherin somewhat. He had not received much kindness, and to have counted with her appreciation represented a dim light to illuminate the darkness which cloaked him.

_SsSsSsSsSsSsSs_

_His skin was damp under his soaked robes. Water dripped from his hair, clung to his eyelashes, ran down his cheeks, mingling with the tears. He rested his head against his knees, arms limp beside him. Silent sobs and shivers shook his frail form every few seconds. _

_'Severus. What are you doing here?'_

He could feel Pity tearing his heart to shreds as it writhed viciously inside him. Albus thought suddenly that he had never seen the boy actually cry at Hogwarts, now he had an example of where he had taken refuge to let out his true feelings- and it was certainly not comforting. Alas, now that he saw the extent of what he had been blind to, he couldn't but help wonder what other things he had missed.

_Lily asked loudly over the pouring water as she opened the cubicle's door, she reached and turning the fosset shut out the shower. _

_'I should be a-asking you the same thing, in case you haven't noticed this is a boy's bathroom.'_

_She shook her head impatiently. 'I over-heard some boys talking about someone sitting dressed with the water running and thought it might be you.'_

_'Oh, I had no idea I was so predictable.'_

_'Nut-cases usually are.'_

_He raised his head and stared at her, the shadow of a smile on his face. Lily took a seat next to Snape, her hair sprinkled with water like dew on red grass blades as she sat on the white tiles._

_'You're going to get sick.'_

_She stated, frowning with concern at her friend, whose face was once more buried against his legs._

At least he had had someone who had cared for him; for Lily Evans had never been very skilled at lying, so the look of concern on her face could be nothing but genuine.

_'As if it matters.'_

_'It matters to me.'_

_He sighed._

_'Lily it's dinner time, isn't it? You should be in the Great Hall.'_

_'Were you attempting to drown yourself or something?'_

Panic fluttered into his mind, like a giant butterfly with spiked wings, leaving the Headmaster feeling light-headed. He could not bear it a student in his school should even consider attempting suicide, at least without him knowing.

_'No. I just- '_

Albus sighed in relief, at least he had not failed so completely.

_'Oh, Severus.' she cried out suddenly, tears springing to her own eyes as she bent forwards to embrace him. Snape stiffened momentarily, surprised, then hugged her back. She pulled away after a few minutes._

_'You're all wet.'_

_She said in a mock-disgusted tone as she wiped the tears from her face impatiently. The Slytherin smirked._

_'Have you taken in account where we are?'_

_Lily laughed. _

_'So, are you going to tell me what's bothering you?'_

_She asked seriously once more. Snape stared at the swirling drain and his shoes drenched in water._

_'Rather WHO's bothering me... and I think you know it quite well.'_

_Lily frowned angrily._

_'Not those morons, Potter and Black.'_

_'That's a rather harsh denomination, Lily.' Snape reprimanded sarcastically. 'Perhaps, brainless, idiotic, freaking bastards would be better.'_

_'Indeed, you forgot conceited, arrogant gits.'_

His favoritism once more. Dumbledore bowed his head. He had given the two Gryffindors nearly total freedom, for petty punishments and a few points had not hindered them in the slightest. But he had just considered them harmless pranks then, without realizing they had to be at expense of someone- and it was clear Snape had not taken them well. Yet, who would? Who could ignore the constant harassment? Then in their sixth year... things had gotten brusquely out of hand The little push to cast the Slytherin into the final abyss.

_Snape grinned and let out a small chuckle, Lily's eyes sparkling with laughter._

_'Who're you going to the Christmas ball with?'_

_'Lily, I believe you forget who you are talking to.'_

_'If you don't ask anyone then you can't know!'_

_'I prefer to save myself the embarrassment.'_

Lonely. How could he, anyone, never have thought how it would affect a boy, a _child, _to be rejected by so many? To have no one to turn to when it all grew too much, no comforting shoulder to cry on. Of course he would have run to anyone who held his arms open and a smile- even if it were but a disguise, and he be running straight into Death's hands. Perhaps Death would have been better than Voldemort. No, he reprimanded himself. He had turned back, he could still redeem himself.

_'Do you want to go with me?'_

_Severus stared at her. Lily smiled, feigning a blush and then grinned. _

_'Well ?...'_

_'Are you serious?' He asked slowly._

_'Yes. So, do you? We're friends you know, I don't see why it's such a big deal. It's only a ball: dance, eat and have fun!'_

_Snape shook his head slightly, as though trying to clear his head._

_'I suppose. Y-yes, alright.'_

_Lily's smile widened, she threw her arms around him and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. Snape blushed and hugged her tightly, a real, pleased smile transforming his face._

The reality of that smile brought the old man a painful pang. For he knew this friendship with Miss Evans could not have lasted much longer, he was sure she would not have let Snape fall if they had been friends.

_'Speaking of eating, I'm hungry.'_

_'I'm not really. I'll go change, don't want to get sick.'_

_'Yes. You have a compromise with me.' Lily joked, waving her finger warningly in front of his face. Snape lifted himself to his feet and offered his hand. _

_'See you tomorrow Lily.'_

_'Goodnight Severus.'_

_SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSs_

_Snape glared at himself in the mirror. Dressed in black velvet robes with silver serpentine clasping gave him a remarkably elegant air- although it did nothing to disguise his scrawny form. He had succeeded in reducing the greasiness in his hair slightly, but it still hung in depressingly lank strands just to his shoulders. His skin appeared even more pallid in contrast to the darkness of his hair, robes and eyes. _

Snape had grown obviously since his second year at Hogwarts, finally ceasing at a respectable height. Though he had kept himself unnaturally thin- now he was visibly starved. Dumbledore pondered for a moment on the possibility of him perhaps suffering some sort of eating disorder... but he had seen nothing in the boy's memories to suggest such.

_'Hey Snape.'_

_The fourteen-year old boy turned around and smirked in greeting as Evan Rosiers pretended to be perusing himself in a hand-mirror, fluffing his hair around and twirling his eyelashes._

_'Really Evan, I had no idea you delighted in your image so much. I hope you were not offended that my present was not the most adequate, as it was not a make-up set. Perhaps next year.'_

_The Slytherin choked and narrowed his eyes in mock-anger, then grinned._

_'The book has some excellent glamour charms though.'_

He _had _established some contact amongst his peers then, although, he recalled, they were rarely seen together beyond the walls of the Slytherin commons. Not the most recommendable company either. He knew from his own sources that Evan Rosiers was also a Death Eater, though it was obvious Severus was oblivious to the fact. Albus sighed. The life of so many was plagued by _could have_sand _should have_s.

_LsLsLsLsLs_

_'Lily, you look- pretty.'_

_He greeted her hesitantly, giving her a curt nod as she descended the stairs. She was wearing green robes which sparkled in different hues as it hit the light, her hair in a loose bun, fiery strands curled around her face. Lily smiled at him confidently and extended her hand, which he took after gently pressing his lips to it._

_'Oh, Severus! You're such a gentleman.'_

The boy did have some excellent manners... when he cared to use them.

_She exclaimed happily as they locked arms._

_'Merry Christmas.'_

_'It is, isn't it?'_

_She giggled. Elated as they made their way towards the Great Hall, pleasant, classical music drifting around them. As they reached the Hall they saw the usual House tables were gone, replaced by about a hundred smaller ones, a large area had also been cleared for dancing. _

_'Did you like my present Severus?'_

_She asked, once they were seated, taking a sip at a glass of Butterbeer._

_'Very much. A most enticing illegal object. Thank you Lily.'_

_He whispered softly, gracing her with a small smile. She huffed in mock-indignation._

_'Why should a crystal pendant with a drop of blood be illegal?'_

Dumbledore's eyebrows raised in surprise at the revelation. He had not been expecting Miss Evans to break the _law _so pointedly, indeed. Then again, she was very firm to her own convictions.

_'Blood is used in controlling-potions, you ought to know that.'_

_'Well, but two friends may share a bond without the Ministry forcing their stupid regulations on them.'_

And had an open dislike for many aspects of the wizarding law, even now as she trained for an auror at the Ministry she helped him with the Order.

_Snape smirked as her face colored in annoyance._

_'I-I brought something for you.'_

_He stammered, suddenly shy and reaching in his robes presented a lily. It was pure white, almost glowing, except for the golden interior and the vivid green stem, liquid pearls and a sprinkle of yellow pollen kissed it's delicate petals. Lily took it in her hand reverently, gazing at it with awe._

_'It's beautiful Severus.'_

_She said softly. Snape took out his wand,'Lilium Vitrum Non-rumpere ' he muttered and with a shining white light the flower seemed to freeze, turning into a remarkably real-looking crystal lily._

The old man wondered slightly if the present was rather amorous, more than friendly. Had he sheltered romantic ideas towards the red-headed Gryffindor? He couldn't help but being a little sorry it had not flourished, a Slytherin-Gryffindor pairing had not been seen in Hogwarts for years. It was still an excellent gift though, whichever the motivations.

_'Oh, thank you.'_

_Lily breathed, leaning forward to give him a kiss of gratitude. Snape smiled shyly._

_'Let's dance.' The Gryffindor proposed excitedly. She frowned slightly at the boy's obvious reticence._

_'Please.'_

_She pleaded grasping his hand and standing up. Severus gave up with a shrug and followed her to the dancing circle, where a few couples were enthralled in each others arms. He took her hand firmly and clasped another around her waist as she instructed and soon they were waltzing around comfortably. Lily rested her head on Snape's shoulder, who closed his eyes and pressed his cheek against her hair tenderly. _

_He jerked as he felt a tingling sensation hit him, Lily broke from his grasp and stared at him questioningly then raised her hand to cover her mouth in horror. His hair was rapidly turning orange, until with a pop it was completely colored. Snarling Severus whirled around in time to see Potter aiming another spell at him. He doubled and staggered backwards as it hit him, a gurgling feeling spreading up his stomach. He hiccoughed and a bat flew from his mouth. There was a stunned silence before a bark-like laughter rang through the room, Sirius Black. Raucous laughter filled the room, as he hiccupped again and a group of bats extracted themselves from his mouth. _

He could imagine the embarrassment, the anger, the pain. He sighed.

_He looked up from the floor and saw the bats had become entangled in Lily's hair, frowning in anger he whirled around again and caught sight of Black laughing. He plunged his hand into his robes._

_'Tarantallegra!'_

_He could hear laughter, and Lily's shrieks as the bats continued to pick at her hair and clung to her robes. Sirius was cursing repeatedly as his legs danced under him uncontrollably and Potter rushed forward to the girl's side._

_'Desaugeo.'_

_James' teeth began to grow alarmingly as he pointed his own wand at Snape,_

_'Expelliarmus!'_

_The Slytherin was thrown back at the force of the spell and raised his wand to administer some other curse when he felt a pair of legs behind him. He lifted his face and saw Dumbledore standing behind him, gazing at the scene calmly, though a hint of annoyance and humor was visible in his twinkling eyes._

Albus shamefully shook his head lightly. He cast a worried glance at the grown Snape: his forehead was creased in a deep frown of anger one could suppose, his eyes closed tightly in apparent pain, only his lower lip's slight trembling betrayed his real pain.

_'Finite Incantatum.'_

_He said softly and Black stopped twitching, Potter's teeth, now at his stomach's height ceased growing and the hiccups stopped, the bats flying off into the night through the open ways leading to the gardens._

_'Now, what is this? Mr. Potter, Mr. Black I believe you are responsible for the current events?'_

_James nodded, unable to speak through his elongated teeth as Sirius fidgeted in his place._

_'Twenty points will be removed from Gryffindor House for this rude disruption of the Christmas Ball and you shall each be serving a week's detention with Filch.'_

_Both Gryffindors frowned angrily and Black began ranting about unfair and Snape._

_'Silence.' Ordered Dumbledore blandly, ' As for you Mr. Snape,' he said casting the Slytherin at his feet a curious glance with a mixture of pity,' Night's detention tomorrow evening for hexing Mr. Potter and Mr. Black.'_

_'I was but defending myself.'_

_He snarled, but Dumbledore simply shook his head slightly._

_'Nonetheless. Mr. Potter and Mr. Snape you should pass by the Infirmary to remove the effects of your spells now.'_

Guilt took a particularly large bite, but what could he have done? You could have offered him your support, talked seriously to the boys who had begun styling themselves the Marauders to leave the Slytherin alone. _Could have- should have._


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: -

Note: Well, this chapter required some thinking. It's a bit clichè, if I may say so myself. Still, I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for the encouraging reviews.

* * *

_'Lily.'_

_He greeted her quietly. Snape was completely still, even as he sat on the Hogwart's entrance stairs clothed in nothing but worn robes and a thin cloak which offered nearly no protection against the mounting blizzard. Specks of snow were dancing with the swirling wind, making his voice hardly audible above the violent howling._

_'What's wrong Severus? You've been avoiding me for nearly two weeks!'_

_Lily exclaimed with a frown of concern, shivering as she gathered her cloak around her._

_'I needed to think.'_

_'I've been really worried. Since the ball...'_

_The Slytherin stared at her as her voice died uncertainly, his face completely devoid of emotion. Tears begun to glisten in the girl's eyes mixed with a tinge of fear as she watched her friend's cold countenance._

_'I have decided it would be better i-if- ' he faltered for a moment. His lower lip trembled slightly before he bit it down decisively and continued. ' If we stopped seeing each other.'_

It had been so hard... not to give in to his true desire. As he had seen her green emeralds glowing brightly with emotion, he had longed to wipe away every tear from her fair face with tender fingers, like collecting liquid diamonds. He wished it still, he realized, to caress her milky cheek once more, to feel her cherry lips and lustrous fiery mane. To embrace her for a last time. But it was much too late.

_'You can't mean that.'_

_Lily whispered shakily. Her knuckles white as her grip on her cloak tightened, bunching the cloth between her fingers nervously._

_'It's for the best.'_

And it had been for the best. He had seen how they had laughed at her at the Ball, how she had shrieked as the bats entangled themselves in her hair and robes. It was not fair, he had decided after some serious deliberation, that she should suffer on his account. She would be fine without him anyway, after all, she had some other good friends in her own house. And nobody, least of all Lily, could need the friendship of a ridiculed, lonely Slytherin.

_'How can you say that? We're friends.'_

_'You have other friends.'_

_He responded, his gaze settled on the floor between her feet. The Gryffindor took a step forward._

_'But none like you.'_

Perhaps. Snape breathed heavily through his nose as he fought to contain the tears. He had made so many mistakes- who could say that he might not have erred then.

_She breathed softly. Her green eyes sad, swimming with tears._

_'Lily- don't- . Forget me.'_

_'No! You can't simply decide to throw our friendship down the drain!'_

He _had _done it though; thrown their friendship into a dark, hidden corner of himself and attempted to forget about it. But it had scraped greatly as he pushed it down, creating a profound wound in his heart. He had thought it healed, as the years passed, but it had only scarred lightly and was now bleeding profusely once more.

_She cried angrily, grabbing his jaw gently and pulling his face to meet hers. His eyes hardened and he tore from her grasp violently._

_'Look. You might be able to relinquish some of your glorious popularity but I cannot afford to lose the small amount of people who deign to speak to me, Evans.'_

It had pained him to tell her that, to speak to her in such a way. And it was so far from the truth, for he would have given up the world for her- his only true friend.

_He replied harshly, and reaching inside his robes took out the pendant she had given him as a Christmas present. It was of diamond shape, sparkling with a red light as the blood swam between the crystal walls. He extended his hand for her to take it. Lily took a step backwards, tears running down her face unrestrained now. _

_'Severus. Please, tell me this is not true.'_

_She pleaded sadly, hand outstretched as though longing for him to take it. Snape took the opportunity to slip the pendant to her, nestling it in her palm. _

_'I-it is. Now leave Lily._

_'You- you Slytherin! As soon as I begin to be an inconvenience you just do this-'_

_Her voice broke and a sob escaped her as she cast the pendant at his feet, where it shattered. She turned on her heel and ran from him, weeping loudly. _

The last day they had spoken as friends.

_'Reparo.' Snape hissed. The crystal pieces lighted up and shook for a second before rushing to unite themselves, now smeared with blood on the inside. He pocketed it quietly then rose to his feet and strided through the Hogwarts grounds to the forest. As he entered the canopy of looming dark trees a moan escaped him and after a few more steps he collapsed. _

_Severus began weeping, his breathing ragged as desperate sobs shook him, tears running down his face as he moaned, his face pressed against the dirt._

_'S-sorry...so...sor-rry, Lily.'_

He had returned to the castle hours later, while everyone had been having dinner at the Great Hall. Severus sighed, perhaps his heart had begun to freeze then, after remaining outside as it snowed for such a long while. His tears had started to congeal, his heart to form a protective shell around him. But it was melting now, the sheet of ice around his organ dripping away as the fire of love and friendship rekindled in him again upon these renewed memories.

_SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsS_

_Fifteen-year old Snape swayed in his spot; clutching his head protectively, eyes squeezed tight against the pain as a drop of sweat glistened on his pale forehead. Sibilius lifted the spell._

_'What are you doing?'_

_The man snarled angrily, though he looked unnerved. His eyes betraying the fear and uncertainty, drenched in the mad hatred that burned constantly within him._

_'Occlumency.'_

_Severus sneered triumphantly. _

Yes, no matter what he had endured afterwards, it had been worth it. To see the fear reflected in his father's eyes instead of being subject to it himself.

_The man stepped forward and grabbing the boy by the neck, shook him forcefully and pinned him against the wall. Snape gagged and struggled weakly against his father's powerful hold before the man threw him, nearly missing the shelf of poisons, where the vials were trembling slightly as though moved by an invisible force._

_'Stop it, you filthy slime ball. Legilemens.'_

_The Slytherin's face contorted with pain, his fingers dug into his aching skull. Sibilius released him from the spell once more and advanced towards the smaller figure. His fist knocked against the child's jaw hard._

_'You can't oppose me!'_

_He shouted harshly, kicking him in the ribs. Snape inhaled with difficulty then laughed, his mouth twisted in a mirthless smile._

_'Think again.'_

_Severus said softly before laughing again, even as blood began to flow freely down his face from his broken nose._

_'Are you laughing at me? Crucio!'_

_Snape shrieked as the curse hit him. His elbows, that had been supporting his prone figure, collapsed under him. The poisons behind exploded in a storm of colored liquids and shards of glass. _

He had been so full of a reckless rage then, pushed to the limit as his body joined his mind in agony. He had, without realizing it, performed wandless magic. The Ministry had sent a small warning letter later on, which had, of course, earned him another beating. It had been a disastrous summer. But his father had not attempted Legilemancy with him again. It had been a small conquer, but to him it was a victory he savored even now.

_Sibilius roared in pain as little pieces embedded themselves in his skin. The scream died abruptly in the child's throat as the spell was lifted, but another cry was brought to his lips as he received a few forceful kicks from his father. In a few minutes, Sibilius left the room, blood trickling slightly down his own face and body where the crystal had cut him._

_Snape slumped against the shelf pathetically as he panted for breath, robes soaked with poisons and blood and showered with the shattered vials._

_'I still won Father. I am stronger than you, at least in mind.'_

_He rasped, voice hoarse. A smirk of satisfaction appeared in his face, even as a small trickle of blood ran from his mouth and nose, bruises blossoming painfully all over. He tilted his head back, though the smirk had died to be replaced by a cold expression, and rested it carefully on the wood. The memory hurried by to be replaced by another as blood dripped into the child's hair and he lost consciousness._

_SsSsSsSsSsSsS_

_The sun shone brightly in the azure sky as it slowly began it's descent into the mountains. Casting golden beams into the sparkling lake and making the leaves glow with colors as they danced silently to the forest floor. Snape walked down the grounds towards the Quidditch pitch, shoulders stooped and head bowed. He could hear Antonin Dolohov, the Slytherin Quidditch team captain calling out names from a list, and arrived just in time to hear his own. There weren't all that many candidates for the Seeker position since Bellatrix Black had taken her NEWTs and left Hogwarts the year before. _

Bellatrix had been quite a good Seeker, although she had been growing increasingly more aggressive as James Potter began catching up with her in skills. Now she hardly bothered with Quidditch, as she had found other more appealing interests.

_After about half-a-dozen students Severus stepped forward, someone handed him a broom. _

_He was about to mount it when the broom gave a shudder and lashed out, the fifteen-year old froze and stared at the broom with a frown. He tried to get on it once more when it began bucking, a girl let out a snort and began laughing. A few of the younger Slytherins guffawed loudly. Suddenly the broom gave a bolt, unbalancing Severus and sending him to the floor, then with a whiney it pranced around for a minute before speeding off towards the forest._

_'Oh, Snape, you are absolutely hilarious.'_

_Fredericka Travilla laughed annoyingly, as she swept up on another broom for her own try and Snape stood up._

A year above him, that girl had been a complete idiot, not a trace of brains in her except for dimwitted criticism. She had laughed at him too, Snape recalled, when they had shared a couch in their common room one night. And scowled and done her preferred loud criticism the next day when she was sober enough to remember the encounter. Not that she'd had much to boast of, Severus thought with a smirk.

_'Someone tricked the broomstick.' Dolohov grumbled with a scowl, his eyes narrowed as he spotted a tuft of unruly black hair. Severus followed his eyes, his teeth baring as he discovered James Potter hiding behind one of the stands. He came out with a proud stance and grinning widely._

_'Why hello Snape.'_

Damn the filthy Gryffindor Seeker. After that incident he had not given Quidditch another try, not that he'd ever cared much for it anyway.

_He greeted, with a mock bow to the assembled Slytherins. _

_'How'd you get into our broom shed Potter?'_

_The Slytherin captain asked with a snarl. James just smiled all the more widely._

_'Just a little bit of magic over here, stealth and brains over there.'_

Potter had at least received a couple of night's detentions for sneaking in and manipulating one of the brooms.

_'Furnunculus!'_

_Snape shouted finally, a jet of light issued from his wand and hit the Gryffindor at unawares in the stomach. James doubled over as boils began erupting all over his face and hands._

_'Petrificus Totalus!'_

_Potter bellowed, a boil near his lip exploding as he opened his mouth._

_'Protego.'_

_Severus hissed and the spell reflected, avoiding hitting James only as he ducked rapidly. He was about to raise his wand once more when a giant hand was placed on the Slytherin's shoulder. _

_'Wha's going on 'ere? Break it up you two.'_

_Hagrid pacified loudly, looking puzzled as Snape wiggled from under his grasp. He cast a look at James, his beard twitching._

_'Ye better go to the 'ospital Wing James. And you, 'Everus isn't it, yer comin' with me.'_

_Snape glared at him. The other Slytherins raised their eyebrows, a fellow looking apprehensive, some simply curious. Hagrid turned around and began trudging down to his hut, Severus followed him hesitantly, still scowling. As they reached the wooden house Rubeous waved a hand for the boy to come in._

_'Sit down boy, I'm not gonna eat ya.'_

_He chuckled as he busied himself with tea, and poured two big mugs of boiling water before adding the tea bags. Snape sat down finally, eyeing the half-giant suspiciously._

_'I saw wha' happened over there, 'ere from me hut. Tha' wasn't very nice o' James.'_

_He said quietly, beetle eyes crinkled in a friendly way as he surveyed the greasy-haired boy. Severus stared at him, then lowered his eyes, then looked up at him again and nodded._

_'No, it wasn't.' he acknowledged quietly._

_'Yeh want some fruitcake?'_

_'Alright, thank you.'_

The tight lines around Severus' mouth smoothed slightly as he remembered how he had discovered afterwards that fruitcake was one of the few edible things Hagrid ever provided, along with remarkable doughy donuts.

_Snape responded awkwardly, taking a sip of his tea._

_'So how ye doin' with classes? Got yer OWLs this year, don't ye?'_

_They talked for a while, though it was obvious by the boy's guarded demeanor that he was still slightly suspicious and wary of the Gamekeeper. The sun was setting when the Slytherin departed._

_'I liked talkin' with yeh, Severus. Come down to me hut for tea once in a while, will yeh?'_

_Hagrid said as he held the door open for the boy. Severus nodded and smiled slightly._

_'Well, yes, I will. Thank you Hagrid.'_

Yes, Hagrid had been fair and actually quite nice to him. And he had indeed, since that day, gone down to his hut every once in a while to talk with the half-giant.

_SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSs_

_'Hey Snape! Wake up!'_

_Severus' eyelids fluttered slightly before he groaned and rolled to a side, hair flopping over his face. Mcnair prodded him again while Rosiers watched from the other side with a smirk. The sleeping boy finally opened his eyes, blinked several times and raised himself up on an elbow whilst glaring at the other Slytherin._

_'What kind of rude awakening is this?'_

_He drawled. Shaking his head to remove the hair from his face. _

_'It's Christmas you idiot. You're usually awake by dawn anyway.'_

_Rosiers answered clambering onto Snape's bed as he unwrapped a large present._

_'I couldn't sleep last night.'_

The rough beginnings of the insomnia that had been purging him for years. Though he had learned to contend with it by now. Snape frowned slightly, he could not recall that last time he had slept, it seemed so long and yet it could not be more than a day or two...

_He excused himself. Avery smirked as Evan's pack of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans slipped from his grasp and tumbled open in a multicolored sea._

_'Ah, really Evan. Look at my bed.'_

_Snape complained as he disentangled himself from the sheets and slid to the floor next to his small pile of presents. There were a couple of books from his Slytherin acquaintances, a box of chocolate frogs from Hagrid and a very small package with no card. He inspected it closely. It was hardly the size of a his hand, a simple box wrapped in white paper. While Mcnair and Rosier were fishing for beans, he unwrapped it carefully and opened the small box. A silver Slytherin serpent with emerald eyes glared at him in between white cotton. Snape swallowed, his breathing quickening as he stared at the present and saw a small red bean inside. _

He'd never eaten the bean but had kept it carefully guarded. He had lost it a few years ago though- as he had lost himself too. Although he had sent the present back that very afternoon, along with a gift of his own. A golden Gryffindor lion with ruby eyes, accompanied by a greenish black bean. He had also charmed the Slytherin serpent she had sent him to appear as though it were bleeding, the lion's claws piercing through the flesh. It was the last year they had interchanged Christmas presents.

_'Lily.'_

_He whispered softly. _

_'Severus why're you crying?'_

_Avery asked with a slightly disgusted air when he noticed a few tears that had strayed down the boy's face. Snape took a deep breath and closing the lid deposited the present in one of his bedside drawers._

_'It's the beans, I'm allergic to them.'_

_He lied sneering. Evan didn't seem to know whether he was joking or not and simply eyed him with a slight frown._

_'So did you like my present Evan? Avery?'_

_Severus asked, subtly changing the subject._

_SsSsSsSsSsSsSs_

_'All right, Snivellus?' _

_Snape whirled around as he heard James' voice calling loudly. He dropped his bag and had his wand halfway into the air when it flew from his hand and landed with a soft noise in the grass behind him. He was diving for his wand when Black's spell hit him, knocking him off his feet. He lay panting on the ground, fighting against the invisible force tying him down. _

Oh, yes. A true Gryffindor, never brave enough to fight on his own.

_'How'd the exam go, Snivelly?'_

_James asked mockingly._

_'I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment. There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word.'_

_Sirius responded viciously, earning a couple of laughs from the crowd that had begun edging forward to watch the encounter. _

_'You- wait.' the Slytherin panted, glaring at Potter with hatred, ' you- wait!'_

_'Wait for what? What're you doing to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?'_

_Snape let out a stream of curses and swear words at Black's cold words, before James' pink soap bubbles rendered him speechless, nearly choking him._

_'Leave him ALONE!'_

She had not been able to resist it seemed, after their years of friendship to see him attacked in such a way. Fortunately, most had simply thought the girl had too good a heart to bear someone being treated like that. Of course, no one could imagine Lily would ever befriend that slimy, greasy git of Snape. And perhaps it would have been better, easier, if they had been right.

_Lily shouted finally, having left the lake's edge. Severus began inching towards his falling wand, spitting out the soap suds as he crawled while the two Gryffindors argued._

_'OI!'_

_Sirius alerted suddenly, but too late. Snape pointed his wand at James and slashed it across the air, with a jet of light a large gash appeared on the boy's face, spattering his robes with blood. _

Really quite a pitiful spell compared to the ones he was accustomed to using now. He could think of so many different curses to use on Potter.

_A moment later Snape was hanging upside down in the air. Many of the people watching cheered as the Marauders roared with laughter._

_'Let him down.'_

_Lily ordered, James complied bringing the Slytherin down in a crumpled heap as he fell. He disentangled himself from his robes, wand poised, then keeled over as Sirius cast a petrification spell on him._

_'LEAVE HIM ALONE!'_

_The green-eyed girl repeated angrily, taking her wand out. James sighed and muttered the counter curse after a short dialogue with Lily. Snape struggled to his feet._

_'There you go,' James said, 'You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus-'_

_'I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!'_

It was the only way. She would suffer less if she hated him anyway, wouldn't she? The perfect couple, James and Lily, united by a common enemy.

_Snape spat nastily. Lily blinked in surprise._

_'Fine. I won't bother in the future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus.'_

Oh Lily... Snape sighed.

_She said coldly while Severus glared at her. Snape straightened up, arranging his robes around him as Lily and James argued, his wand ready to attack. Potter turned back as the girl left, looking furious, and before Snape could act he was once more hanging upside down in the air._

_'Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?'_

_James announced loudly, walking forward and eyeing Snape's clothes as though analyzing a dissected animal. _

_'You won't live to see the next sun rise if you do that Potter.'_

_Severus threatened quietly through the robes covering his face. The Gryffindor laughed and pulled the pant's waistband, letting it fall again with a snap. The students around clapped and laughed happily._

Severus gulped, feeling nauseous. He owed a Life Debt to that bastard. He owed his miserable, worthless life to one of the men he hated most. Yet another cruel twist of Fate as She turns the corkscrews, piercing your skin and stretching until you break if you are unlucky enough to be one of her favorite victims.

_'Damn. Prongs, Mcgonagall's coming!'_

_Sirius shouted hurriedly suddenly, as, indeed, the Transfiguration professor strided towards them with an angry frown._

_'Lucky Snivelly.'_

_James whispered and jerking his wand up made Snape crumble to the floor once more. The other students left quickly, leaving Severus alone entangled in robes. _

_'Mr. Snape, what has been going on here? Are you quite alright?'_

_The Animagus asked upon reaching him, frowning slightly above her glasses. Snape pulled himself to his feet and glared at her angrily._

_'Nothing. Nothing at all. I'm fine.'_

_He snarled at her and lunging for his wand and bag ran off to the castle, hearing Mcgonagall snapping 'Five points from Slytherin for your disrespect.' as he left. _

He had lost five points. _He _had lost five points when he had only been attacked by those filthy Marauders. Severus snarled at the unfairness and the terrible embarrassment. Rage bubbling in him like a bubbling potion.

_Snape banged into the dungeons, hitting himself against the walls as he cursed under his breath, eyes burning with hatred. He threw his things on the floor and banged his fist into the wall._

_'Freaking bastards. Stupid. Filthy Gryffindors.'_

_He spat, his face contorted with rage as he hit the wall. He whirled around at a soft sound to discover his pillow had exploded, in a rain of feathers. Severus' snarled and collapsed on his bed. _

_'What have I done to them? Idiotic, brainless, dirty...'_

_He muttered, panting for breath as his head throbbed painfully. He let out a choked sob and glared at the wall, fighting back the tears. He closed his eyes tightly but still a few escaped, making a watery trail down his face, still white with rage and embarrassment. _


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: The usual story.

Note: Well, I'm not particularly fond of this chapter. Still, I was flabbergasted by the reviews- infinite thanks! Well, you can imagine what comes in the next chapter---howls. Anyways, hope you enjoy the chapter once again, and be sure the next one will be much more interesting!

* * *

_'Lily.'_

_He greeted her quietly. Snape was completely still, even as he sat on the Hogwart's entrance stairs clothed in nothing but worn robes and a thin cloak which offered nearly no protection against the mounting blizzard. Specks of snow were dancing with the swirling wind, making his voice hardly audible above the violent howling._

_'What's wrong Severus? You've been avoiding me for nearly two weeks!'_

_Lily exclaimed with a frown of concern, shivering as she gathered her cloak around her._

_'I needed to think.'_

_'I've been really worried. Since the ball...'_

_The Slytherin stared at her as her voice died uncertainly, his face completely devoid of emotion. Tears begun to glisten in the girl's eyes mixed with a tinge of fear as she watched her friend's cold countenance._

_'I have decided it would be better i-if- ' he faltered for a moment. His lower lip trembled slightly before he bit it down decisively and continued. ' If we stopped seeing each other.'_

Dumbledore sighed morosely. It seemed the moment of separation he had foreboded had come, the ending of their friendship. It saddened him deeply to see the Gryffindor girl crying in such way; not understanding, not knowing the why of the sudden rejection, the reason for the abrupt upheaval of her life. And it brought a bitter taste to his mouth, when he saw the Slytherin's thin lip tremble hesitantly, before that cold determination took hold of him.

_'You can't mean that.'_

_Lily whispered shakily. Her knuckles white as her grip on her cloak tightened, bunching the cloth between her fingers nervously._

_'It's for the best.'_

_'How can you say that? We're friends.'_

_'You have other friends.'_

_He responded, his gaze settled on the floor between her feet. The Gryffindor took a step forward._

_'But none like you.'_.

He could see the love burning in her eyes, the silent promises of what could be. A real pity it was. And yet, Lily was perfectly content as Mrs. Potter, was she not? Perhaps it had been for the best after all.

_She breathed softly. Her green eyes sad, swimming with tears._

_'Lily- don't- . Forget me.'_

_'No! You can't simply decide to throw our friendship down the drain!'_

_She cried angrily, grabbing his jaw gently and pulling his face to meet hers. His eyes hardened and he tore from her grasp violently._

It brought a small pang, to see Snape's aggressive response. As he knew the reason behind it, the movement must have triggered the same memory he himself had seen moments before. He glanced at the man before him, studying him carefully. He was barely twenty years old, and yet, there were lines of anguish and anger on his face. In what world of illusion did they live, blinded by a fake light while others lurked, forgotten in the shadows.

_'Look. You might be able to relinquish some of your glorious popularity but I cannot afford to lose the small amount of people who deign to speak to me, Evans.'_

_He replied harshly, and reaching inside his robes took out the pendant she had given him as a Christmas present. It was of diamond shape, sparkling with a red light as the blood swam between the crystal walls. _

Albus analyzed the pendant carefully. It was but a purely symbolic object, greatly popular at one time. Although the Ministry had branded it illegal, after several revengeful friends had used the blood to control the other person.

_He extended his hand for her to take it. Lily took a step backwards, tears running down her face unrestrained now. _

_'Severus. Please, tell me this is not true.'_

_She pleaded sadly, hand outstretched as though longing for him to take it. Snape took the opportunity to slip the pendant to her, nestling it in her palm. _

_'I-it is. Now leave Lily._

_'You- you Slytherin! As soon as I begin to be an inconvenience you just do this-'_

_Her voice broke and a sob escaped her as she cast the pendant at his feet, where it shattered. She turned on her heel and ran from him, weeping loudly. _

If only she would have noticed the quiver in his voice... she might have been able to break through and reach out for him. But it was too late, as she ran her tears washed away what remained of their friendship: nothing but broken crystal shards it seemed.

_'Reparo.' Snape hissed. The crystal pieces lighted up and shook for a second before rushing to unite themselves, now smeared with blood on the inside. He pocketed it quietly then rose to his feet and strided through the Hogwarts grounds to the forest. As he entered the canopy of looming dark trees a moan escaped him and after a few more steps he collapsed. _

_Severus began weeping, his breathing ragged as desperate sobs shook him, tears running down his face as he moaned, his face pressed against the dirt._

_'S-sorry...so...sor-rry, Lily.'_

Dumbledore longed to comfort him, for he knew that even though the boy had made the pendant whole one more, their friendship was broken. It would have been painful for all, but even more for this lonely Slytherin who had no other close relationships with his peers. Guilt tore at his entrails, clawing through the ripped pieces playfully as Pity stretched languishly, knowing it was forever settled in his bosom regarding this young man. It brought tears to his eyes too, to see this act of Gryffindor-ish self-sacrifice in a Slytherin, revealing more of his favoritism and prejudice. He wondered if he might have lost less Snakes over to Voldemort had he been less blinded by the golden Gryffindor lion, Guilt taking a large bite.

_SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsS_

_Fifteen-year old Snape swayed in his spot; clutching his head protectively, eyes squeezed tight against the pain as a drop of sweat glistened on his pale forehead. Sibilius lifted the spell._

_'What are you doing?'_

_The man snarled angrily, though he looked unnerved. His eyes betraying the fear and uncertainty, drenched in the mad hatred that burned constantly within him._

_'Occlumency.'_

_Severus sneered triumphantly. _

At that stage of the boy's training, any moderately good Legilemens would probably have been able to force his way through into the child's mind. But it was obvious Sibilius Snape was not a particularly powerful wizard, at least regarding that specific branch of magic, and was not able to break through whatever obstacle the fifteen-year old had managed.

_The man stepped forward and grabbing the boy by the neck, shook him forcefully and pinned him against the wall. Snape gagged and struggled weakly against his father's powerful hold before the man threw him, nearly missing the shelf of poisons, where the vials were trembling slightly as though moved by an invisible force._

Albus breathed slowly through the haze of pain, as Guilt lazily took a few large bites of his insides and Pity writhed, bathing itself in his blood and shrieked within him. A horrible, loud screech that seemed to echo in his ears and resound through his soul, even though he heard it only in his mind.

_'Stop it, you filthy slime ball. Legilemens.'_

_The Slytherin's face contorted with pain, his fingers dug into his aching skull. Sibilius released him from the spell once more and advanced towards the smaller figure. His fist knocked against the child's jaw hard._

_'You can't oppose me!'_

_He shouted harshly, kicking him in the ribs. _

He worried with a slight feeling of dread about the possible effects of prolonged mal-use of the Legilemancy spell on a growing boy. Fortunately, it seemed not have affected him intellectually or in any other way.

_Snape inhaled with difficulty then laughed, his mouth twisted in a mirthless smile._

_'Think again.'_

_Severus said softly before laughing again, even as blood began to flow freely down his face from his broken nose._

_'Are you laughing at me? Crucio!'_

_Snape shrieked as the curse hit him. His elbows, that had been supporting his prone figure, collapsed under him. The poisons behind exploded in a storm of colored liquids and shards of glass. _

Dumbledore gasped in horror. He felt, for a few seconds, as though he had swallowed a goblet-full of Befuddlement Concoction. He could not begin to comprehend how a _father _would dare- would _wish _to submit his child to such pain as the Cruciatus inevitably proportioned. Even after all the horrors he had seen through the years, of mangled corpses at the hands of evil lords and their minions- he could not understand for a father to do that to his own son. He longed to rush and hug the undoubtedly traumatized young man seated before him. And yet, he could do nothing. He could have done it then, years ago. But now it was too late. The explosion, he pondered, was clearly accidental magic provoked by the child's anger and pain.

_Sibilius roared in pain as little pieces embedded themselves in his skin. The scream died abruptly in the child's throat as the spell was lifted, but another cry was brought to his lips as he received a few forceful kicks from his father. In a few minutes, Sibilius left the room, blood trickling slightly down his own face and body where the crystal had cut him._

_Snape slumped against the shelf pathetically as he panted for breath, robes soaked with poisons and blood and showered with the shattered vials._

_'I still won Father. I am stronger than you, at least in mind.'_

_He rasped, voice hoarse. A smirk of satisfaction appeared in his face, even as a small trickle of blood ran from his mouth and nose, bruises blossoming painfully all over. He tilted his head back, though the smirk had died to be replaced by a cold expression, and rested it carefully on the wood. The memory hurried by to be replaced by another as blood dripped into the child's hair and he lost consciousness._

The old man raised a shaking hand to his face, and finally rubbed his left temple wearily. How could he ever dream of healing such hurts? Now he knew all the painful facts, yes, but years too late. Such deep wounds...engraved deep into the soul.

_SsSsSsSsSsSsS_

_The sun shone brightly in the azure sky as it slowly began it's descent into the mountains. Casting golden beams into the sparkling lake and making the leaves glow with colors as they danced silently to the forest floor. Snape walked down the grounds towards the Quidditch pitch, shoulders stooped and head bowed. He could hear Antonin Dolohov, the Slytherin Quidditch team captain calling out names from a list, and arrived just in time to hear his own. There weren't all that many candidates for the Seeker position since Bellatrix Black had taken her NEWTs and left Hogwarts the year before. After about half-a-dozen students Severus stepped forward, someone handed him a broom. _

Dumbledore reasoned quickly that this must have been the year right after Bellatrix Black had left, since she had occupied the Seeker position during the whole of her years at Hogwarts. She had been quite a good player, although James Potter had turned out to be undoubtedly better, managing to steal the Quidditch Cup from Slytherin a short time after joining the Gryffindor team.

_He was about to mount it when the broom gave a shudder and lashed out, the fifteen-year old froze and stared at the broom with a frown. He tried to get on it once more when it began bucking, a girl let out a snort and began laughing. A few of the younger Slytherins guffawed loudly. Suddenly the broom gave a bolt, unbalancing Severus and sending him to the floor, then with a whiney it pranced around for a minute before speeding off towards the forest._

He understood, of course, that seeing it from an outsider's view it could be considered funny. After all, he himself had been somewhat amused by the Marauder's pranks at one time or the other. But he could also imagine the embarrassment of the one submitted to it, the pain resulting from the constant and relentless harassment. Well, he had a clear example before his eyes. Albus shook his head slightly, that was most of the pranksters (and the people who approved of them)'s fault, they failed to understand the feelings of the victim, which usually did not appreciate being the center of the jokes. I've failed in that too, he thought with a sigh.

_'Oh, Snape, you are absolutely hilarious.'_

_Fredericka Travilla laughed annoyingly, as she swept up on another broom for her own try and Snape stood up._

_'Someone tricked the broomstick.' Dolohov grumbled with a scowl, his eyes narrowed as he spotted a tuft of unruly black hair. Severus followed his eyes, his teeth baring as he discovered James Potter hiding behind one of the stands. He came out with a proud stance and grinning widely._

_'Why hello Snape.'_

_He greeted, with a mock bow to the assembled Slytherins. _

_'How'd you get into our broom shed Potter?'_

_The Slytherin captain asked with a snarl. James just smiled all the more widely._

_'Just a little bit of magic over here, stealth and brains over there.'_

_'Furnunculus!'_

_Snape shouted finally, a jet of light issued from his wand and hit the Gryffindor at unawares in the stomach. James doubled over as boils began erupting all over his face and hands._

_'Petrificus Totalus!'_

_Potter bellowed, a boil near his lip exploding as he opened his mouth._

_'Protego.'_

The Staff and Caretaker had long since last count of the times they had caught the three boys dueling in the corridors and classrooms. Both Potter and Black had probably had more detentions than the rest of their year put together, though Severus had not been far off.

_Severus hissed and the spell reflected, avoiding hitting James only as he ducked rapidly. He was about to raise his wand once more when a giant hand was placed on the Slytherin's shoulder. _

_'Wha's going on 'ere? Break it up you two.'_

Yes, Hagrid was a truly great fellow. He hadn't had an easy life himself, struggling to mantain his giant blood secret, expelled even though he was nothing but innocent. Yet he still managed to conserve his cheerful readiness and good heart.

_Hagrid pacified loudly, looking puzzled as Snape wiggled from under his grasp. He cast a look at James, his beard twitching._

_'Ye better go to the 'ospital Wing James. And you, 'Everus isn't it, yer comin' with me.'_

_Snape glared at him. The other Slytherins raised their eyebrows, a fellow looking apprehensive, some simply curious. Hagrid turned around and began trudging down to his hut, Severus followed him hesitantly, still scowling. As they reached the wooden house Rubeous waved a hand for the boy to come in._

_'Sit down boy, I'm not gonna eat ya.'_

_He chuckled as he busied himself with tea, and poured two big mugs of boiling water before adding the tea bags. Snape sat down finally, eyeing the half-giant suspiciously._

_'I saw wha' happened over there, 'ere from me hut. Tha' wasn't very nice o' James.'_

_He said quietly, beetle eyes crinkled in a friendly way as he surveyed the greasy-haired boy. Severus stared at him, then lowered his eyes, then looked up at him again and nodded._

_'No, it wasn't.' he acknowledged just as quietly._

_'Yeh want some fruitcake?'_

_'Alright, thank you.'_

_Snape responded awkwardly, taking a sip of his tea._

_'So how ye doin' with classes? Got yer OWLs this year, don't ye?'_

_They talked for a while, though it was obvious by the boy's guarded demeanor that he was still slightly suspicious and wary of the Gamekeeper. The sun was setting when the Slytherin departed._

_'I liked talkin' with yeh, Severus. Come down to me hut for tea once in a while, will yeh?'_

_Hagrid said as he held the door open for the boy. Severus nodded and smiled slightly._

_'Well, yes, I will. Thank you Hagrid.'_

Albus felt another small surge of pride at Hagrid's attitude, his kindness and lack of prejudice. To have befriended a Slytherin, Severus Snape especially who was mostly despised. He had been able to see what he, the one known as the greatest wizard of the times, had failed to see; that behind that unpleasant exterior and sour attitude there hid a remarkable child. Now that boy had grown into a pitiable young man, lost forever perhaps, for even in the Light for he was cloaked in shadows.

_SsSsSsSsSsSsS_

_'All right, Snivellus?' _

_Snape whirled around as he heard James' voice calling loudly. He dropped his bag and had his wand halfway into the air when it flew from his hand and landed with a soft noise in the grass behind him. He was diving for his wand when Black's spell hit him, knocking him off his feet. He lay panting on the ground, fighting against the invisible force tying him down. _

_'How'd the exam go, Snivelly?'_

_James asked mockingly._

_'I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment. There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word.'_

_Sirius responded viciously, earning a couple of laughs from the crowd that had begun edging forward to watch the encounter. _

It truly was unfair, Dumbledore realized suddenly, that Snape had been obliged to contend alone against the two Gryffindors. He had witnessed an improvised duel between only the two of them in the last memory and could not deny the Slytherin was more than a worthy opponent.

_'You- wait.' the Slytherin panted, glaring at Potter with hatred, ' you- wait!'_

_'Wait for what? What're you doing to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?'_

_Snape let out a stream of curses and swear words at Black's cold words, before James' pink soap bubbles rendered him speechless, nearly choking him._

_'Leave him ALONE!'_

Perhaps nothing but broken glass had remained of their friendship, but the shards seemed to have cut deep- And such profound wounds always left scars.

_Lily shouted finally, having left the lake's edge. Severus began inching towards his falling wand, spitting out the soap suds as he crawled while the two Gryffindors argued._

_'OI!'_

_Sirius alerted suddenly, but too late. Snape pointed his wand at James and slashed it across the air, with a jet of light a large gash appeared on the boy's face, spattering his robes with blood. _

_A moment later Snape was hanging upside down in the air. Many of the people watching cheered as the Marauders roared with laughter._

Albus' nose wrinkled slightly as he frowned deeply, pursing his lips in indignant disgust on Snape's behalf. It was a despicable behavior on James Potter's part, after all, the Slytherin had done nothing to provoke them.

_'Let him down.'_

_Lily ordered, James complied bringing the Slytherin down in a crumpled heap as he fell. He disentangled himself from his robes, wand poised, then keeled over as Sirius cast a petrification spell on him._

_'LEAVE HIM ALONE!'_

_The green-eyed girl repeated angrily, taking her wand out. James sighed and muttered the counter curse after a short dialogue with Lily. Snape struggled to his feet._

_'There you go,' James said, 'You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus-'_

_'I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!'_

_Snape spat nastily. Lily blinked in surprise._

_'Fine. I won't bother in the future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus.'_

He winced at the acid words the two students interchanged; infected cuts it appeared, leaking with pus and blood.

_She said coldly while Severus glared at her. Snape straightened up, arranging his robes around him as Lily and James argued, his wand ready to attack. Potter turned back as the girl left, looking furious, and before Snape could act he was once more hanging upside down in the air._

_'Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?'_

Dumbledore's eyes widened. He wouldn't?

_James announced loudly, walking forward and eyeing Snape's clothes as though analyzing a dissected animal. _

_'You won't live to see the next sun rise if you do that Potter.'_

_Severus threatened quietly through the robes covering his face. The Gryffindor laughed and pulled the pant's waistband, letting it fall again with a snap. The students around clapped and laughed happily._

_'Damn. Prongs, Mcgonagall's coming!'_

The old man could not help but sighing in relief at the lucky stroke. He did not think the boy's pride would have been able to bear it. It was already more than abused, but that probably would have been the last drop that spilt the potion.

_Sirius shouted hurriedly suddenly, as, indeed, the Transfiguration professor strided towards them with an angry frown._

_'Lucky Snivelly.'_

_James whispered and jerking his wand up made Snape crumble to the floor once more. The other students left quickly, leaving Severus alone entangled in robes. _

_'Mr. Snape, what has been going on here? Are you quite alright?'_

_The Animagus asked upon reaching him, frowning slightly above her glasses. Snape pulled himself to his feet and glared at her angrily._

_'Nothing. Nothing at all. I'm fine.'_

_He snarled at her and lunging for his wand and bag ran off to the castle, hearing Mcgonagall snapping 'Five points from Slytherin for your disrespect.' as he left. _

He looked up and saw Snape was trembling with rage, a vein ticking rapidly in his jaw. His breathing was quick and shallow, lips parted slightly and glistening with drying blood where he had bit it earlier. He was not surprised at his rage, for he had been but an unwary victim of the two pranksters and yet it had been Slytherin the one to lose points.

_Snape banged into the dungeons, hitting himself against the walls as he cursed under his breath, eyes burning with hatred. He threw his things on the floor and banged his fist into the wall._

_'Freaking bastards. Stupid. Filthy Gryffindors.'_

_He spat, his face contorted with rage as he hit the wall. He whirled around at a soft sound to discover his pillow had exploded in a rain of feathers. Severus' snarled and collapsed on his bed. _

Dumbledore noted, with a mixture of amusement and dread that Snape had seemed to have a predilection for making objects around him explode. It was, in truth, a worrying thing that he should suffer some much anger and pain to bring his wandless magic to that extreme.

_'What have I done to them? Idiotic, brainless, dirty...'_

_He muttered, panting for breath as his head throbbed painfully. He let out a choked sob and glared at the wall, fighting back the tears. He closed his eyes tightly but still a few escaped, making a watery trail down his face, still white with rage and embarrassment. _

He stared mutely at the young man, Pity squirming unpleasantly in his chest. He watched with a tingle of regret as the memory ended swiftly, for he was not sure he wished to see the ones that were sure to come next. He had committed, he saw now (too late unfortunately), countless errors... but he feared this one would perhaps be his greatest.


	13. Chapter 13

_Disclaimer: Silver leaves and golden boughs_

_ Sweet water and hair-string bows,_

_ 'Lady Galadriel!' _

_ Call the graceful Eldar in their olden tongue_

_ 'Thy mirrored glass and starlit eyes,_

_ fair is thy face, and soft thy voice,_

_ Queen of Lothlorien.'_

_ Swift run the waters, whisper the trees,_

_ loud scream the orcs and the darkness leaps,_

_ through the planes and fast as breath,_

_ sails the ship: the silver key_

_ to Havens Grey beyond the moonlit sea._

Note: Well, I did my very best. Thanks for the reviews! Delicious pastries. Anyways, please tell me what you thought: too fluffy? too hard? brilliant? or dark? I'm feeling poetic, though I can't rhyme correctly. Oh well. Enjoy!

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_Snape skirted the edge of the forest silently, the bright full moon casting pale lights on his figure. He held his wand high before him, his eyes narrowed as they pierced the night's gloom. He swallowed nervously, though his eyes glittered with excitement and a twisted smile of anticipation played on his face. He stopped abruptly, licking his thin lips and watched the Whomping Willow as it's thick branches swayed ominously in the cool breeze. _

Severus shook his head slightly, the angry pounding in his head growing and reaching nearly unbearable peaks. He had been so anxious then, longing to finally catch them in one of their surely illegal activities and rid himself of their constant harassment. But he had unwittingly fallen into one of their own tramps once more. Made a fool of again.

_The seventeen year old bent down and picking a long branch from the floor took a step forward. Instantly, a large bough swung towards him making him duck quickly as he darted towards the knot. A thin branch whipped through the air and slashed him right above the eyebrow, he hastily wiped the trickle of blood with the back of his hand as he prodded the knot and the tree froze. _

_The Slytherin stole in after a moment's hesitation and slid down into the dark passage. His skin seemed to shine white in the darkness as he strode down the path, black eyes darting around attentively. A door loomed in the distance and the boy quickened his strides, greasy hair flopping in and out of his eyes. A low grumbling echoed dimly, Snape frowned lightly, a flicker of doubt shining in his eyes. He stood still for a few moments, and silence fell like a heavy blanket._

He wished somehow, to have heeded that foreboding sound. But his thirst for revenge had been too great- to make them pay for their years of unceasing torment.

_Severus gulped and a took a deep breath, before his face acquired once more it's usual glower and he opened the door._

_All color drained from his face, and the black eyes widened as the lips thinned and every muscle tensed. A werewolf lay on the floor before the door, nibbling on one of it's own paws. Amber eyes shot up as the wooden door creaked open. He inspected the human carefully, then abandoned it's paw and scrambled to his feet, a wild lust shining in his eyes. Snape took a step back, his wand clattering to the floor as his hands clenched and unclenched spasmodically, eyes still wide and hardly breathing._

His wand had been lost that night... his very first wand. The werewolf had returned it a few days later, when he was back in his human form, but it had been gnawed to the very core by the filthy beast, rendering it useless.

_The werewolf bared it's teeth and growled as it inched forward, shaking the dust from his dense, gray hair. The Slytherin took a shuddering gasp, his breathing quickening until he was hyperventilating, he took another step backwards. Thick, muscled legs bent slightly before the wolf lunged, with a snarl, it's sharp fangs bared. Severus turned on his heel and ran off, robes billowing behind him. _

_His face was contorted in dread and despair as he ran, the wolf right behind him, tongue hanging out lazily. _

_'Expelliarmus!'_

Potter. The Gryffindor, arrogant, conceited bastard. He owed his life to him. How he wished the werewolf had finished him off then, ended his life before he plunged head-first into the abyss of darkness that had nearly overflowed the well of misery he had been drowning in since his birth.

_A voice bellowed suddenly from amidst the darkness, throwing the animal against the tunnel's wall. It hit it with a dull thud and slid to the floor, then leapt to his feet and continued trotting after the Slytherin. As the boy turned his head to look back the wolf pounced, it's sharp claws ripping the cloth and digging into his shoulders as it's heavy weight knocked against his sides, leaving him breathless as he crumbled to the floor. The canine snarled, it's damp breath on his jaw as it licked it's chomps. _

_'Stupefy!'_

_The wolf yelped and keeled to a side, though it's eyes remained open, yellowish amber glowing through narrowed slits. _

Those wild, shining golden orbs that had haunted him for years... Now, they were tinged with the blood of the innocent and the fires of hell.

_Snape remained on the floor, white as marble, cold sweat running down his face as blood seeped through his robes where the claws had cut into the skin. James Potter ran into sight, his wand still poised before him. He frowned, a slightly wild look in his eyes as he caught sight of the prone Slytherin. _

_'Come on Snape, the spell won't last for long.'_

_He muttered. The black-eyed boy stared at the dark ceiling, his eyes still wide but somewhat vacant. The Gryffindor shook him impatiently._

_'Move!'_

_He shouted angrily, as the wolf began stirring. Severus remained immobile, his breathing quick and shallow. _

_'Impedimenta.'_

_James said, his wand pointed at the furry creature, which was once more knocked over. Mopping his messy hair out of his face, Potter shook Snape roughly again, but to no avail. _

_'Mobilicorpus.'_

Why did you save me Potter? Snape asked himself frustratingly.

_He spelled finally, and began walking hurriedly, Snape's body floating beside him. He heard a low growl and quickened his paces. He dragged the Slytherin out of the Whomping Willow and out into the grass before the tree, getting a few small cuts himself as he fought to avoid the attacking branches. He slumped down next to Snape, who was still in the same position he had left him, tingeing the grass blades red with blood. James frowned in desperate concern and crawled to him. _

_'Snape.'_

_Potter called loudly. Suddenly a dull trotting sound could be heard through the woods, James raised his head and saw Sirius Black running towards him. He was grinning slightly, though his smile became somewhat fixed as he noticed the messy-haired boy's expression of suppressed rage and confusion._

_'What were you playing at Sirius?'_

_He asked angrily. Black frowned at him blankly, his mouth still twisted in a half-smile._

_'What? That filthy Slytherin deserved it. Always sneaking around trying to find out what we're up to.'_

_'Moony almost **bit **him, Padfoot! Are you stupid!'_

_'What's wrong with you Prongs, defending Snape?'_

_Sirius replied with a bark-like laugh. James frowned, his hazel eyes flashing._

_'He's bleeding... You've gone way too far Sirius. I hate him too, but he could have died!'_

_The Gryffindor said, pointing at the still silent and unmoving Slytherin. The long-haired boy stared at Snape contemptuously, his happy smile fading slightly, although there was a grim sort of satisfaction on his handsome face._

_'As if you cared James, as if anyone did anyway.'_

True. Such bitter truth. He should have died. Spared from all the suffering he had endured and had yet to face, saving those people whose lives he had taken... an the two hateful Gryffindors would have been expelled. Yes, a much better fortune than the one that had awaited him.

_'What the hell is wrong with you Sirius? We would have been expelled too, are you aware of it?'_

The answer behind the golden mask of lion, the taken for granted Gryffindor nobility.

_James asked incredulously, then turned away from his friend, shaking his head and shook the Slytherin roughly. Severus blinked slowly._

_'Snape, can you hear me? Snap out of it, damn!'_

_Black eyes narrowed before he sat up abruptly, Potter backing away in alarm. Like glowing embers burning with hatred Severus' eyes roved around him, glaring at both the Gryffindors._

_'You bastards!' he snarled suddenly, ' You tried to kill me. You and that filthy beast.'_

_The bespectacled boy's eyebrows raised in surprise and Sirius simply smiled unpleasantly. All three heads turned as they heard quick footsteps, four shadowy forms coming towards them. As they ran under the moonlight, they distinguished Dumbledore's shining silver beard, Mcgonagall's pointy hat and Giftiger's dark wooden cane the man always carried around._

_James stood up next to Sirius, giving him a small pat in the arm in a conciliatory manner. Snape was still sprawled on the floor, half-sitting resting on his shaking, thin arms. Dumbledore was the first to reach them, his eyes were glittering strangely in the moonlight. He seemed to be torn between anger and concern as he surveyed each of them with his penetrating blue stare. The Transfiguration professor arrived, panting slightly. She was very white, her lips stretched thin in anger and nostrils flaring in a foreboding manner. The fourth figure that had remained in shadows turned out to be Madam Pomfrey, whose eyes were already darting from one to the other inspecting them closely. She gasped and rushed when she saw Severus' robes tinged red. She took out her wand and tried to pull off his robes to see the injuries, Snape pushed her away impatiently and scrambled to his feet, still swaying._

_Professor Giftiger arrived last, walking leisurely and swinging his cane. He cast an indifferent glance around and raised a questioning eyebrow._

The Head of Slytherin House had been quite the model Slytherin, caring for nothing more than for his own pleasure and well-being and those that might contribute to aid him in his self-centered goals.He had not been one of those people.

_'What has happened here?'_

_The Headmaster asked calmly in his deep voice. _

_'Those two and the-the filthy werewolf creature tried to kill me!'_

_Severus shouted angrily as he took a step forward. Dumbledore raised a wrinkled hand. _

_'This is no place to discuss these matters, follow me all of you.'_

_He ordered quietly and turning began walking towards the castle. Madam Pomfrey ran after him,_

_'The boy's injured Headmaster, he should go to the Hospital Wing!'_

_She cried out irritably. Albus stopped and cast a worried glance at the Slytherin._

_'Mr. Lupin did not bite you, did he?'_

The only thing that had worried him naturally. If Lupin had bit him it would have inevitably brought a great amount of problems on all of them, mostly on himself and Hogwarts.

_He asked, his voice shaking slightly. Snape shook his head, a snarl disfiguring his face quite and ugly way._

_'No. But he was close to it.'_

_The matron went towards him and tapped him with her wand in the shoulders. Snape sprung away from her, but not before a dim white light settled around the wounds and scarred them quickly, stopping the bleeding. _

_'You'll have to visit the Hospital Wing after you talk with the Headmaster though.'_

_She warned and Dumbledore agreed with a nod, turning back again towards his office. Madam Pomfrey left them as they reached the stone gargoyle guarding the headmaster's quarters as it opened after he proportioned the password. All were quiet as they ascended the roving staircase and took seats before the desk, Mcgonagall remained standing and Giftiger wandered to the window. _

_'Mr. Potter, tell me your version of the events please.'_

_Dumbledore asked politely, leaning forward in his chair and entwining his fingers to rest his chin on them. James glanced at Sirius anxiously and then at the now smirking Snape, who seemed to be savoring glory._

Tricked. Fooled. Betrayed? No, not really, he had never had Dumbledore's favor anyways. More likely disillusioned, the final thread pulled abruptly, crumbling the veil of perfection that covered the Headmaster.

_'Well, sir. The thing is like this, erm, Snape...mmm.. heard someone,' he cast another fruitlessly subtle peek at his friend,' talking about how to make the Whomping Willow freeze. He, erm, got in and met Remus there sir, and then... well, Moony tried to attack him, and fortunately erm, I had heard that he was there and helped him out.'_

_He explained lamely and hesitantly. Dumbledore stared hard at him, then at Sirius for almost a whole minute and finally at Snape. _

_'I am very disappointed in all of you. This was a highly dangerous prank and very disrespectful towards Remus Lupin. Fifty points will be extracted from Gryffindor house, 'he turned to look at Mcgonagall who nodded vehemently in agreement, ' and you Mr. Black will be serving detention for a month, as will you Mr. Potter for a week.'_

At least he had learnt his value that night. Fifty points from Gryffindor, that was all he was worth. He had suspected it of course, from his father's snide remarks and stinging words... but Dumbledore had confirmed it, had he not? He was nothing but a slimy Slytherin, a greasy git. And snakes were but worms to the giant dazzling lions. And now, what was he now? A murderer. A traitor. And alone. Alone, isolated from all as he hid behind that cloak of darkness he wore and the mask of impassiveness behind which he raged and grieved in silence.

_His blue eyes turned to Severus, who was gazing at him incredulously, a shadow of a smirk in his face._

_'I am sure I did not hear correctly, surely the three of them will be expelled?'_

_He asked, eyes flashing angrily, his breathing quickening. Albus shook his head slightly._

_'No Mr. Snape, I hardly believe expelling will help in any way. As to you, thirty points from Slytherin for meandering around after curfew.'_

_The Slytherin's crooked, yellowish teeth were visible as he stared at Dumbledore agape, then he closed it, appearing to have just swallowed a very sour lemon._

_'They tried to kill me, and you are going to let them leave without punishment?'_

_He shrieked, looking quite deranged. Dumbledore frowned at him._

_'I hardly think there was any real intent to end your life, Mr. Snape, and Mr. Potter **did **save it. And they **are** being punished.'_

Of course, he seemed to say, what more can you expect? They were Gryffindors and the courageous Potter saved your life, risking his own. They have had more than enough punishment for endangering Hogwart's reputation.

_Severus stared at him, panting. His nose wrinkled, mouth twisted in an ugly snarl. He turned got to his feet and made for the door._

_'One more thing Severus.'_

_The Slytherin turned his head, hand on the doorknob. Dumbledore untangled his hands and looked at him seriously. _

_'You are not to reveal Mr. Lupin's condition to anyone.'_

_The raven-haired boy raised an eyebrow, his eyes suddenly gone quiet cold, his face impassive once more._

_'What if it should slip?'_

_He asked nastily._

_'Then I am afraid you will be facing expulsion from this school.'_

Potter and Black had not been expelled for attempting to murder him, nor had that creature passing by the name of Remus Lupin, and yet he had been threatened with expulsion. Well, he was nothing compared to the Marauders. He was more than expendable, a simply toy for them to play with until it broke and then to be thrown away. And he was diving into the same cold waters. A spy. For how long? Until he was used up and could no longer serve. Forever bound to an invisible chain hung around his neck: choking him, strangling him. Prisoner and slave until one of his owners pulled two hard and then- then he was dead.

_A fire of anger flared up in the black coals, his face looking quite livid. He shook his head and tore from the room, banging the door behind him. His robes were billowing behind him as he swept through the corridors, his lips still twisted angrily. He leapt up the stairs, a stream of curses and insults trickling out of his mouth. He reached the Astronomy Tower and stepped outside, the wind whipping the cloth around his thin figure. He walked to the edge and stared at the blackened abyss before him. Chest heaving he knelt on the floor and buried his face between his knees, trembling. _


	14. Chapter 14

_Disclaimer: I won't bore you with my unrhyming poetry again..._

_Note: _Well, here go Dumbledore's thoughts. Hope you enjoy them... See you in the next chapter! Thanks for all the reviews, they are inmensely appreciated! _  
_

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_Snape skirted the edge of the forest silently, the bright full moon casting pale lights on his figure. He held his wand high before him, his eyes narrowed as they pierced the night's gloom. He swallowed nervously, though his eyes glittered with excitement and a twisted smile of anticipation played on his face. He stopped abruptly, licking his thin lips and watched the Whomping Willow as it's thick branches swayed ominously in the cool breeze. _

_The seventeen year old bent down and picking a long branch from the floor took a step forward. Instantly, a large bough swung towards him making him duck quickly as he darted towards the knot. A thin branch whipped through the air and slashed him right above the eyebrow, he hastily wiped the trickle of blood with the back of his hand as he prodded the knot and the tree froze. _

Dumbledore gazed upon the scene intently, recognizing the slightly sick glee shining in Snape's black eyes as he inched forward, undoubtedly eager to catch the Marauders, his tormentors, in some unruly behavior. It made sense, he reasoned, that he should somehow seek revenge for their ceaseless harassment- (which he attempted to return, though, being one against four he was nearly always on the losing side), even if revenge sometimes turned out more bitter than sweet.

_The Slytherin stole in after a moment's hesitation and slid down into the dark passage. His skin seemed to shine white in the darkness as he strode down the path, black eyes darting around attentively. A door loomed in the distance and the boy quickened his strides, greasy hair flopping in and out of his eyes. A low grumbling echoed dimly, Snape frowned lightly, a flicker of doubt shining in his eyes. He stood still for a few moments, and silence fell like a heavy blanket._

_Severus gulped and a took a deep breath, before his face acquired once more it's usual glower and he opened the door._

He wondered for a moment how the door happened to be unlocked when Poppy was supposed to have left it closed after leading Remus into the Shrieking Shack. He frowned slightly in confusion and then let the thought drift away as he concentrated on the young Slytherin's worrying reaction.

_All color drained from his face, and the black eyes widened as the lips thinned and every muscle tensed. A werewolf lay on the floor before the door, nibbling on one of it's own paws. Amber eyes shot up as the wooden door creaked open. He inspected the human carefully, then abandoned it's paw and scrambled to his feet, a wild lust shining in his eyes. Snape took a step back, his wand clattering to the floor as his hands clenched and unclenched spasmodically, eyes still wide and hardly breathing._

Albus shook his head slightly, he should have expected this. Of course, Snape had been hardly a child anymore ( Had he ever? Dumbledore asked himself now ) and yet it would bring anyone to hysterics to encounter a werewolf so suddenly.

_The werewolf bared it's teeth and growled as it inched forward, shaking the dust from his dense, gray hair. The Slytherin took a shuddering gasp, his breathing quickening until he was hyperventilating, he took another step backwards. Thick, muscled legs bent slightly before the wolf lunged, with a snarl, it's sharp fangs bared. Severus turned on his heel and ran off, robes billowing behind him. _

_His face was contorted in dread and despair as he ran, the wolf right behind him, tongue hanging out lazily. _

The old man found himself suddenly sitting on the edge of his chair as he watched Remus Lupin pursuing Snape with an almost playful expression on his canine face, it seemed as though he were pretending to let the Slytherin, his prey, escape before finally pouncing and acquiring his dinner.

_'Expelliarmus!'_

_A voice bellowed suddenly from amidst the darkness, throwing the animal against the tunnel's wall. It hit it with a dull thud and slid to the floor, then leapt to his feet and continued trotting after the Slytherin. _

Werewolf's, alike to trolls and giants showed great resilience to most spells and were quite difficult to effectively bring down. Unless using silver, in this case.

_As the boy turned his head to look back the wolf pounced, it's sharp claws ripping the cloth and digging into his shoulders as it's heavy weight knocked against his sides, leaving him breathless as he crumbled to the floor. The canine snarled, it's damp breath on his jaw as it licked it's chomps. _

Dumbledore fancied he could almost hear the child's frantic heart beat above the harsh, loud pants of the canine

_'Stupefy!'_

_The wolf yelped and keeled to a side, though it's eyes remained open, yellowish amber glowing through narrowed slits. _

_Snape remained on the floor, white as marble, cold sweat running down his face as blood seeped through his robes where the claws had cut into the skin. James Potter ran into sight, his wand still poised before him. He frowned, a slightly wild look in his eyes as he caught sight of the prone Slytherin. _

_'Come on Snape, the spell won't last for long.'_

He had been so worried to avoid Remus Lupin any problems- and, yes, he recognized, so completely shaken that something like that had managed to happen; that he had not paid the necessary attention to the other boy, of course, he should have never left the school so late. But it was clear, now that he saw it without his mind straining for a quick, fair solution- it was painfully obvious that Severus Snape had been in quite a keen state of shock.

_He muttered. The black-eyed boy stared at the dark ceiling, his eyes still wide but somewhat vacant. The Gryffindor shook him impatiently._

_'Move!'_

_He shouted angrily, as the wolf began stirring. Severus remained immobile, his breathing quick and shallow. _

_'Impedimenta.'_

_James said, his wand pointed at the furry creature, which was once more knocked over. Mopping his messy hair out of his face, Potter shook Snape roughly again, but to no avail. _

_'Mobilicorpus.'_

_He spelled finally, and began walking hurriedly, Snape's body floating beside him. He heard a low growl and quickened his paces. He dragged the Slytherin out of the Whomping Willow and out into the grass before the tree, getting a few small cuts himself as he fought to avoid the attacking branches. He slumped down next to Snape, who was still in the same position he had left him, tingeing the grass blades red with blood. James frowned in desperate concern and crawled to him. _

_'Snape.'_

_Potter called loudly. Suddenly a dull trotting sound could be heard through the woods, James raised his head and saw Sirius Black running towards him. He was grinning slightly, though his smile became somewhat fixed as he noticed the messy-haired boy's expression of suppressed rage and confusion._

It was no surprise, seeing as he had just risked his life and future education for Mr. Black's thoughtless and dangerous prank.

_'What were you playing at Sirius?'_

_He asked angrily. Black frowned at him blankly, his mouth still twisted in a half-smile._

_'What? That filthy Slytherin deserved it. Always sneaking around trying to find out what we're up to.'_

_'Moony almost **bit **him, Padfoot! Are you stupid!'_

_'What's wrong with you Prongs, defending Snape?'_

_Sirius replied with a bark-like laugh. James frowned, his hazel eyes flashing._

_'He's bleeding... You've gone way too far Sirius. I hate him too, but he could have died!'_

_The Gryffindor said, pointing at the still silent and unmoving Slytherin. The long-haired boy stared at Snape contemptuously, his happy smile fading slightly, although there was a grim sort of satisfaction on his handsome face._

_'As if you cared James, as if anyone did anyway.'_

So cruel... Dumbledore thought with a sad sigh. Though the worst was the fact that the truth was probably very near Sirius' remark. Snape had been most unpopular amongst his peers, and the few Slytherins he now saw had any contact with the greasy-haired boy did not seem exceptionally close. Perhaps Miss Evans... but it had been more than two years at that point since they had ceased being friends. His father would certainly not care, except perhaps as the loss of someone to torture. His chest seemed to ache constantly as Pity writhed unstopping, bathing in the blood flowing from the wounds created by Guilt and Horror.

_'What the hell is wrong with you Sirius? We would have been expelled too, are you aware of it?'_

_James asked incredulously, then turned away from his friend, shaking his head and shook the Slytherin roughly. Severus blinked slowly._

_'Snape, can you hear me? Snap out of it, damn!'_

_Black eyes narrowed before he sat up abruptly, Potter backing away in alarm. Like glowing embers burning with hatred Severus' eyes roved around him, glaring at both the Gryffindors._

_'You bastards!' he snarled suddenly, ' You tried to kill me. You and that filthy beast.'_

He understood the reaction, it was natural, and even the more so in a person like Snape.

_The bespectacled boy's eyebrows raised in surprise and Sirius simply smiled unpleasantly. All three heads turned as they heard quick footsteps, four shadowy forms coming towards them. As they ran under the moonlight, they distinguished Dumbledore's shining silver beard, Mcgonagall's pointy hat and Giftiger's dark wooden cane the man always carried around._

_James stood up next to Sirius, giving him a small pat in the arm in a conciliatory manner. Snape was still sprawled on the floor, half-sitting resting on his shaking, thin arms. Dumbledore was the first to reach them, his eyes were glittering strangely in the moonlight. He seemed to be torn between anger and concern as he surveyed each of them with his penetrating blue stare. _

Dumbledore noticed the expression in his own eyes, and that more than anything seemed to him to confirm his suspicions; that he had been far too shaken that such an incident had occurred. Much too shaken to properly set up his Occlumency barriers, to realize the things happening around him at the moment. He felt Guilt tugging at his entrails and wondered how he would be able to swallow food again once this was over. Of course, he knew that Snape's decisions had not been his fault- but it was his passive ignorance and lack of attention that had complicated things needlessly. The fact that he could have avoided many of the situations that had twisted the boy's life so horribly was what was truly consuming him inside.

_The Transfiguration professor arrived, panting slightly. She was very white, her lips stretched thin in anger and nostrils flaring in a foreboding manner. The fourth figure that had remained in shadows turned out to be Madam Pomfrey, whose eyes were already darting from one to the other inspecting them closely. She gasped and rushed when she saw Severus' robes tinged red. She took out her wand and tried to pull off his robes to see the injuries, Snape pushed her away impatiently and scrambled to his feet, still swaying._

Poppy, as a nurse had noticed something was wrong with the Slytherin, of course. But he, in his blindness had not seen.

_Professor Giftiger arrived last, walking leisurely and swinging his cane. He cast an indifferent glance around and raised a questioning eyebrow._

He should have perhaps picked a different Head of House, he had a feeling Hans Giftiger's cold and self-centered attitude had contributed to losing some of the Slytherins and accentuating the gap between the snakes and the rest of the Hogwart's houses. And yet, that division had been present for so many years... He would have to try much harder for them to unite, for he saw now, more than ever before how terribly he had failed.

_'What has happened here?'_

_The Headmaster asked calmly in his deep voice. _

_'Those two and the-the filthy werewolf creature tried to kill me!'_

_Severus shouted angrily as he took a step forward. Dumbledore raised a wrinkled hand. _

_'This is no place to discuss these matters, follow me all of you.'_

_He ordered quietly and turning began walking towards the castle. Madam Pomfrey ran after him,_

_'The boy's injured Headmaster, he should go to the Hospital Wing!'_

_She cried out irritably. Albus stopped and cast a worried glance at the Slytherin._

_'Mr. Lupin did not bite you, did he?'_

_He asked, his voice shaking slightly. _

The Headmaster had been frightened then, yes, he had dreaded an affirmative answer. For not only would it have doomed Snape to a werewolf life, but possibly ( most probably) broken Mr. Lupin who was somewhat weak of nature and would be devastated to know he was responsible for positively ruining a fellow student's life. Apart from those horrible repercussions, there wound surely be serious legal implications and the poor werewolf boy might have found himself dragged off by the Ministry after all.

_Snape shook his head, a snarl disfiguring his face quite in quite an ugly way._

_'No. But he was close to it.'_

_The matron went towards him and tapped him with her wand in the shoulders. Snape sprung away from her, but not before a dim white light settled around the wounds and scarred them quickly, stopping the bleeding. _

_'You'll have to visit the Hospital Wing after you talk with the Headmaster though.'_

_She warned and Dumbledore agreed with a nod, turning back again towards his office. Madam Pomfrey left them as they reached the stone gargoyle guarding the headmaster's quarters as it opened after he proportioned the password. All were quiet as they ascended the roving staircase and took seats before the desk, Mcgonagall remained standing and Giftiger wandered to the window. _

_'Mr. Potter, tell me your version of the events please.'_

Should he have perhaps asked them all? But it had been obvious Snape was only going to accuse the two Gryffindors, as would Mr. Black unfalteringly stand by his conviction that Severus had deserved the scare, though he had not attempted to kill him.

_Dumbledore asked politely, leaning forward in his chair and entwining his fingers to rest his chin on them. James glanced at Sirius anxiously and then at the now smirking Snape, who seemed to be savoring glory._

_'Well, sir. The thing is like this, erm, Snape...mmm.. heard someone,' he cast another fruitlessly subtle peek at his friend,' talking about how to make the Whomping Willow freeze. He, erm, got in and met Remus there sir, and then... well, Moony tried to attack him, and fortunately erm, I had heard that he was there and helped him out.'_

_He explained lamely and hesitantly. Dumbledore stared hard at him, then at Sirius for almost a whole minute and finally at Snape. _

He had been subtly checking for lies in their eyes, especially trying to detect any real murderous intentions on Black's behalf. But he had met only stubborn recklessness and a mingled nasty hatred and disgust. James had clearly been surprised by his friend's prank, but it was also visibly that a small part of him agreed with the other Gryffindor. Snape had not required any penetration, his face a mirror, reflecting his feelings quite easily.

_'I am very disappointed in all of you. This was a highly dangerous prank and very disrespectful towards Remus Lupin. Fifty points will be extracted from Gryffindor house, 'he turned to look at Mcgonagall who nodded vehemently in agreement, ' and you Mr. Black will be serving detention for a month, as will you Mr. Potter for a week.'_

_His blue eyes turned to Severus, who was gazing at him incredulously, a shadow of a smirk in his face._

_'I am sure I did not hear correctly, surely the three of them will be expelled?'_

_He asked, eyes flashing angrily, his breathing quickening. Albus shook his head slightly._

_'No Mr. Snape, I hardly believe expelling will help in any way. As to you, thirty points from Slytherin for meandering around after curfew.'_

_The Slytherin's crooked, yellowish teeth were visible as he stared at Dumbledore agape, then he closed it, appearing to have just swallowed a very sour lemon._

_'They tried to kill me, and you are going to let them leave without punishment?'_

_He shrieked, looking quite deranged. _

Albus frowned deeply, mirroring his past self; perhaps his father's treatment _had _affected his brain? He certainly looked quite mad. He shook his head slightly- then again, his rage had been palpable in the air.

_Dumbledore frowned at him._

_'I hardly think there was any real intent to end your life, Mr. Snape, and Mr. Potter **did **save it. And they **are** being punished.'_

_Severus stared at him, panting. His nose wrinkled, mouth twisted in an ugly snarl. He turned, got to his feet and made for the door._

_'One more thing Severus.'_

_The Slytherin turned his head, hand on the doorknob. Dumbledore untangled his hands and looked at him seriously. _

_'You are not to reveal Mr. Lupin's condition to anyone.'_

_The raven-haired boy raised an eyebrow, his eyes suddenly gone quiet cold, his face impassive once more._

_'What if it should slip?'_

_He asked nastily._

Gryffindor and Ravenclaw traits or not, he was undoubtably a Slytherin.

_'Then I am afraid you will be facing expulsion from this school.'_

_A fire of anger flared up in the black coals, his face looking quite livid. He shook his head and tore from the room, banging the door behind him. His robes were billowing behind him as he swept through the corridors, his lips still twisted angrily. He leapt up the stairs, a stream of curses and insults trickling out of his mouth. He reached the Astronomy Tower and stepped outside, the wind whipping the cloth around his thin figure. He walked to the edge and stared at the blackened abyss before him. Chest heaving he knelt on the floor and buried his face between his knees, trembling. _

Dumbledore watched Severus as he trembled, and inevitably the image came to his mind of the memory he had witnessed a short time before; when the boy had seeked refuge in the forest to weep the breaking of his friendship with Lily, or when he had attempted to rest after having beat up and submitted to the Cruciatus by Sibilius Snape. Though, he noticed with a strange and acute sense of grief and dread, his black eyes had seemed to have gotten progressively colder with the years. And now, he saw, though the youngster's eyes sparkled with tears, none were shed. Yet, all in all, the Headmaster pondered that should the situation arise again there was not much else he could have done. It had been frankly perilous and stupid on Sirius' part, but expulsion would not have solved anything. As to Mr. Potter he had risked his own life to save the Slytherins- whatever the real motives. And Remus Lupin had had not fault at all, the small werewolf had enough hardship as it was. Severus did too, undoubtedly, he now knew. But he had done what he had thought fair. He should have been less harsh, paid more attention to the Slytherin's obvious distress maybe- but in the end he still stood by his actions.


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: As always...

Note: Sorry for the long delay, but inspiration has been low and then the excitement of the HPB kept me from any coherent thought(!). Anyways, take in account that apart from the first two memories the other separated by ssssssSsssss are on the same day. Well, thanks for all the kind reviews! Enjoy your reading!

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_Snape grasped the silver serpent and knocked sharply, the metal thudding rather noisily against the wooden door. He stepped back, the cool summer breeze billowing his robes slightly as he cast an anxious glance around him, head snapping back to the door as it slid open silently. He stared at the empty air before him, getting a glimpse of a darkened, elegant drawing room before a squeaky, high voice called his attention and his eyes roving downwards came to settle on a house-elf._

_'Master says Mr. Snape be coming tonight. Dobby leads young sir to Master.'_

_The small being stated, enormous green orbs gazing at him curiously as he held the door open. Severus stepped in and raised an eyebrow; seemingly impressed with the obvious luxury. Golden chandeliers with crystal candles, two velvet couches embroidered with silk, a wooden table of excellent quality, an elaborate rug and numerous tapestries constituted the entrance room. He heard the door click shut behind him._

_'Sir please follows Dobby.'_

_The creature said shrilly and bounced through a heavy door, he followed it down a gloomy hallway of extraordinary proportions and finally into another large room. Lucius Malfoy stood by the fireplace, which was extinguished, perusing a letter he held in his hands. He glanced up, iron eyes narrowing slightly (whether in pleasure or malice was impossible to know) and smiling vanished the parchment and advanced towards him._

_'Severus, I'm glad you could come.'_

It had been the summer between his sixth and seventh years when he began corresponding with Lucius Malfoy, they never put in anything compromising of course, but some vague remarks about "the new power rising" had been mentioned. Until finally, after a few weeks Malfoy had invited him to his manor, he had apparated after slipping a simple Sleeping Draught in his father's drink. Not that would have noticed he was gone, but he had been quite keen to avoid any more confrontations with his father.

_Snape nodded tersely, he looked somewhat nervous, though determined all the same. Lucius smiled, and beckoned him towards two handsome chairs, they sat around a small table with a pair of silver snakes supporting it's crystal surface. There were already two sparkling glasses waiting for them and a bottle of red wine. Malfoy's eyes were set on Snape, his lips still curved into a slightly twisted smile. Severus was looking around the room, black orbs darting around until they finally came to rest on Lucius, his expression quite neutral._

_'Some wine, my friend?'_

A dagger wrapped in silver silk. He did think, however, that Lucius had come to regard him with some affection over the years. Although, of course, what friendship had ever begun with the recruiting of more servants for an evil lord, or progressed through murders and poisons?

_Lucius offered pleasantly, already pouring the sweet-smelling liquid into their cups. As he set the bottle down, Snape reached out a hand to take a sip of his drink._

_'How have you been?'_

_Malfoy asked after taking a sip himself. Severus shrugged slightly._

_'As well as always. What will a prisoner tell about the same walls he has inhabited ceaselessly for years? Perhaps different rats scurrying around him- but rats all the same, or a subtle change in the scent of the meals or a new trickle of water as more rock crumbles away but never enough to release him from his cell.'_

_Lucius raised a finely penciled eyebrow and leant forward. Softly he parted Snape's hair away from his face, fine fingers barely touching the skin. Severus remained very still, though his hands were trembling. The tip of Malfoy's fingers traced down his jaw, over a discoloring bruise before grazing the thin lips. He drew away, his stormy gray eyes glinting strangely. _

The bruise on his face had been the result of a vicious fight with his father. And though he had fought back, he was (as his father so tactlessly put it) nothing but a slimy weakling. But he had managed to give the man a good few punches too.Lucius took pleasure in any kind of pain, especially proportioning it himself- like Bellatrix, although he was infinitely more discrete and knew how to guard his appearances much better than the witch. Severus thought back suddenly at the recently remembered memory of Lucius' own graduation party in their Common Room and how the blond-haired had regarded him as he stiffened at the touch. That look of almost sick pleasure that had crossed his face...

_'Severus, you know I would do anything in my power to help you, you need but ask me.'_

_'Thank you Lucius. I will keep it in mind.'_

_Smiling faintly Malfoy leaned back once more._

_'Sometimes the solution to our problems is right before us...'_

_'There is no solution for the past. And I need only endure a few more weeks.'_

_'Then what? Will you run away and let him escape without avenging yourself, Severus?' Lucius asked softly,' Surely not.'_

_'There is nothing I can do.'_

_Snape responded coldly, hands curling into fists._

_'On your own.' Malfoy whispered, licking his lips, 'But there might be a person who can help you, Severus. And I am sure you shall like him...You may have already have heard of him...'_

Indeed, who had not heard of the Dark Lord by then, when he was rising rapidly amongst the wizarding community. He had been distinctly appealed by the idea; not only did it offer the revenge he craved, but power and respect.

_SsSsSsSsSsSs_

_'The Dark Lord was very pleased with your potions Severus.'_

_Lucius Malfoy whispered quietly in the young man's ear as he approached silently from behind, startling Snape who started slightly. He took a seat across him and waved his hand,_

_'Dobby.'_

_With a loud crack the house-elf appeared, his hands clumsily bandaged. _

_'Yes, sirs. What may you be wanting?'_

_'Some whisky, perhaps...' he cast a glance at Snape who nodded indifferently. _

_Suddenly a young woman entered the room. She was dressed in velvet robes of blood red, her shiny, blonde hair cascading over her shoulder like a fountain of gold. She strode towards them, though her nose wrinkled as she caught sight of Snape._

_'Narcissa dear, do you care to sit with us?'_

_'Madam.' _

_Severus greeted her, standing up and giving her a stiff bow. She surveyed him arrogantly, her eyebrows raised. Light blue eyes swerved back to her husband._

_'No Lucius. I just came to get something.'_

_She replied coldly, and indeed after selecting a leather bound book from a shelf she left without a backwards glance. Snape stared after her, an eyebrow raised, though no emotion was discernible in his face._

He knew Narcissa had not particularly liked him at first, since she knew of his spoiled blood line and considered the purity of blood as an object of utmost importance. He remembered her vaguely from his first year at Hogwarts, an attractive seventh year who had been already immersed in a steady relationship with Lucius Malfoy. She had never paid him any attention, but at the times they had happened to share in the Common Room he had frequently overheard her complaining about her traitorous cousin Sirius Black and the abundance of Mudbloods polluting the castle with Lucius nodding arrogantly in approval and agreement of her words. The pair had been regarded by everyone with a mixture of awe, envy and hatred (in the case of the other houses).

_I marvel how you manage to produce such excellent potions and yet get through all your seventh year work.'_

_Lucius remarked as the door closed behind the woman, he was smirking slightly and there was a spark of amusement in his eyes before he returned to look at Severus. _

_'The potions requested are not too complicated.'_

_Snape responded with a faint sneer, 'Nor the lessons.' He added, appearing somewhat pleased at the praise. He took a swig of the alcohol and grimaced as he swallowed, pushing the goblet back on the table. Lucius let out a small laugh._

_'Not one for strong tastes?'_

_'It tastes worse than a Blood-Replenishing potion.'_

Unfortunately, he had been forced to endure the unpleasant concoction more than once. His nose wrinkled in renewed disgust, as though he were swallowing it once more. Remembering how his father had nearly choked him on the vile liquid after a distinctly violent beating when he was thirteen, after Sibilius had finally noticed the pooling of blood under him and his immobility and hurried to avoid his death.

_He said in disgust. Malfoy smirked and fell silent, a strange, calculating look on his face. _

_'Severus, you came here for something, did you not?'_

_Snape licked his lips quickly and sat up straighter, his eyes growing colder and more determined._

_'I wish to take the Dark Mark.'_

Snape averted his face, even though his eyes were closed, in shame. For he regretted his decision of joining the Death Eaters...had he not done it he would have probably finished his young life bleeding to death on some street or with a flash of green light pressed to his temple by his own hand. Not a very elegant or dignified end, but certainly preferable to what he had transformed in. It would have avoided those thoughtless murders he had committed, and these long years of fruitless redemption that were sure to follow. Unless, and he was ashamed to know that he somehow hoped, that the Dark Lord would discover his treachery and kill him. End his miserable existence, but when had he ever been favored by Life? And he did not deserve it anyway, he had in his hands the power to help the Light, struggle to atone at least some of his deeds and he could not waste it.

_Lucius grinned. _

_'I thought so. Fantastic Severus, I am glad you have finally decided to enter the fold.'_

_Severus nodded, half a smile on his face._

_'I am sure it will be agreeable with the Master.'_

_'W-when shall it be done?'_

_'No need to be nervous Severus. It is the best decision you could ever have taken. As to the date, well it will have to be after you leave school naturally... you still have to sit your NEWTs.'_

_'Could it be on my Graduation?'_

_Snape asked abruptly, his eyes glinting._

The thought had been especially enticing then. The perfect closure for something which had been both sweet (for he had enjoyed his classes) and bitter, for he had hated and been reciprocated in the feeling by many. Locking a door and crossing through the archway into what promised to be an utopic existence. Which had, of course, turned out be but a lie.

_'Why yes. What a great idea, doubly special.'_

_Lucius smiled and raised his goblet, motioning for Snape to do the same. _

_'To you, Severus Snape, soon one of the Death Eaters.'_

_He pronounced and with a small tinkle their goblets touched and both downed the contents. Severus grimacing and Lucius grinning._

_SSsSsSsSsSsSsS_

_Patches of bleary sunlight filtered through the canopy of light gray clouds, unseasonable in the early summer. The grass blades tinged with pale yellow were cast into shadow as the seventh-years trudged down the grounds towards the lake, where they would be taking the graduating photo. An old wizard with dusty, slightly shabby robes holding a large camera was engaged in conversation with Professor Mcgonagall who had two red spots on her cheeks and seemed strangely flustered. _

_'What's up with you Snape?'_

_Rosier asked with a raised eyebrow as he watched the other boy, who was wearing a lopsided smirk. _

_'Nothing, why?'_

_He responded, pushing his hair out of his face and frowning slightly._

_'You were..smirking...'_

_He explained hesitantly, looking confused. Finally Evan waved it off with a shake of his head and a hand in the air gesturing fruitlessly. _

He wasn't surprised that his attitude had startled Evan, for he was known to rarely walk around smiling in that way. But he had been lost in thought about that same night, he remembered the spark of excitement and anticipation that had burnt in him at the possibilities that were materializing before him. Snape struggled to contain a bitter laugh, but they had not finished solidifying and had revealed their true condition of illusions.

_'Gryffindor House, please line up.'_

_Mcgongall called authoritively over the babble, and obediently the students wove their way out of the throng and filed up. Severus watched as Sirius Black smiled seductively before James Potter punched him in the arm and Lily glared at them, though her lips were twitching while Lupin laughed at the scene and Pettigrew fidgeted nervously in his seat. _

Filthy, immature imbeciles. And Lily...She had not glanced at him since that fifth year incident, which, he had been forced to remind himself ceaselessly over the years, was what he had been trying to achieve. But it had hurt, and it still pained him, as though he had barbed wire tangled in his heart. It was incredible, he thought, that he should still harbor these painful feelings. He had been struggling to contain them for years, but the emotions were still there: the pain, the grief which he only knew how to bear striking against it with anger and hatred.

_Suddenly the camera emitted a puff of purple smoke which enveloped the elderly wizard and left him covered in a mantle of what appeared to be lilac glitter, making the students around him laugh as he waved it off.. The Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs followed and afterwards dispersed around the grounds, enjoying their last days at Hogwarts._

_'Slytherins.'_

_Giftiger summoned his House, Severus followed Mcnair and stepped onto the wooden, rickety benches. _

_'I dare you to smile for the photo, Severus!'_

_Avery laughed beside him. Snape gave him a horribly forced smile with a raised eyebrow._

_'How's this?'_

He had burnt the picture some weeks ago, in a vain and foolish attempt at dissolving the past. But objects were but material records which held no real importance, for the memories were always there, engraved in his mind. And it was clear his actions, trials and mistakes would accompany him forever. Like daggers embedded in his flesh, slowly bleeding him but never enough to stop the suffering.

_He asked before his mask dissolved and he returned to his usual glower, face half-obscured by his curtains of greasy hair. Rosier guffawed loudly turning around just in time as the flash of the camera came and a cloud of orange smoke broke through them all. _

_ssssSssss_

_'That little potion of yours would be perfect for tonight, Severus.'_

_Mcnair hinted slyly as they walked around the lake with Evan Rosier, who grinned, eyes narrowed and nodded in agreement._

_'Oh, yes! Please, will you give us some more?'_

_Severus raised an eyebrow, and stopped to stare at them._

_'That- **potion **was an illicit mixture, surely you do not believe I have some more stored?'_

_Mcnair looked doubtful but Evan laughed._

_'Oh come on, don't give us that. I know you do.'_

_'Yes? How do you happen to know?'_

_He asked in a menacing whisper._

_'You wouldn't throw away something that good.'_

_Snape gave a small snort and gazed at the other boy with a small smirk._

_'You idiot, it was but a particularly strong hallucininating potion.' He paused and sneered.' Apart from experimental and probably toxic.'_

_'I drunk it! And Mcnair too!'_

_The Slytherin exclaimed in alarm, scowling. The raven-haired boy's sneer grew more pronounced,_

_'Then give thanks you're alive.'_

He could not deny that in the years he had spent at Hogwarts he had ended caring for some of his classmates, although he really did not consider any of them _friends. _For their intimacy did not compare with the one he had shared with Lily, and though some might have considered friendship the mutual convenience that had bonded them, he did not.

_He added as he continued walking. Suddenly a giant, fleshy-colored tentacle flew from the water and grasped hold of Snape's waist, knocking him off his feet and dragging him towards the water. _

_'Impedimenta!'_

_Rosier shouted as another tentacle rose and buffeted the unwary victim, pushing him underwater. Mcnair sprinted towards the edge of the lake and taking out a small dagger tried to hack at the tentacles._

_'Stupefy!'_

_The squid dropped Snape and scurried from sight, a few of it's tentacles seemingly immobilized behind him. Severus crawled from the water, his hair clinging to his skull like black algae. The other two Slytherin hurried forwards in mild concern as the wet figure spat out greenish water. _

_'Fare thee well Snivellus!'_

_A mocking voice called and Sirius Black strode into view, arm in arm with James Potter, who gave him a flourished bow._

_'Our parting gift to the object of inspiration of possibly the greatest pranksters Hogwarts has known.'_

_He recited, grinning. _

_'You filthy imbeciles. You'll pay for this someday bastards.'_

_He snarled as he struggled to his feet, weighed down by the soaked robes. The two Gryffindors simply snorted and walked off laughing. _

The final farewell indeed, Severus thought with a spark of annoyance and anger he could not quell. The last prank before they all left school and were spared of looking upon their faces ever again. But they were there, as before, they remained in his mind. Their mocking, triumphant grins and raucous laughter.

_sssssssSsssssssss_

_Severus walked briskly out of the Slytherin Common Room. Some heads turning as the pale figure with billowing black robes passed by them, but none calling him back. A pleasant breeze was blowing, cooling the warm summer night when he strode out of the castle, head bowed and eyes settled on the floor before his feet. _

_'Severus!'_

_Lucius greeted him with a grin, striding forward and shaking his hand. The windows of the Three Broomsticks were dark behind the heavy curtains draped over them. The streets deserted as midnight neared._

_'Finally free from school, eh?'_

_'Yes.'_

_Snape answered stiffly, looking around he noticed two figured bundled in heavy, black robes. He turned a questioning face towards Malfoy whose grin grew wider,_

_'More eager followers of the Dark Lord.'_

_He explained with an elegant shrug._

_The four of them apparated in front of a large manor. It was encircled by high walls of rough stone, the gates wrought in handsome black iron which glinted in the moonlight. Lucius strode forwards and tapped the heavy lock with his wand, bursting it open as a greenish light shot from his wand. The flash illuminated the hooded creatures, which turned out to be Avery and Mcnair. Snape nodded at them coldly and they returned the silent greeting. _

_'If you shall follow me.'_

_Malfoy whispered and walked in, the path leading to the house was illumined slightly by eerie green lights which seemed to be coming from floating skulls, rather deformed ones. Dark, looming trees swayed their branches towards them like gnarled hands. They reached the thick, wooden doors and found them to be already open, leading the way into the darkened interior. A blood red carpet beneath their feet, a collection of paintings on the walls framed in gold and silver and chandeliers casting pale light from the high ceiling. _

The Dark Lord certainly had an expensive, and rather peculiar taste...Slightly macabre some would say. When looked at the painting in the walls carefully one could distinguish some of it's occupants writhing in pain or screaming through silenced mouths, jerking bodies as severed limbs fluttered down into pools of shimmering blood. Rather exquisite art, Snape pondered with a twisted half-smile, very realistic.

_'You shall be called.'_

_Lucius said quietly and passed through a black door. The three of them stared around, the silence stifling like a mantle of dust. After what seemed like hours a figure cloaked in black and wearing a white mask beckoned Avery forward. Silence. Then a cry and more silence. The person emerged again and bent a gloved finger for Snape to follow him. He passed through the door._

_It was an ample circular room, lighted only by a couple of sputtering blue torches. The room was bare, except for a throne-like seat that met the eye as soon as one crossed through the ominous black door, about a dozen hooded figures formed a circle slightly smaller than the room. _

_'Severus Ignatius Snape.'_

_A harsh voice broke through the silence and Snape took a few steps forwards and knelt before Voldemort, head bowed._

_'Come forward my friend...'_

_The Dark Lord hissed. Severus moved closer, until Voldemort extended a hand and pulled his chin up to gaze at his face. His face was nearly chalk-white, glowing red eyes with cat-like slits for pupils. He withdrew his hand after a few minutes of contemplation and waved lazily._

Lord...Voldemort...Snape thought with an involuntary jerk. Those merciless red eyes, like windows to the fiery pits of hell. He had never encountered any person who performed Legilemancy with such ease; he made you feel as though it were impossible to lie and horrible things would happen if you did. Which was nearly true. He had not offered any real resistance there, as the Dark Lord had been searching for nothing in particular. More like ascertaining the blackness of the new recruit's heart and the extent of his devotion.

_A tall, imposing man cloaked in blood-red and wearing a black mask behind which only his glittering eyes were visible came forward, carrying a silver dagger in his hand._

_'Extend your left arm.'_

_He ordered, and Snape complied. His robes were pushed up and the shining blade pressed to his forearm, a trickle of blood blossomed on his pearly skin and trickled down his wrist. The tip of Voldemort's wand touched the cut as the other Death Eater walked back._

_'Morsmodre.'_

_Snape gasped as the Dark Mark appeared in glowing red in his arm, then bit his lip. The skull continued glowing red until Voldemort pressed his tip upon it once more and it faded to black. _

Unconsciously his hand strayed to his left arm and rubbed the place where the Dark Mark was burned into his skin. It had hurt terribly, even more than the summons which were painful enough. As though the skull and the snake were being etched into his flesh with a red-hot knife, oozing with acid which seemed to melt through his pores and into his veins, burning through his bones.

_'Welcome Severus Snape to the Dark Lord's Death Eaters.'_

_Severus bowed and pressed his lips to the hem of Voldemort's robes._

_'May your loyalty never waver Severusssss.'_

_He hissed, eyes locking with Snape's and finally stretching his lipless mouth in an unpleasant smile._

_'Never. **My Lord.'**_

How ironic. Severus smirked grimly, digging his nails into his forearm without being aware of it.

_SssssssS_

_Half a dozen cloaked and masked figures stood before a white, plain house. The street was deserted apart from the occasional rumble of a distant car. _

_'The Little Muggles were Sleeping, as Death arrived at their door and they didn't hear, the swish and flick of Doom. Filthy stupid Muggles, wake up for Death, don't keep her waiting.'_

_Bellatrix recited softly in a singsong voice before letting out a cackle of laughter and throwing off her mask to reveal glinting eyes and a wide, slightly insane smile._

_'Let's go.'_

_Lucius agreed with an appraising smirk of approval and pointing at the handsome white door burst it open with an explosion of wood splinters. They passed through the door as two muggles came running, a man with sleep-messed black hair and a pretty blonde woman who screamed as she saw them._

_'Silencio!'_

_One of the Death Eaters called and the woman fell silent, though her mouth was still open in a scream._

_'What're you doing here? Who are you? What do you want from us?'_

_The man shouted angrily, fear flickering in his eyes as Dolohov laughed from beneath his mask._

_'Nosy little muggle you are, eh? Imperio!'_

_As the ray of light hit him he began banging his head against the floor, screaming hoarsely. The woman was watching her husband with terrified eyes, sobbing silently she backed to a corner. Suddenly, as blood began trickling down his forehead, something flickered in the woman's eyes and she began rising slowly from the floor. Bellatrix noticed and her grin widened._

_'Well, I better wake the children for our little party. It would be very mean not to let them participate.'_

_She stated sweetly. The woman bolted from the room and through a corridor, Bellatrix streaked after her, followed a moment later by Snape and a couple of more Death Eaters. They reached a room painted with pastel blue colors and little clouds and saw she was desperately scooping up one of her children while another older one woke groggily. With a bang like a gunshot the woman was thrown against the wall, blood flowing down her face from where her lips had been removed. _

He felt nauseatingly revolted, and seeing his own form participating accentuated the hatred and disgust he felt at himself. He remembered what he had been feeling then; slightly lost, like a new student who doesn't quite know the way around the school. He couldn't quite place himself in the chaos. The lines around Snape's mouth tightened at the paradox, a place..._order_..in chaos.

_'Come little children, don't you want to play?'_

_Bellatrix intoned softly and Crabbe guffawed thickly, grabbing the youngest which looked about three or four by the neck and shaking him roughly._

_'Crucio!'_

_The witch shrieked and watched with a wide, content smile as the little boy howled with pain. _

_'You can take over the other one.'_

_She told Snape and cast the curse on the child again. Snape eyed the other one with narrowed eyes, he seemed about seven or eight and was standing against the wall, eyes darting from his mother and brother to the door and the hooded creatures before him. Bellatrix let out an impatient cry as the woman ran towards her, eyes streaming with tears and tried to claw off Bellatrix with her nails. _

_'Accio eyeballs!'_

_And two bloody orbs shot towards the door, and into Narcissa's hands. She tossed them at the boy, who dodged them with a yell._

_'You've always been very messy Bella.'_

_She said in a dignified way. The seven year old lunged forwards abruptly, a bat clutched between his hands and swung towards Narcissa who let out a small shriek._

_'Impedimenta!'_

_Snape hissed and he fell with a thud against the closet. Mrs.Malfoy eyed him silently and then gave him a small smile._

_'Crucio.'_

He did not know whether to weep or laugh. They both seemed strangely appropriate, but so did jumping off the Astronomy Tower.

_They hissed at the same time and watched as the child screamed, sobbing, his mother banging blindly against the walls as she fought to get to her sons. Dolohov and the others which had stayed in the hall ran in, _

_'Come on, we've stayed here too long.'_

_Lucius told them all hurriedly._

_'Avada Kedavra!'_

_Goyle grunted and the woman fell dead. Bellatrix killed hers after giving him an obscene kiss on the tear-stained cheek._

_'Come on Snape. Your first one?'_

_Snape stared at the sobbing boy. His hair was messy and black, his eyes though obscured with tears could almost be called hazel in the pale light of the moon._

He had hesitated. Of course, he had known what he was entering when he joined the Death Eaters. But somehow, being told to kill that boy so suddenly had shaken him. Then, he had pondered, did he even know the boy? It would actually be doing him a kindness, for his family was all dead and he was sure to go insane after the events that he had witnessed. He had felt _powerful, _a feeling he had never experienced before. To know that he could end his life with just two simple words, like holding a leaf between two fingers and crushing it.

_'Avada Kedavra!'_

_And he was dead. They ran outside._

_'Morsmordre.'_

_Severus cast the Dark Mark into the air, which floated sparkling green in the air as the sirens sounded nearer. They dissaparated._

Thrilled, he was disgusted to remember. That was exactly how he had felt. A shrill rush of adrenaline had coursed through him and he had enjoyed it. As much as laughing with Lily, but it had not hurt as thinking of Lily had, it caused him no pang. At least then. Now it did, a stab of remorse as painful as though a sword were sliding straight through his heart.

_SssssssssSss_

_'I hadn't had so much fun with muggle baiting in a while.'_

_Bellatrix sighed happily as they sank into the dense armchairs in Malfoy's living room. _

_'Yes, that was particularly enjoyable.'_

_Lucius said as he glanced at the newly initiated and smirked, taking a sip of his champagne_

_'A good omen perhaps.'_

_Crabbe and Goyle snickered appreciatively._

_'A toast.'_

_Narcissa pronounced, leaning forward, now clothed in a deep velvety blue dress._

_'To the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters.'_

_Antonin growled lifting his glass. All around they all raised their cups._

_'To the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters.'_

Snape slid a few inches down his chair, squeezing his eyes more tightly and giving a small sigh.


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: You know the drill

Note: Finally I brought myself to write this, hours I've been...Tired stretch of cramped arm muscles Anyways, no, don't worry I will not abandon the fic. Thanks for the kind reviews. I've got next chapter all planned out, expect more angst and torture. Lovely. Well, enjoy Dumbledore's POV. R egards-

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_Snape grasped the silver serpent and knocked sharply, the metal thudding rather noisily against the wooden door. He stepped back, the cool summer breeze billowing his robes slightly as he cast an anxious glance around him, head snapping back to the door as it slid open silently. He stared at the empty air before him, getting a glimpse of a darkened, elegant drawing room before a squeaky, high voice called his attention and his eyes roving downwards came to settle on a house-elf._

Dumbledore looked around the dark surroundings curiously, wondering were they were. Not much could be glimpsed but the large shadows of various trees against the pale lights illuminating the path that led to the door. The large manor seemed to him vaguely familiar. His eyes returned back to Snape as the door slid open; he looked calm although an undercurrent of nervousness was visible upon closer inspection.

_'Master says Mr. Snape be coming tonight. Dobby leads young sir to Master.'_

_The small being stated, enormous green orbs gazing at him curiously as he held the door open. Severus stepped in and raised an eyebrow; seemingly impressed with the obvious luxury. Golden chandeliers with crystal candles, two velvet couches embroidered with silk, a wooden table of excellent quality, an elaborate rug and numerous tapestries constituted the entrance room. He heard the door click shut behind him._

_'Sir please follows Dobby.'_

_The creature said shrilly and bounced through a heavy door, he followed it down a gloomy hallway of extraordinary proportions and finally into another large room. Lucius Malfoy stood by the fireplace, which was extinguished, perusing a letter he held in his hands. He glanced up, iron eyes narrowing slightly (whether in pleasure or malice was impossible to know) and smiling vanished the parchment and advanced towards him._

Of course, he remembered now, Malfoy Manor. He had not recognized it at first as the few times he had been there had been during the day. He knew naturally that Lucius Malfoy despised him, but they had been obliged to invite him to a couple of the larger parties they had held, seeing as everyone knew about both the Malfoy family (one of oldest and most renown pureblooded) and himself, it would have been awkward had he been visibly absent from the more influential congregations.

_'Severus, I'm glad you could come.'_

_Snape nodded tersely, he looked somewhat nervous, though determined all the same. Lucius smiled, and beckoned him towards two handsome chairs, they sat around a small table with a pair of silver snakes supporting it's crystal surface. There were already two sparkling glasses waiting for them and a bottle of red wine. Malfoy's eyes were set on Snape, his lips still curved into a slightly twisted smile. Severus was looking around the room, black orbs darting around until they finally came to rest on Lucius, his expression quite neutral._

_'Some wine, my friend?'_

By the cold look in the man's iron-like eyes, Albus doubted highly whether he had really considered Snape a friend, at least at that time. More likely he had just seen him as another possibly useful servant to bring over to the Voldemort, enticing him with illusory images of power.

_Lucius offered pleasantly, already pouring the sweet-smelling liquid into their cups. As he set the bottle down, Snape reached out a hand to take a sip of his drink._

_'How have you been?'_

_Malfoy asked after taking a sip himself. Severus shrugged slightly._

_'As well as always. What will a prisoner tell about the same walls he has inhabited ceaselessly for years? Perhaps different rats scurrying around him- but rats all the same, or a subtle change in the scent of the meals or a new trickle of water as more rock crumbles away but never enough to release him from his cell.'_

Albus could not help but imitate Malfoy in his subtle gesture of surprise, although he was rather pained by the response more than amused as Lucius seemed to be. Then again, what could be expected considering what the boy had to live at his home?

_Lucius raised a finely penciled eyebrow and leant forward. Softly he parted Snape's hair away from his face, fine fingers barely touching the skin. Severus remained very still, though his hands were trembling. The tip of Malfoy's fingers traced down his jaw, over a discoloring bruise before grazing the thin lips. He drew away, his stormy gray eyes glinting strangely. _

The man's gaze made him feel somewhat uneasy, it betrayed a sinister sort of twisted pleasure at the idea of pain. The same light burning in his eyes as when he had spoken to Snape at his Graduation party. No wonder Malfoy was a Death Eater of course, not only did it increase his power but proportion the victims for torture that he longed for. At Hogwarts he had never been involved in any fights, for although many from the other houses had hated him they were far too intimated to attempt to take on him. And the few who did came off worse, considering he had his two henchmen Crabbe and Goyle and the nearly the whole of Slytherin House backing him up. But then, now there seemed to be an element of doubt in all he knew about his students. How could he be completely sure after having discovered all the things he had missed...

_'Severus, you know I would do anything in my power to help you, you need but ask me.'_

_'Thank you Lucius. I will keep it in mind.'_

_Smiling faintly Malfoy leaned back once more._

_'Sometimes the solution to our problems is right before us...'_

_'There is no solution for the past. And I need only endure a few more weeks.'_

_'Then what? Will you run away and let him escape without avenging yourself, Severus?' Lucius asked softly,' Surely not.'_

Offering little sips of poisoned honey, feeding the anger that Severus felt towards his father and life in general really.

_'There is nothing I can do.'_

_Snape responded coldly, hands curling into fists._

_'On your own.' Malfoy whispered, licking his lips, 'But there might be a person who can help you, Severus. And I am sure you shall like him...You may have already have heard of him...'_

Voldemort. Naturally he offered the desired vengeance. How could he really blame him for joining the Death Eaters, after all, when he had received nothing but pain from the supposed Light side. He would have run towards any alternative, an offering of something different. It had turned out for the worse in the end. Albus shook his head slightly, it was perhaps understandable...but far from justifiable.

_SsSsSsSsSsSs_

_'The Dark Lord was very pleased with your potions Severus.'_

_Lucius Malfoy whispered quietly in the young man's ear as he approached silently from behind, startling Snape who started slightly. He took a seat across him and waved his hand,_

_'Dobby.'_

_With a loud crack the house-elf appeared, his hands clumsily bandaged. _

_'Yes, sirs. What may you be wanting?'_

_'Some whisky, perhaps...' he cast a glance at Snape who nodded indifferently. _

_Suddenly a young woman entered the room. She was dressed in velvet robes of blood red, her shiny, blonde hair cascading over her shoulder like a fountain of gold. She strode towards them, though her nose wrinkled as she caught sight of Snape._

_'Narcissa dear, do you care to sit with us?'_

_'Madam.' _

_Severus greeted her, standing up and giving her a stiff bow. She surveyed him arrogantly, her eyebrows raised. Light blue eyes swerved back to her husband._

_'No Lucius. I just came to get something.'_

_She replied coldly, and indeed after selecting a leather bound book from a shelf she left without a backwards glance. _

He recognized Narcissa Malfoy, an undeniable pretty woman, were it not for her rather sour character. She generally considered anyone who was not of her same purity of blood as dirty and mostly worthless. They were perfect for each other, certainly.

_Snape stared after her, an eyebrow raised, though no emotion was discernible in his face._

_I marvel how you manage to produce such excellent potions and yet get through all your seventh year work.'_

_Lucius remarked as the door closed behind the woman, he was smirking slightly and there was a spark of amusement in his eyes before he returned to look at Severus. _

Dumbledore thought he rather knew the reason of Malfoy's humorous attitude, he had probably thought it was amusing to see his wife treating his guest so disdainfully. He wondered if the woman knew that her beloved Dark Lord was a half-blood himself.

_'The potions requested are not too complicated.'_

_Snape responded with a faint sneer, 'Nor the lessons.' He added, appearing somewhat pleased at the praise. _

Bushy eyebrows contracted slightly. Severus had already been working for Voldemort during his seventh year. He was most unpleasantly surprised and felt, even somewhat disgusted at the knowledge. Knowing the type of potions He was likely to desire it could be supposed the boy had started killing when he was but eighteen years old, and the thought inevitably saddened him.

_He took a swig of the alcohol and grimaced as he swallowed, pushing the goblet back on the table. Lucius let out a small laugh._

_'Not one for strong tastes?'_

_'It tastes worse than a Blood-Replenishing potion.'_

He hardly doubted it had had something to do with his father, considering all he now knew about him.

_He said in disgust. Malfoy smirked and fell silent, a strange, calculating look on his face. _

_'Severus, you came here for something, did you not?'_

_Snape licked his lips quickly and sat up straighter, his eyes growing colder and more determined._

_'I wish to take the Dark Mark.'_

Albus grimaced slightly as he heard the words, the statement which foreboded his doom. But he had come back, he was not yet lost, was he? But he could not understand, as much as he struggled why someone would wish to enter that life of murder and torture. Condemning yourself for illusions of power, fear cloaked as respect, bitter revenge...

_Lucius grinned. _

_'I thought so. Fantastic Severus, I am glad you have finally decided to enter the fold.'_

_Severus nodded, half a smile on his face._

_'I am sure it will be agreeable with the Master.'_

_'W-when shall it be done?'_

_'No need to be nervous Severus. It is the best decision you could ever have taken. As to the date, well it will have to be after you leave school naturally... you still have to sit your NEWTs.'_

_'Could it be on my Graduation?'_

_Snape asked abruptly, his eyes glinting._

_'Why yes. What a great idea, doubly special.'_

_Lucius smiled and raised his goblet, motioning for Snape to do the same. _

_'To you, Severus Snape, soon one of the Death Eaters.'_

_He pronounced and with a small tinkle their goblets touched and both downed the contents. Severus grimacing and Lucius grinning._

It seemed oddly appropriate, their expressions like foreboding gestures; as though it were burning wax making his way down his throat and sealing his fate. Snape grimacing as he would do afterwards upon reflection of his dreadful error and Lucius grinning as he managed to gather yet another follower for the Dark Lord.

_SSsSsSsSsSsSsS_

_Patches of bleary sunlight filtered through the canopy of light gray clouds, unseasonable in the early summer. The grass blades tinged with pale yellow were cast into shadow as the seventh-years trudged down the grounds towards the lake, where they would be taking the graduating photo. An old wizard with dusty, slightly shabby robes holding a large camera was engaged in conversation with Professor Mcgonagall who had two red spots on her cheeks and seemed strangely flustered. _

The slightest shadow of a smile crossed Dumbledore's face as he watched Minerva Mcgonagall in the memory, she had told him once (blushing furiously) about the attentions received from the old school photographer ever since she had taken her own Graduating picture.

_'What's up with you Snape?'_

_Rosier asked with a raised eyebrow as he watched the other boy, who was wearing a lopsided smirk. _

_'Nothing, why?'_

_He responded, pushing his hair out of his face and frowning slightly._

_'You were. Smirking...'_

_He explained hesitantly, looking confused. Finally Evan waved it off with a shake of his head and a hand in the air gesturing fruitlessly. _

It certainly was rather odd, and not surprising at all that it had attracted his friend's notice. For the silent smirk seemed to hide something- probably the knowledge that he would that very night be taking his first step towards what was supposed to be a better life- and considering that Snape usually walked around scowling or glaring, it was even the more conspicuous.

_'Gryffindor House, please line up.'_

_Mcgongall called authoritively over the babble, and obediently the students wove their way out of the throng and filed up. Severus watched as Sirius Black smiled seductively before James Potter punched him in the arm and Lily glared at them, though her lips were twitching while Lupin laughed at the scene and Pettigrew fidgeted nervously in his seat. _

They truly were an endearing lot, Dumbledore could not deny to himself. But that did not give him a reason to abandon the rest, which was exactly what he had done. Concentrating his attention on the most agreeable; the charming pair, Sirius Black and James Potter, the kind-hearted Remus Lupin, sweet Peter Pettigrew and the lovely Lily Evans...And on the other side, Severus Snape; a lonely, odd Slytherin. Of course, he had been nothing but an inconvenience. Why, he had had to subtract points of his beloved Gryffindor and give detentions to the dear Marauders! Merlin, Dumbledore thought sadly as Guilt took another large bite, had he really thought that way?

_Suddenly the camera emitted a puff of purple smoke which enveloped the elderly wizard and left him covered in a mantle of what appeared to be lilac glitter, making the students around him laugh as he waved it off.. The Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs followed and afterwards dispersed around the grounds, enjoying their last days at Hogwarts._

_'Slytherins.'_

_Giftiger summoned his House, Severus followed Mcnair and stepped onto the wooden, rickety benches. _

_'I dare you to smile for the photo, Severus!'_

_Avery laughed beside him. Snape gave him a horribly forced smile with a raised eyebrow._

_'How's this?'_

_He asked before his mask dissolved and he returned to his usual glower, face half-obscured by his curtains of greasy hair. Rosier guffawed loudly turning around just in time as the flash of the camera came and a cloud of orange smoke broke through them all. _

Albus let out a small sigh, it was in truth a rather sad picture. Considering that so many from Slytherin House that year had left to join the forces of the Dark Lord, off to destroy and mutilate the families of the very students with which they had shared their classes with.

_ssssSssss_

_'That little potion of yours would be perfect for tonight, Severus.'_

_Mcnair hinted slyly as they walked around the lake with Evan Rosier, who grinned, eyes narrowed and nodded in agreement._

_'Oh, yes! Please, will you give us some more?'_

_Severus raised an eyebrow, and stopped to stare at them._

_'That- **potion **was an illicit mixture, surely you do not believe I have some more stored?'_

_Mcnair looked doubtful but Evan laughed._

_'Oh come on, don't give us that. I know you do.'_

_'Yes? How do you happen to know?'_

_He asked in a menacing whisper._

_'You wouldn't throw away something that good.'_

_Snape gave a small snort and gazed at the other boy with a small smirk._

_'You idiot, it was but a particularly strong hallucininating potion.' He paused and sneered.' Apart from experimental and probably toxic.'_

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows visibly in surprise at this sudden information, then sighed resignedly. It was impossible to believe that no illegal mixtures would find their way into the various Common Rooms, although he would make a point of enforcing the protection after this.

_'I drunk it! And Mcnair too!'_

_The Slytherin exclaimed in alarm, scowling. The raven-haired boy's sneer grew more pronounced,_

_'Then give thanks you're alive.'_

_He added as he continued walking. Suddenly a giant, fleshy-colored tentacle flew from the water and grasped hold of Snape's waist, knocking him off his feet and dragging him towards the water. _

He winced at the force with which the Squid attacked the Slytherin, seeing his frail form it was probable he had cracked some of his ribs.

_'Impedimenta!'_

_Rosier shouted as another tentacle rose and buffeted the unwary victim, pushing him underwater. Mcnair sprinted towards the edge of the lake and taking out a small dagger tried to hack at the tentacles._

_'Stupefy!'_

He couldn't help but wonder what could have made the creature attack anyone, as it was usually quite peaceful, even friendly with the students.

_The squid dropped Snape and scurried from sight, a few of it's tentacles seemingly immobilized behind him. Severus crawled from the water, his hair clinging to his skull like black algae. The other two Slytherin hurried forwards in mild concern as the wet figure spat out greenish water. _

_'Fare thee well Snivellus!'_

_A mocking voice called and Sirius Black strode into view, arm in arm with James Potter, who gave him a flourished bow._

_'Our parting gift to the object of inspiration of possibly the greatest pranksters Hogwarts has known.'_

_He recited, grinning. _

The answer to his question it appeared, Dumbledore thought, with a small shake of his head. It was highly inappropriate of them, even dangerous...but, they had already crossed every possible boundary concerning that particular Slytherin, hadn't they?

_'You filthy imbeciles. You'll pay for this someday bastards.'_

_He snarled as he struggled to his feet, weighed down by the soaked robes. The two Gryffindors simply snorted and walked off laughing. _

Some part of himself could not really blame Snape for his lingering anger and obvious hatred towards the two boys, and considering it had been fuelled to a greater blaze during these years he had been lost as a Death Eater. They had made his life at Hogwarts quite uncomfortable, transformed what was to have been his haven and respite from his father's abusive character to another humiliating and harassed position.

_sssssssSsssssssss_

_Severus walked briskly out of the Slytherin Common Room. Some heads turning as the pale figure with billowing black robes passed by them, but none calling him back. A pleasant breeze was blowing, cooling the warm summer night when he strode out of the castle, head bowed and eyes settled on the floor before his feet. _

_'Severus!'_

_Lucius greeted him with a grin, striding forward and shaking his hand. The windows of the Three Broomsticks were dark behind the heavy curtains draped over them. The streets deserted as midnight neared._

_'Finally free from school, eh?'_

_'Yes.'_

_Snape answered stiffly, looking around he noticed two figured bundled in heavy, black robes. He turned a questioning face towards Malfoy whose grin grew wider,_

_'More eager followers of the Dark Lord.'_

_He explained with an elegant shrug._

Dumbledore felt his heart beating unusually fast in his chest as he watched the seen unfold impatiently. He could hardly believe the fact that he was about to see first-hand where it was that Voldemort lived, about to witness a ritual of Initiation. Of course, the place where He inhabited would obviously have been made unplotable, but it was still invaluable information. Priceless. He stared at the man before him with a slight frown, perhaps this was the price then? He shook his head, but the contract was signed, and it was no use wasting the knowledge when nothing could be done to turn back the past.

_The four of them apparated in front of a large manor. It was encircled by high walls of rough stone, the gates wrought in handsome black iron which glinted in the moonlight. Lucius strode forwards and tapped the heavy lock with his wand, bursting it open as a greenish light shot from his wand. The flash illuminated the hooded creatures, which turned out to be Avery and Mcnair. Snape nodded at them coldly and they returned the silent greeting. _

Another two lost ones.

_'If you shall follow me.'_

_Malfoy whispered and walked in, the path leading to the house was illumined slightly by eerie green lights which seemed to be coming from floating skulls, rather deformed ones. Dark, looming trees swayed their branches towards them like gnarled hands. They reached the thick, wooden doors and found them to be already open, leading the way into the darkened interior. A blood red carpet beneath their feet, a collection of paintings on the walls framed in gold and silver and chandeliers casting pale light from the high ceiling. _

The old man felt slightly sickened by the display of macabre decorations, the monstrous skulls and gruesome portraits. Then again, what could be expected of a man (if he could still be called a man) who had committed so many crimes and continued to fight his way unceasingly for the dominance of all. For he strove to have power over all, perhaps the most ambitious Slytherin ever to attend Hogwarts, Tom Riddle, one who seeked to conquer even Death. And Merlin forbid he manage to do so.

_'You shall be called.'_

_Lucius said quietly and passed through a black door. The three of them stared around, the silence stifling like a mantle of dust. After what seemed like hours a figure cloaked in black and wearing a white mask beckoned Avery forward. Silence. Then a cry and more silence. The person emerged again and bent a gloved finger for Snape to follow him. He passed through the door._

_It was an ample circular room, lighted only by a couple of sputtering blue torches. The room was bare, except for a throne-like seat that met the eye as soon as one crossed through the ominous black door, about a dozen hooded figures formed a circle slightly smaller than the room. _

_'Severus Ignatius Snape.'_

_A harsh voice broke through the silence and Snape took a few steps forwards and knelt before Voldemort, head bowed._

_'Come forward my friend...'_

_The Dark Lord hissed. Severus moved closer, until Voldemort extended a hand and pulled his chin up to gaze at his face. His face was nearly chalk-white, glowing red eyes with cat-like slits for pupils. He withdrew his hand after a few minutes of contemplation and waved lazily._

He could distinguish the peculiar flicker of intensity, the special fire which burned behind the eyes when performing Legilimancy. With a grim smile Albus pondered how he could be horrified by the bestialities of the house when it's own inhabitant was an insane monster. He hated Voldemort, naturally, for all the harm he had done and was currently doing to the world. But he also felt a deep seated kind of pity for Tom Riddle, for the fact that a brilliant child had been ensnared by evil since the beginning of his days.

_A tall, imposing man cloaked in blood-red and wearing a black mask behind which only his glittering eyes were visible came forward, carrying a silver dagger in his hand._

_'Extend your left arm.'_

_He ordered, and Snape complied. His robes were pushed up and the shining blade pressed to his forearm, a trickle of blood blossomed on his pearly skin and trickled down his wrist. The tip of Voldemort's wand touched the cut as the other Death Eater walked back._

_'Morsmodre.'_

_Snape gasped as the Dark Mark appeared in glowing red in his arm, then bit his lip. The skull continued glowing red until Voldemort pressed his tip upon it once more and it faded to black. _

He assumed they chose to leave free the wand arm and was certain the blood was necessary to create the powerful bond between Voldemort and his servants. It seemed to him more like a slave bond, a chain linked forever around the Death Eater's neck, although his followers most likely saw it as a privilege to be connected to Him in any way. Albus inspected the present-day Snape closely and noticed, bringing forth a small frown of concern, that the young man was viciously (and apparently unconsciously) rubbing the place where the Dark Mark had just been burned into his skin in the memory.

_'Welcome Severus Snape to the Dark Lord's Death Eaters.'_

_Severus bowed and pressed his lips to the hem of Voldemort's robes._

_'May your loyalty never waver Severusssss.'_

_He hissed, eyes locking with Snape's and finally stretching his lipless mouth in an unpleasant smile._

_'Never. **My Lord.'**_

Dumbledore smiled somewhat grimly at the irony of the situation, watching as Severus mimicked his expression and continued embedding his nails into his forearm. He was aware suddenly that his excitement had faded away to be replaced by a melancholic sadness at the many broken things of their world.

_SssssssS_

_Half a dozen cloaked and masked figures stood before a white, plain house. The street was deserted apart from the occasional rumble of a distant car. _

_'The Little Muggles were Sleeping, as Death arrived at their door and they didn't hear, the swish and flick of Doom. Filthy stupid Muggles, wake up for Death, don't keep her waiting.'_

_Bellatrix recited softly in a singsong voice before letting out a cackle of laughter and throwing off her mask to reveal glinting eyes and a wide, slightly insane smile._

An acute sense of foreboding combined with dread filled him suddenly and he had to fight the urge to break the connection for the second or was it third? time since he had commenced the spell. But he could not of course, he had wished to see this with his own eyes and it was impossible to back out now.

_Lucius agreed with an appraising smirk of approval and pointing at the handsome white door burst it open with an explosion of wood splinters. They passed through the door as two muggles came running, a man with sleep-messed black hair and a pretty blonde woman who screamed as she saw them._

_'Silencio!'_

_One of the Death Eaters called and the woman fell silent, though her mouth was still open in a scream._

_'What're you doing here? Who are you? What do you want from us?'_

_The man shouted angrily, fear flickering in his eyes as Dolohov laughed from beneath his mask._

_'Nosy little muggle you are, eh? Imperio!'_

_As the ray of light hit him he began banging his head against the floor, screaming hoarsely. _

Dumbledore steeled himself, unconsciously straightening in his chair and smoothing his beard in preparation for what was sure to be an unpleasant sight.

_The woman was watching her husband with terrified eyes, sobbing silently she backed to a corner. Suddenly, as blood began trickling down his forehead, something flickered in the woman's eyes and she began rising slowly from the floor. Bellatrix noticed and her grin widened._

_'Well, I better wake the children for our little party. It would be very mean not to let them participate.'_

His determination wavered slightly as he heard the sweetly mocking words of the witch, but the memory continued to unravel unperturbed as did his careful inspection of the events.

_She stated sweetly. The woman bolted from the room and through a corridor, Bellatrix streaked after her, followed a moment later by Snape and a couple of more Death Eaters. They reached a room painted with pastel blue colors and little clouds and saw she was desperately scooping up one of her children while another older one woke groggily. With a bang like a gunshot the woman was thrown against the wall, blood flowing down her face from where her lips had been removed. _

The old man tasted the acrid flavor of vomit in his mouth as he struggled to force down the nausea that was threatening to overpower him while he looked upon the wicked scene. Her lips, he thought horrified, had just been ripped apart.

_'Come little children, don't you want to play?'_

_Bellatrix intoned softly and Crabbe guffawed thickly, grabbing the youngest which looked about three or four by the neck and shaking him roughly._

_'Crucio!'_

_The witch shrieked and watched with a wide, content smile as the little boy howled with pain. _

_'You can take over the other one.'_

He had always known that the Death Eaters had no real objective except their own twisted pleasure when they went "muggle baiting". But seeing Bellatrix Lestrange's insane smile as she tortured the poor child served to wave away any doubt that could have remained in his mind. He felt a sinking feeling in his stomach, as though he had swallowed a large heavy stone at the thought that he had had that woman under his wing at Hogwarts- all of them. All those Death Eaters who were now murderers had once been his students...and he had failed them all, letting them be guided away towards the Dark.

_She told Snape and cast the curse on the child again. Snape eyed the other one with narrowed eyes, he seemed about seven or eight and was standing against the wall, eyes darting from his mother and brother to the door and the hooded creatures before him. Bellatrix let out an impatient cry as the woman ran towards her, eyes streaming with tears and tried to claw off Bellatrix with her nails. _

_'Accio eyeballs!'_

_And two bloody orbs shot towards the door, and into Narcissa's hands. She tossed them at the boy, who dodged them with a yell._

_'You've always been very messy Bella.'_

Horror crept down his back, it's nails seeming to scratch in a way which made his skin crawl with goose bumps, though he managed to suppress a shudder. He averted his eyes from the woman's empty sockets and concentrated on watching his future spy.

_She said in a dignified way. The seven year old lunged forwards abruptly, a bat clutched between his hands and swung towards Narcissa who let out a small shriek._

_'Impedimenta!'_

_Snape hissed and he fell with a thud against the closet. Mrs.Malfoy eyed him silently and then gave him a small smile._

_'Crucio.'_

_They hissed at the same time and watched as the child screamed, sobbing, his mother banging blindly against the walls as she fought to get to her sons. _

The poor boy, Dumbledore thought sadly.

_Dolohov and the others which had stayed in the hall ran in, _

_'Come on, we've stayed here too long.'_

_Lucius told them all hurriedly._

_'Avada Kedavra!'_

_Goyle grunted and the woman fell dead. Bellatrix killed hers after giving him an obscene kiss on the tear-stained cheek._

_'Come on Snape. Your first one?'_

_Snape stared at the sobbing boy. His hair was messy and black, his eyes though obscured with tears could almost be called hazel in the pale light of the moon._

He watched carefully as Snape hesitated, a few seconds which seemed to contain an eternity of doubt before being broken abruptly. Before the young man was definitely cloaked in the darkness he would wear for the next two years and which even now clung to him though in tatters.

_'Avada Kedavra!'_

_And he was dead. _

Albus felt tears stinging behind his half-moon glasses, although he truly was not sure whether he was weeping for the death of that muggle family he had just witnessed or for that final loss of innocence in Severus Snape; or perhaps for the sheer horror of watching those who were once his students as the murderers they had become.

_They ran outside._

_'Morsmordre.'_

_Severus cast the Dark Mark into the air, which floated sparkling green in the air as the sirens sounded nearer. They dissaparated._

He noticed the slight flush in Snape's cheeks and the strange glitter in his eyes, reflecting the Dark Mark he had just cast into the night sky, a green beacon of death hovering over the ravaged house.

_SssssssssSss_

_'I hadn't had so much fun with muggle baiting in a while.'_

_Bellatrix sighed happily as they sank into the dense armchairs in Malfoy's living room. _

_'Yes, that was particularly enjoyable.'_

_Lucius said as he glanced at the newly initiated and smirked, taking a sip of his champagne_

_'A good omen perhaps.'_

_Crabbe and Goyle snickered appreciatively._

_'A toast.'_

_Narcissa pronounced, leaning forward, now clothed in a deep velvety blue dress._

_'To the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters.'_

_Antonin growled lifting his glass. All around they all raised their cups._

_'To the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters.'_

Dumbledore sighed sorrowfully, with a slightly resigned air. How he wished they would all turn back! He would taken them all in, clean them of their sins as best he could and keep then safe in the Light. But he knew in the depth of his heart that they would not, Snape had turned back, but he knew his hopes were mostly in vain and the possibility of any repenting was scarce. He watched with a mixture of pity and sadness as the young man before him slid down his chair, eyes squeezed tightly and echoing his morose sigh.


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: I wish..in vain.

Note: Sorry for the long delay, I've been rather busy. Anyways, this is the last "memory" chapter in Snape's POV. By the way, **Natsume, **Snape gave himself in to Dumbledore _before_ the Potter's death... Thanks a lot for all the wonderful reviews, most encouraging. I hope you enjoy this one, even if it's rather strange(if I may say so myself) and if you do, please continue reviewing. Thanks.

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_

_The room was dark and messy, the air heavy with dust intermingled with the poignant smell of alcohol. Glass shards and broken bottles littered the ashes of the empty fire grate. A dark figure could be distinguished, lying on the couch, clutching a half-empty bottle of whisky and snoring slightly. His eyes opened suddenly, darting around the shadows nervously. Two white, bony hands descended upon his shoulder in a vice like grip, fingers twitching as though eager to slide up to his neck and strangle him. _

_'Ah, you've come back have you?'_

He had not been very surprised to find the state of disrepair the house had fallen in after he had left, nor had he truly cared. As it had been nothing but the reminder of the nightmare he had experienced within it's walls. His father had sunk lower into his alcoholism, and only one house-elf had remained to take care of the cooking and little else.

_Sibilius drawled, disentangling himself and struggling up, swaying slightly as he surveyed his son through dull eyes. _

_'Come back for money? Or perhaps for a beating, you missing them?'_

_Snape wore a mask-like expression though his eyes were glittering sinisterly; his hands twitching and trembling and a vein pulsing rapidly in his throat._

_'Actually, I just came to see you one last time.'_

_'Are you dying then? You were always a sickly little thing.' _

Snape felt his upper lip curl in disgust and anger. If he had been so sickly, as his father claimed, it had been his own fault. A small part of himself was actually started he had managed to survive all those years with the abusing, heartless imbecile; especially after she had abandoned him.

_The man asked indifferently._

_'No.' Severus replied shortly. 'You're the one who will be leaving.'_

_Sibilius raised his hand as though to throw the bottle at him when it fell to the floor with a sickening thud, blood gushing from his severed wrist. A dense silence descended, disrupted only by the trickle of blood and sudden low, guttural laughter as a cloaked figure seemed to emerge from the shadows, wielding a bloody axe. Sibilius gasped finally and let out a strangled moan as he fell to his knees, clasping his stump._

He grinned, but it was without mirth and somewhat unpleasant. His insides writhing as though burning snakes were traveling through his veins and setting alight his blood until it boiled. Vengeance had been sour; in a way both acid and acrid, like the taste of vomit in his mouth as nausea engulfed him and he struggled to force it down.

_'Would you like to meet my new friends?'_

_Severus asked pleasantly, his bitter anger betrayed only by his ghostly white knuckles as he gripped his wand tightly. _

Lucius had offered to accompany him, as it had been he himself who had suggested it after all- had used it as the first incentive to cajole him into joining the Death Eaters. And he had brought Mcnair along, seeing as he was rough and without any kind of scruples, always eager to brandish his admired weapons.

_'More slimy, worthless brats like yourself?'_

_He said, the words slurring with pain as he squinted at them. Lucius stepped forwards, eyebrows raised in amusement, though when he spoke his voice was cold and menacing._

_'Are you insulting me sir?_

_'Why yes, I am, if you're a friend of my good for nothing son.'_

_'Well, father I found something I am really quite good at.'_

_Snape reached inside him robes and extracted a small vial filled with a plain looking dark green potion. Mcnair grabbed the older man's jaw and forced it open roughly, Severus tipped in the contents swiftly. Sibilius doubled over, a scream forcing it's way through his throat, tears spilling down his sallow face. _

Who had been true weakling, in the end? When Sibilius had taken on but a child, with no way to defend himself.

_'That was just a simple pain potion. Now this one...' Severus shook another vial of clear turquoise potion, glimmering like thousands of microscopic pieces of glass liquefied. 'This one has a rather interesting effect.'_

That was a potion he was particularly fond of, modified from the original he had once discovered in one of the countless books of Dark Magic he had read through the years. Instead of only the sensation, the effects were real, although the pain was greater than the true injury.

_Sibilius screamed as black flames enveloped his body after consuming the potion, his skin seemed to be melting before his very eyes which were dulling with pain. Snape watched silently, his face impassive, though his hands were trembling so violently he dropped the empty vials which burst in showers of glass at his feet. _

_'That didn't hurt so badly, did it?'_

_He said finally, pointing his wand at the shaking form at his feet. He kicked it viciously, his breathing growing more excited as his father writhed agonizingly at his feet._

_'Nothing can repay nearly seventeen years of pain.'_

It had been a strange feeling; he had certainly been pleased to see his father at his feet, to see him being the one to writhe on the floor, to see the fear in his eyes instead of the reflection of his own. But he had also felt a sort of frustration and unquenchable rage, that he would only be suffering this once, for a few days at most. When he had been battered and hurt for years, broken... and nothing could change that.

_He whispered, igniting the bleeding stump like a grisly, macabre torch. _

_'Severus, son...I'm your father, please.'_

_The man rasped, gripping the hem of Snape's robes, the burnt skin seeming to peel and fall apart._

_'Are you begging, **Daddy? **Crucio.'_

_'Now, what to do with you..' Severus said, still holding the curse. A horrible smile crept on his face, he jerked his wand upwards and kicked his father._

_'Get up.'_

_He hissed, pulling him up by the scorched hair. They walked to an old black door, Snape threw his father down the dark staircase and into the dungeon after another bout of Cruciatus. _

_'I learnt to hold onto the rail, **Dad.'**_

_Lucius snickered while Sibilius crawled back up._

_'S-someone w-will find me...'_

_He stuttered._

_'I don't think so, no will notice you're gone.. And even if they do- I don't think anyone would care.'_

_He shut the door in his father's face and locked it. _

Sibilius was still there for all he knew. His slowly decaying body, it's putrid flesh probably consumed by worms and rats. Severus found he couldn't care less.

_SsSsSsSsSsSs_

_'Erm...sir, where should I leave this?'_

_A young woman, barely above eighteen entered the dungeons, levitating several packages before her. She cast a slightly fearful glance at Snape and fidgeted nervously in place as Severus surveyed her silently. He looked unkempt and somehow older, pale with dark shadows under his eyes and hollowed cheekbones. _

_'You may leave them there.'_

_He said finally before turning his back on her and bending down over the cauldron he had been working at. She set them down where he had indicated and went towards the door, her head bowed. Severus walked to a wooden table and carefully selected what appeared to be salamander scales when he saw she was still standing at the doorway. _

_'May I help you with anything else?'_

_Snape asked her politely, though his tone was cold and sharp. The woman bit her lip and coughed uncomfortably._

_'I was told to... offer my services in any way you may desire, sir.'_

_She said after a few moments, blushing furiously. Snape raised an eyebrow and smirked, his eyes traveled from her crown of coppery hair to the hem of her robes. _

_'Be here at ten.'_

The Dark Lord had done that frequently, he found it amusing to send the ingredients and materials with some of the younger and stupider of his supporters, eager for acceptance. He found it somewhat degrading, but he could not deny he had taken the services offered occasionally.

_He said indifferently and returned to his work. The girl nodded and cast another glance at Snape._

_'At least it's not Mcnair.'_

_She muttered to herself as she left._

He could easily guess the reason she had been relieved, Mcnair was known for rather bloody and rough encounters.

_SsSsSsSsSs_

_There was a tense silence in the room. Voldemort sat in his throne-like chair, surveying a cloaked figure which was kneeling at his feet._

_'The potions failed, Severus. They were useless, worthless. Do you understand what that means?'_

_The high-pitched voice asked, the red eyes flashing with anger. Snape did not raise his bowed head._

_'I have analyzed the potions, Master and-'_

Severus felt his eyes stinging beneath his closed eyelids as he fought his own tears of relief. Dumbledore had passed through memories of attacks, of celebrations of victorious poisonings and, most importantly, the torture and death of his old Potion teacher in which he had been a witness. It was enough that these memories would haunt his dreams forever, wasn't it? A heavy weight that would lie on his mind, crushing it. A thorny vine that wound around his heart, tearing it.

_'Crucio.'_

_He was interrupted as Voldemort suddenly pointed his wand at him and watched through merciless eyes as Severus hands clenched into fists and he seemed to fold into himself with the pain, a quiet, strangled moan escaping him. The Dark Lord grinned unpleasantly before lifting the spell._

_'Continue.'_

_He ordered calmly, though he still looked quite wrathful. The Death Eaters around them were standing stock-still, cloaked and hooded._

_'I have come to the conclusion they failed because some of the ingredients were not adequate. The oak roots were-'_

_His voice died in his throat as he was hit with the curse once more. His knuckles whitening, muscles contracted painfully as he fought to remain silent though a keening moan issued forth from his clenched jaw._

_'were- ' he went on breathlessly, ' old and the tarantula blood was rancid.'_

_'Why did you not notice this before?'_

_Snape swallowed nervously, but raised his eyes to Voldemort's._

_I believe they were somehow charmed, my Lord. I assure you, and hope I have given you enough proof of my abilities, that I would have noticed had they been handed to me unmagicked.'_

_Voldemort did not respond, staring at Snape thoughtfully._

It was the truth, of course, and the Dark Lord had already known. It had been one of his cunningly set traps, subtle attempts to reveal any possible spies within his midst. And now he would be returning as a real one, a traitor.

_Without warning he sent a jet of green light towards one of the cloaked figures who fell to the floor dead, her coppery hair escaped from the within the hood and glassy eyes open in shock stared at the high ceiling. _

_'May it be left clear I do not tolerate incompetence. Nor will I tolerate anyone trying to deceive me.'_

_He said softly, his tone icy. _

_'Retrieve the body.'_

_SsSsSsSsSs_

_'Severus, are you alright?'_

_Lucius Malfoy asked, with just a hint of concern coloring his voice, gray eyes searching black in the sallow face. Snape nodded absently and stared at the door he had been about to open, it held a little wooden plaque announcing it's inhabitant in crooked, sloppy handwriting. He turned the handle and pushed the door open, as he entered the room he felt something crush beneath his boot and looked down. It was a porcelain doll with skin the color of pearls and rosy cheeks, glassy blue eyes and golden curls. Malfoy was bending over a cradle, which turned out to hold nothing but a baby doll. Severus inspected the room swiftly and with a knowing smirk walked towards the closet. He slid the door open and looked down at the girl, she looked about six-years old, almost like the living doll he had stepped on. With rosy cheeks, her face flushed even further with fear and her desperate weeping. Glassy blue eyes crowned by golden lashes stared up at him, swimming with tears as she sobbed and hiccoughed, drenching her brown fluffy teddy-bear. _

_He raised his wand, but his lips remained still. His eyes were locked on hers, they suddenly darted to a point just above his shoulder. A jet of green light illuminated his face and landed on the girl who hit the wall of the closet with a dull thud before lying completely still. Snape did not move, his eyes still gazing into hers, though the tears were congealed and held no life. Lucius Malfoy shook him by the shoulder, unusually bewildered. _

_'Severus. Come on, there's no one left in the house, let's go.'_

_Snape jerked away as though he had been burned and stared at Malfoy, but his eyes were vacant. _

_'Yes. Let's go.'_

_He agreed suddenly, shaking his head and ignoring the confusion reflected on the blonde man's countenance. _

He didn't know why it had affected him in that way; it had been no different from the usual raids. He had murdered before, he had already seen muggles with the same ignorant gaze, that had understood their sudden deaths no more than she had. And yet, as he had gazed upon her face... it had been different somehow. Her tears seeming to cut into him like crystal blades. Snape was rather astounded to notice now how little he had actually been contemplating the child, it had appeared much longer to him then. As his mind raced ahead and the veil that had obscured his thoughts and conscious finally slid away from his eyes.

_SsSsSsSsSsSs_

_The bright yellow light of a lamp post filtered through the shutters, flickering as the bulb threatened to extinguish. The room was dreary; dull gray wallpaper, damp, ripped and cracked at the corners. The only furniture was a broken-down closet with musty old wood, a table of rusting iron and a lumpy bed with tattered green sheets._

The Hog's Head as a rather disreputable place, but it had been the best he had been able to arrange after leaving his father. It was lowly and dirty, perfect for him anyways. He had sometimes spent the night in Voldemort's dungeons or occasionally in Malfoy's Manor, but he had usually preferred to come here when his cureless insomnia lost the battle to sleep.

_A metal gleam shone through the room as Snape played with a knife, sliding the blade lightly over his pale skin as he lay on the bed. He positioned it over his wrists, his eyes were glittering as he stared unblinkingly at the ceiling. _

_'Dead, dead, dead...'_

_He muttered quietly, his impassive expression unwavering._

_'Black roots have taken hold, feeding on blood from the poisoned heart.'_

_The whisper seemed to meld as though dust with the air in the room, he blinked once. _

_'Fettering wounds, bleeding scars... corpses in the shadows.'_

_The light caught on the glass of numerous alcohol bottles that littered the floor, growls and grunts were heard suddenly from the adjacent room, something banging onto the wall. Snape tensed at the noise, a fearful look coming over his eyes which darted around the room. Silence fell once more after a vicious snarl._

After months of denying himself; of attempting to pull the blindfold over his eyes once more, to cover his ears against the ceaseless murmuring of his conscious. He was a murderer, had spilt innocent blood and he had just taken one step lower as he took to drinking like his father. He was drunk in this memory, he remembered clearly. He had not drunk since that night, however.

_'Filthy. Dirty. Murderer...' he paused, his voice breaking abruptly, 'Murderer.' he repeated._

_He increased the pressure of the knife, which bit into his skin, bright red droplets of blood blossoming on the nearly translucent pale skin. His veins throbbing as his fingers twitched, he led the blade to his neck. His breathing became harsher._

_'Worse than dead already... Dead, dead, dead...'_

_He whispered feverishly, knuckles white as his grip on the knife tightened. He threw the knife across the room; it hit the wall and fell to the floor with a clatter. Severus took a deep breath, although slightly ragged which turned into a dry sob. His eyes closed tight as he fought the tears which threatened to spill from his eyes._

_'Dead...'_

_He rasped, gripping his hair in a convulsive moment._

_'Then why does it hurt so?'_

_Snape rolled to a side and curled up, his finger nails digging into his scalp as the lamp outside went out enveloping the room in darkness._

That night in which he had seeked the easy escape that death poised: away from guilt and pain. But he had managed to resist, he had not commited suicide. He did not regret it, in a way, for this was his only chance to redeem himself- and he did not think he would last long as a spy, anyways. But if he could help, his death was too low a price; his life or death were worth nothing, but his services as a spy did, and he had to be alive to perform them.

_SsSsSsSsSsSsssS_

_The streets were empty as silvery sheets of rain clashed noisily with tiled roofs, dark except for the dim, watery lights that shone through closed windows. Snape strode aimlessly, water dripping from his hair and soaking his cloak. He walked with his head bowed, stumbling as numb feet struggled against the chill, wet wind. _

_'Azkaban, Dementor's Kiss...'_

_He mumbled, coming to a sudden stop. He stood still for a few moments, the rain drumming against his figure, the hem of his robes immersed in the puddle of water. Snape took a few steps and dropped onto the nearest bench. _

_'Anything has to be better than this.'_

Snape let out a sighing hiss, this was a day before he had come here. They were nearing the end of the exploration of his mind, and he was inexplicably fearful. He did not wish to look upon those knowing blue eyes, from which now nothing was hidden and which would surely be condemning after what they had seen.

_He suddenly felt something hard pressed against his back and a gloved hand covering his mouth. _

_'Spit out yer money now, quietly. A word an' I'll blow up yer insides, ye hear me?'_

_Snape smirked and laughed hollowly against the rough fingers that covered his lips. The muggle seemed slightly unnerved and hit his side with the gun._

_'Come on.'_

_'Go ahead. I haven't got any money that will be of use to you anyways.'_

He didn't think he'd ever had any muggle money at all.

_Severus spoke as clearly as he could, though it came out slightly muffled. _

_'Don't play with meh, you.'_

_Severus felt a tingling sensation shoot through him as he grew impatient and a loud thud as the man fell behind him. He stood up and gazed at the muggle disdainfully. _

_'Indecision is often deadly.'_

_He told him in a slightly disappointed voice and continued walking down the street, the robber staring back at him with wide, fearful eyes. _

_'The Ministry are a set of incompetents.'_

_He muttered after a while, jerking away from a muggle police car which passed by with it's blinding red and blue lights. He looked up at the sky, noticing suddenly the rain had stopped and a gray, dirty dawn was approaching._

_'Albus Dumbledore. He's the one the Dark Lord fears...most of all... yes...'_

It had seemed (and still did) the perfect decision, to hand the information over to Voldemort's greatest antagonist, the one he feared and hated above all others. Severus gulped as he felt the spell being lifted abruptly and clutched his head as a sudden blinding pain seared through his mind. The blood pounding through his temples was loud and roaring and he felt the nausea that had visited him frequently during the ordeal overcome him completely. He opened his stinging eyes.

'May I use you bathroom?'


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: I wish...in vain.

Note: First of all, thanks for the reviews! I'm not extremely happy with this chapter, just ...parts of it... Anyways, sorry for the "it's" thing, I haven't fixed it, I just realized...There's probably like two chapters left, one of each POV. Hope you enjoy it, and please continue reviewing. Thanks!

_

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_

_The room was dark and messy, the air heavy with dust intermingled with the poignant smell of alcohol. Glass shards and broken bottles littered the ashes of the empty fire grate. A dark figure could be distinguished, lying on the couch, clutching a half-empty bottle of whisky and snoring slightly. His eyes opened suddenly, darting around the shadows nervously. Two white, bony hands descended upon his shoulder in a vice like grip, fingers twitching as though eager to slide up to his neck and strangle him. _

_'Ah, you've come back have you?'_

_Sibilius drawled, disentangling himself and struggling up, swaying slightly as he surveyed his son through dull eyes. _

_'Come back for money? Or perhaps for a beating, you missing them?'_

_Snape wore a mask-like expression though his eyes were glittering sinisterly; his hands twitching and trembling and a vein pulsing rapidly in his throat._

Dumbledore looked around the room rather morosely, though not at all surprised to find the large dent that decay and neglect had made in the house. As his eyes fell on Severus' father, it was also clear the man had fallen with the house, consumed by his growing alcoholism. The old wizard frowned deeply at the acidic exchange, feeling weary and somewhat sick at the rage and hate that permeated nearly every memory of this youngster who sat before him. His eyes, though now closed, were ever guarded- a black veil to hide the pain, to stifle the agonizing shrieks, to shelter himself from the unknown and untrustworthy world. It was truly sad to see.

_'Actually, I just came to see you one last time.'_

_'Are you dying then? You were always a sickly little thing.' _

_The man asked indifferently._

Sickly? Albus thought wryly. He could not deny the boy's appearance had been somewhat haggard: thin, pale, with greasy dark hair and unnerving black eyes. But considering what he had been forced to endure, he kept his broken pieces together quite well.

_'No.' Severus replied shortly. 'You're the one who will be leaving.'_

_Sibilius raised his hand as though to throw the bottle at him when it fell to the floor with a sickening thud, blood gushing from his severed wrist. A dense silence descended, disrupted only by the trickle of blood and sudden low, guttural laughter as a cloaked figure seemed to emerge from the shadows, wielding a bloody axe. Sibilius gasped finally and let out a strangled moan as he fell to his knees, clasping his stump._

Through the years of fighting against the evil forces, he had inevitably steeled himself against the horrors of torture and untimely death. As it was impossible not to have encountered them in more than a century of turbulent wizarding time, and yet he felt himself recoil slightly at the sight. A twinge of sadness and regret; that the son should torture the father, who had in turn, tortured him for years.

_'Would you like to meet my new friends?'_

_Severus asked pleasantly, his bitter anger betrayed only by his ghostly white knuckles as he gripped his wand tightly. _

_'More slimy, worthless brats like yourself?'_

He had undoubtedly had the closest insight to Severus' life anyone would probably ever get, and though he had come closer to understanding him, he pondered on what truly hid under the dark mask he wore. He had cracked it, undeniably, seen a sliver of the truth. Yet he could not help but wonder; if under that porcelain cover tears were streaming, black with regrets and anger or clear with simple sorrow? If carefully guarded eyes flashed red with pain or decayed in soul's death?

_He said, the words slurring with pain as he squinted at them. Lucius stepped forwards, eyebrows raised in amusement, though when he spoke his voice was cold and menacing._

_'Are you insulting me sir?_

_'Why yes, I am, if you're a friend of my good for nothing son.'_

_'Well, father I found something I am really quite good at.'_

_Snape reached inside him robes and extracted a small vial filled with a plain looking dark green potion. Mcnair grabbed the older man's jaw and forced it open roughly, Severus tipped in the contents swiftly. Sibilius doubled over, a scream forcing it's way through his throat, tears spilling down his sallow face. _

_'That was just a simple pain potion. Now this one...' Severus shook another vial of clear turquoise potion, glimmering like thousands of microscopic pieces of glass liquefied. 'This one has a rather interesting effect.'_

_Sibilius screamed as black flames enveloped his body after consuming the potion, his skin seemed to be melting before his very eyes which were dulling with pain. Snape watched silently, his face impassive, though his hands were trembling so violently he dropped the empty vials which burst in showers of glass at his feet. _

_'That didn't hurt so badly, did it?'_

Albus watched the scene with a grim face. An incredibly raw, hollow feeling in his chest as he saw, close up, to what awful purposes Snape had been putting his indisputable potion genius.

_He said finally, pointing his wand at the shaking form at his feet. He kicked it viciously, his breathing growing more excited as his father writhed agonizingly at his feet._

_'Nothing can repay nearly seventeen years of pain.'_

In that, Dumbledore could not find it in his heart to dispute him. But he also believed in second-chances and redemption, if not, he would not be sitting here with Severus.

_He whispered, igniting the bleeding stump like a grisly, macabre torch. _

_'Severus, son...I'm your father, please.'_

_The man rasped, gripping the hem of Snape's robes, the burnt skin seeming to peel and fall apart._

_'Are you begging, **Daddy? **Crucio.'_

_'Now, what to do with you..' Severus said, still holding the curse. A horrible smile crept on his face, he jerked his wand upwards and kicked his father._

_'Get up.'_

Dread and uncontainable pity came over him as he observed the excited, awful smile- if the usually kind, mirthful expression could be compared to that travesty of momentary insanity and blind hatred- crawl over his face, revealing yellowish teeth and lighting his eyes.

_He hissed, pulling him up by the scorched hair. They walked to an old black door, Snape threw his father down the dark staircase and into the dungeon after another bout of Cruciatus. _

_'I learnt to hold onto the rail, **Dad.'**_

_Lucius snickered while Sibilius crawled back up._

_'S-someone w-will find me...'_

_He stuttered._

_'I don't think so, no will notice you're gone.. And even if they do- I don't think anyone would care.'_

_He shut the door in his father's face and locked it. _

For a moment, Albus felt his blood run cold at the thought, that he had locked his father underground and left him to die. But then, he could not help but wonder if the murder of his own father had come as a relief to Snape, if it eased his pain. He thought it probably didn't.

_SsSsSsSsSsSs_

Dumbledore felt his brow wrinkled in pain as fleeting images crossed mind, of the old Potions Mistress in the acute throes of torture, of pools of blood and flailing limbs and muted screams. He was over going this inspection to judge the worthiness and security of admitting Snape into the Order of the Phoenix, but he would not witness this. He knew, of course, that the young man seated before him shared a bond with the most evil wizard of their times and was a criminal, a murderer. He did not need these memories to prove it. He flipped through them quickly, pausing to select these last few.

_'Erm...sir, where should I leave this?'_

_A young woman, barely above eighteen entered the dungeons, levitating several packages before her. She cast a slightly fearful glance at Snape and fidgeted nervously in place as Severus surveyed her silently. He looked unkempt and somehow older, pale with dark shadows under his eyes and hollowed cheekbones. _

Life as a Death Eater had clearly not favored Snape.

_'You may leave them there.'_

_He said finally before turning his back on her and bending down over the cauldron he had been working at. She set them down where he had indicated and went towards the door, her head bowed. Severus walked to a wooden table and carefully selected what appeared to be salamander scales when he saw she was still standing at the doorway. _

_'May I help you with anything else?'_

_Snape asked her politely, though his tone was cold and sharp. The woman bit her lip and coughed uncomfortably._

_'I was told to... offer my services in any way you may desire, sir.'_

_She said after a few moments, blushing furiously. Snape raised an eyebrow and smirked, his eyes traveled from her crown of coppery hair to the hem of her robes. _

_'Be here at ten.'_

Eyebrows white with age rose in a mixture of surprise and indignation on behalf of the young followers it appeared Voldemort had employed as whores for his more useful Death Eaters. He felt his disappointment increase, which he thought odd for a moment, considering this female degradation seemed pale by comparison to all he now knew about Severus. It was then that he realized the chagrin he felt was aimed truly more at life itself than at the wizard, who had simply chosen wrongly among the thorny pathways life had offered him.

_He said indifferently and returned to his work. The girl nodded and cast another glance at Snape._

_'At least it's not Mcnair.'_

_She muttered to herself as she left._

He did not know exactly what she had meant with that comment, but seeing her obvious relief Mcnair must have had some bad reputation.

_SsSsSsSsSs_

_SsSsSsSsSs_

_There was a tense silence in the room. Voldemort sat in his throne-like chair, surveying a cloaked figure which was kneeling at his feet._

_'The potions failed, Severus. They were useless, worthless. Do you understand what that means?'_

_The high-pitched voice asked, the red eyes flashing with anger. Snape did not raise his bowed head._

_'I have analyzed the potions, Master and-'_

_'Crucio.'_

Albus sighed glumly, blue eyes devoid of their usual merry twinkle as they surveyed the group of cloaked and masked figures. He could not distinguish their identities, but he knew who they were in his heart: former students, once "his children" as he had fondly caught himself referring to them in his mind once or twice. He felt failure, raw and rather painful. Minerva had argued and consoled him more than once, steering his sight to fall upon the triumphs instead. To relish the loving friendship of the Marauders, the bravery and bondage of the Prewett brothers, the kind Longbottoms... The whole Order, who stayed together, bearing candles amid the darkness. But he could not ignore the shining red eyes that glowed through the shadows, the harsh whispers and deathly green light... He could not avoid the fact that he was fighting against his own pupils, wizards and witches who, though children no longer had once been under his tutelage. And he had let them stray, fall into darkness.

_He was interrupted as Voldemort suddenly pointed his wand at him and watched through merciless eyes as Severus hands clenched into fists and he seemed to fold into himself with the pain, a quiet, strangled moan escaping him. The Dark Lord grinned unpleasantly before lifting the spell._

In spite of himself, Dumbledore felt something akin to pity stirring in his chest. Heart beating rapidly in distress as he watched Severus being subjected to the Cruciatus curse once again, although this time in hands of his new Master. His mind berated his heart, however, reminding him harshly that Snape had cast the curse before himself, had tortured and murdered and it was only fair for him to suffer the same.

_'Continue.'_

_He ordered calmly, though he still looked quite wrathful. The Death Eaters around them were standing stock-still, cloaked and hooded._

_'I have come to the conclusion they failed because some of the ingredients were not adequate. The oak roots were-'_

_His voice died in his throat as he was hit with the curse once more. His knuckles whitening, muscles contracted painfully as he fought to remain silent though a keening moan issued forth from his clenched jaw._

_'were- ' he went on breathlessly, ' old and the tarantula blood was rancid.'_

Rather unnerved and disturbed at the manner in which Snape quietly opposed the curse, Dumbledore's mind traveled quickly to the first time the Slytherin had been exposed to the horrid curse- he had shrieked then. But it seemed age and experience had made him more resistant to pain. It was not a happy or comforting idea.

_'Why did you not notice this before?'_

_Snape swallowed nervously, but raised his eyes to Voldemort's._

_I believe they were somehow charmed, my Lord. I assure you, and hope I have given you enough proof of my abilities, that I would have noticed had they been handed to me unmagicked.'_

_Voldemort did not respond, staring at Snape thoughtfully._

Dumbledore eyed the scene suspiciously, finding it strange indeed that Snape would not have noticed that obvious fault in the ingredients, being the expert Potions maker that he was. He also suspected Legilimancy, by the intense state between the two wizards.

_Without warning he sent a jet of green light towards one of the cloaked figures who fell to the floor dead, her coppery hair escaped from the within the hood and glassy eyes open in shock stared at the high ceiling. _

_'May it be left clear I do not tolerate incompetence. Nor will I tolerate anyone trying to deceive me.'_

_He said softly, his tone icy. _

_'Retrieve the body.'_

For a brief moment, Albus could not help but ask himself if he was doing the appropriate thing, sending Severus back into the Death Eater folds as a spy. He had just witnessed Voldemort killing one of his own followers for no apparent reason (although it seemed to him as though He seemed to have known about the ingredients being faulty- perhaps he had set it as a trap? It seemed like something Tom Riddle would do), and it was obvious Voldemort was not worried by the idea of torturing or killing off his followers at whim. Dumbledore dreaded to think what would befall Snape if he was ever discovered as a traitor.

_SsSsSsSsSs_

_Severus, are you alright?'_

_Lucius Malfoy asked, with just a hint of concern coloring his voice, gray eyes searching black in the sallow face. _

Dumbledore was momentarily surprised to hear the subtle hint of sincere concern in Malfoy's usual haughty drawl. Their somewhat unusual relationship and Lucius' cold demeanor had led him to consider friendship and real disinterested feelings above the blonde wizard.

_Snape nodded absently and stared at the door he had been about to open, it held a little wooden plaque announcing it's inhabitant in crooked, sloppy handwriting. He turned the handle and pushed the door open, as he entered the room he felt something crush beneath his boot and looked down. It was a porcelain doll with skin the color of pearls and rosy cheeks, glassy blue eyes and golden curls. Malfoy was bending over a cradle, which turned out to hold nothing but a baby doll. _

A frown crept over his face as he watched the older man, feeling disturbed and rather sad about the fact that Malfoy could have become so perverse and deranged as to even consider harming a baby.

_Severus inspected the room swiftly and with a knowing smirk walked towards the closet. He slid the door open and looked down at the girl, she looked about six-years old, almost like the living doll he had stepped on. With rosy cheeks, her face flushed even further with fear and her desperate weeping. Glassy blue eyes crowned by golden lashes stared up at him, swimming with tears as she sobbed and hiccoughed, drenching her brown fluffy teddy-bear. _

_He raised his wand, but his lips remained still. His eyes were locked on hers, they suddenly darted to a point just above his shoulder. A jet of green light illuminated his face and landed on the girl who hit the wall of the closet with a dull thud before lying completely still. Snape did not move, his eyes still gazing into hers, though the tears were congealed and held no life. Lucius Malfoy shook him by the shoulder, unusually bewildered. _

_'Severus. Come on, there's no one left in the house, let's go.'_

_Snape jerked away as though he had been burned and stared at Malfoy, but his eyes were vacant. _

_'Yes. Let's go.'_

_He agreed suddenly, shaking his head and ignoring the confusion reflected on the blonde man's countenance. _

That must have been the episode Snape had told him about when under the influence of the Veritaserum. Truthfully, Albus could find nothing different in this situation; it was painfully clear he had murdered before, stolen into muggle and wizarding houses alike and experienced what Death Eaters denominated fun. Severus' eyes were veiled, as they nearly always seemed to be; empty, when not filled by anger or hate. And yet for a moment, Albus thought he could distinguish a flicker of deep emotion in the black orbs, a feeling of acute clarity- as though something had clicked and fallen into place.

_SsSsSsSsSsSs_

_The bright yellow light of a lamp post filtered through the shutters, flickering as the bulb threatened to extinguish. The room was dreary; dull gray wallpaper, damp, ripped and cracked at the corners. The only furniture was a broken-down closet with musty old wood, a table of rusting iron and a lumpy bed with tattered green sheets._

Dumbledore recognized the Hog's Head, with it's small rooms with old furniture of undeniable inferior quality to those found in more decent place within Hogsmeade. Undoubtedly dodgy and of bad reputation, it was a frequent meeting place of the more lowly sorts of magical creatures, an excellent place to gather information inconspicuously therefore. Consequently he was not surprised to find it was where Snape had been staying these last years.

_A metal gleam shone through the room as Snape played with a knife, sliding the blade lightly over his pale skin as he lay on the bed. He positioned it over his wrists, his eyes were glittering as he stared unblinkingly at the ceiling. _

_'Dead, dead, dead...'_

_He muttered quietly, his impassive expression unwavering._

He shook his head slightly, silvery white moustache bristling in a mixture of alarm and pity as he watched Snape running the gleaming blade over his flesh, calmly tracing undistinguishable figures that would have been painted red had he put forth but a little more pressure.

_'Black roots have taken hold, feeding on blood from the poisoned heart.'_

_The whisper seemed to meld as though dust with the air in the room, he blinked once. _

_'Fettering wounds, bleeding scars... corpses in the shadows.'_

_The light caught on the glass of numerous alcohol bottles that littered the floor, growls and grunts were heard suddenly from the adjacent room, something banging onto the wall. Snape tensed at the noise, a fearful look coming over his eyes which darted around the room. Silence fell once more after a vicious snarl._

_'Filthy. Dirty. Murderer...' he paused, his voice breaking abruptly, 'Murderer.' he repeated._

Albus closed his eyes for a minute, though the image continued playing in his mind. He wondered what it felt like to have countless murders hanging on your conscience; like a rope wound around you neck, of which you can only loosen the noose but never truly rid yourself of. From the abundance of empty alcoholic beverage containers that polluted the floor and his alarming behavior, it was most likely that Snape was drunk in this memory and though Dumbledore was not truly surprised to see the young man had taken one step lower in the stairs, he could not help but feeling sad that it was so.

_He increased the pressure of the knife, which bit into his skin, bright red droplets of blood blossoming on the nearly translucent pale skin. His veins throbbing as his fingers twitched, he led the blade to his neck. His breathing became harsher._

_'Worse than dead already... Dead, dead, dead...'_

_He whispered feverishly, knuckles white as his grip on the knife tightened. He threw the knife across the room; it hit the wall and fell to the floor with a clatter. Severus took a deep breath, although slightly ragged which turned into a dry sob. His eyes closed tight as he fought the tears which threatened to spill from his eyes._

_'Dead...'_

_He rasped, gripping his hair in a convulsive moment._

_'Then why does it hurt so?'_

_Snape rolled to a side and curled up, his finger nails digging into his scalp as the lamp outside went out enveloping the room in darkness._

The Headmaster passed eagerly onto the last memory, weary. Tired of sorting through the memories of this dementor-like creature who was plagued by tragedy; carrying no candle in the darkness and blind in the light, who wore a mask of frozen black tears seeping blood from it's jagged crack, showering crystal sharp pieces on which he trod without heeding the cuts.

_SsSsSsSsSsSsssS_

_The streets were empty as silvery sheets of rain clashed noisily with tiled roofs, dark except for the dim, watery lights that shone through closed windows. Snape strode aimlessly, water dripping from his hair and soaking his cloak. He walked with his head bowed, stumbling as numb feet struggled against the chill, wet wind. _

_'Azkaban, Dementor's Kiss...'_

_He mumbled, coming to a sudden stop. He stood still for a few moments, the rain drumming against his figure, the hem of his robes immersed in the puddle of water. Snape took a few steps and dropped onto the nearest bench. _

_'Anything has to be better than this.'_

Dumbledore assumed this memory belonged to a day not far from the present one, as Snape had the same (rather intimidating) appearance, similar to a vampire who had not fed in days. It came as unexpected to see him wandering through the muggle world, even more coupled with the pouring rain and wintry season.

_He suddenly felt something hard pressed against his back and a gloved hand covering his mouth. _

_'Spit out yer money now, quietly. A word an' I'll blow up yer insides, ye hear me?'_

_Snape smirked and laughed hollowly against the rough fingers that covered his lips. The muggle seemed slightly unnerved and hit his side with the gun._

_'Come on.'_

_'Go ahead. I haven't got any money that will be of use to you anyways.'_

_Severus spoke as clearly as he could, though it came out slightly muffled. _

_'Don't play with meh, you.'_

_Severus felt a tingling sensation shoot through him as he grew impatient and a loud thud as the man fell behind him. He stood up and gazed at the muggle disdainfully. _

_'Indecision is often deadly.'_

_He told him in a slightly disappointed voice and continued walking down the street, the robber staring back at him with wide, fearful eyes. _

_'The Ministry are a set of incompetents.'_

_He muttered after a while, jerking away from a muggle police car which passed by with it's blinding red and blue lights. He looked up at the sky, noticing suddenly the rain had stopped and a gray, dirty dawn was approaching._

_'Albus Dumbledore. He's the one the Dark Lord fears...most of all... yes...'_

He had probably thrown back the muggle with accidental magic, liberated by his agitation- fortunately he had not made the man explode. With a final nod, he lifted the spell as the memory ended. Flexing his cramped fingers and watching Severus with mounting concern as the young Slytherin's hands flew to his head, skin paler and with a faint tinge of sickly green.

'May I use your bathroom?'


	19. Chapter 19

Disclaimer: FAN-FICTION.

Notes: I'm so, so, so sorry for the long, long, long wait. It's just I've been ever so busy with school... I kept postponing writing with the excuse of "next long weekend"...towards March I wrote part of the chapter but abandoned it till April...and then till July. I considered not continuing the story, for I do see it is terribly exaggerated... But how could I with such encouraging comments I have received! Thanks to all reviewers (to the new and old which still remain) and I sincerely hope you enjoy this chapter.

By the way, there are only one or two chapters left and I hope to finish them before October at the latest.

Once again: thank you, and enjoy!

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_'May I use your bathroom?'_

Severus asked faintly, staring at Dumbledore through the net of multicolored points that adorned his vision.

"Yes, of course, just down the corridor.'

Albus said gravely, motioning for Snape to proceed.

Severus climbed out of his seat, blinking and shaking his head slightly to clear the ringing in his ears as his hands slipped, drenched in cold sweat.

Legs carrying him unsteadily down the corridor he leaned against the wooden door briefly before pushing it open. The bathroom was gloomy, but the bleary winter sunlight filtering through the openings between velvet curtains hurt his eyes. Upon entering he immediately turned around swiftly and locked the door securely behind him. He could see a blurry reflection of himself in a mirror hung on the opposite wall, his skin corpse-like white in the pale sunlight, the rest of his form a black shadow. His mind was in a tumult after the complete exploration of his memories; he could still feel the pressure of the Muggle gun on his back, the cool touch of the blade on his skin, the ringing screams of the Muggle children and the chilling voice of the Dark Lord.

Then, in one awkward and jerky movement he was on his knees, heaving weakly in an attempt to expel the non-existent contents of his stomach. Coughing hoarsely and feeling distinctly lightheaded, Severus bent down until his forehead was resting against the cool marble floor, eyes closed, he breathed raggedly, head still spinning.

He tried to think, but the formation of coherent thoughts was constantly interrupted by painful twinges of his head and haunting echoes that seemed to reverberate through his very skull. Severus felt disoriented, not only physically, but mentally. In the space of a few hours his life had taken a sickeningly violent turn. He would not be receiving the death he had longed for, but would be returning to the folds of the Death Eaters... as a spy.

Ironically, even through the painful and loud pounding of blood in his head and the churning of his stomach, he noticed vaguely that there was a distinctly pleasant aroma of soap, feathers, and somehow, magic, in the air. Dazedly, he turned his mind to more pressing matters. Snape had always possessed a secretive nature, having been forced to lie and conceal certain aspects of his life since a tender age, and he had mastered Occlumency laudably. And yet, this was the Dark Lord he was pretending to fool, a wizard of countless abilities and unimaginable powers. He felt foolish now, having dared to believe once that a semblance of that long-desired peace could be achieved by death, but he had not taken into account a bothersome conscious, and a wish for redemption he had not even known was there before. But when he had come to Dumbledore, in an attempt to right some of his previous wrongs, he had never expected the Headmaster to suggest him a spy. He could discern the usefulness of the ploy with painful clarity; it would be so terribly benefactory to have a spy within the midst of the Dark Lord's inner circle. He did not believe it would tip the balance, which unfortunately was dipping in favor of the Dark side, but it might just help somewhat. The prospect of facing the darkness once more, however, was...frightening. Severus opened his eyes and stared at the marbled floor, where a shaft of early morning sunshine was slowly expanding; he was no stranger to pain, recipient and distributor of it he had had his fair share of both emotional and physical agony; and neither was he a stranger to darkness, witness and participant of some unnatural atrocities his eyes, were ill accustomed to the light. But returning now, now that he had for a few moments believed himself free... He was going back, with the intention of staring right into the Dark Lord's fiery red eyes and lying, concealing...slowly but surely stealing away information. Like a mouse who braves entering the mouth of a snake only to rescue fragmented illusions of his already dead comrades.

But the decision was taken, he would be returning to the Dark Lord that very evening, even if it was with a very different intent than the first time he had bowed before Him. His thoughts strayed through a foggy haze into absurd matters, like how he would manage to brew a successful potion when knowing he was concocting a person's death, or how he would continue eating when his insides were being burned by acid-like guilt. He wondered dimly if Malfoy would notice anything awkward in his behavior, or if perhaps the very moment he looked into the Dark Lord's eyes He would see through the lies with humiliating ease...and then everything would be lost.

Snape made his way down the corridor back towards Dumbledore's office leaning heavily against the wall, the ringing voices fading into oblivion with every unsteady step he took. Upon entering the room, Dumbledore graced him with a kindly, even if small, smile and motioned for him to return to his seat. Severus' eyes traveled over the tray of biscuits and the steaming mug of tea that sat on the table, the smell of sugar and herbs making his head spin even as his stomach clenched and unclenched with long unattended hunger.

"Are you feeling better Severus?"

Dumbledore asked as Snape lowered himself gingerly onto the chair, averting his eyes against the blinding glare of the sunlight reflected on the silver tray. Throat parched and sore from pointless vomiting, Severus hesitated a brief moment before answering.

"Fine, thank you."

He responded finally, even as he felt a throbbing pain stab him in the back of the head, making his vision swim for a heartbeat. The Headmaster surveyed him gravely before the barest shadow of a rather grim smile crossed his face.

"I'm afraid you'd need a few strong glamour charms for that statement to be plausible."

Snape scowled slightly, hands groping in his robes futilely for the comforting presence of his wand before he remembered it was currently in the old man's possession. Chancing a quick glance at the Headmaster Severus saw the wizard was seemingly adding further information to the notes he had begun taking earlier, the wrinkled and yet agile hand flitting across the parchment leaving a trail of graceful ink lettering at it's passing. A drowsy silence reigned in the office for uncounted minutes; the only sounds those of cloth rasping against parchment and the rapid scratch of the feathered quill. Severus' gaze rested on his lap, hands twitching restlessly in an unusual way. Eager to be gone, and yet slightly fearful of doing so. The knowledge that once he crossed the threshold of the Dark Lord's mansion and bent before Him, he would be a spy and there would be no turning back predominant on his mind. Never had he thought he would end up like this. Dead, had been his favorite guess, taking twisted delight in imagining different scenarios of a tragic premature death; he had envisioned himself in prison, a vagabond... and even, on the rare occasions when he had been feeling especially bold, he had dared to hope that he would somehow achieve fame and glory as a renown Potions Master, and in later years, as a Master of the Dark Arts. But never had he imagined he would become a spy.

"Your tea is getting cold."

Albus' voice broke through the silence, shattering his thoughts and making him start in surprise.

"I'm not hungry."

Severus stared quickly, the mere thought of eating making his stomach writhe, although if it was with longing or disgust he could not ascertain.

Dumbledore gazed at him calmly, quill still held pensively between gnarled fingers, his unwavering stare making Snape uncomfortable.

"You cannot go on indefinitely without eating."

The old wizard still finally, his blue eyes still fixed on the young wizard before him. Severus gave a small sigh, wanting nothing more than to collapse in a bed after a cupful of the Draught of Living Death. He was weary. Deciding that any further protest was futile, he extended a bony hand and picked up the lukewarm tea, cursing to himself as he brought the cup haltingly to his lips, hand trembling slightly.

"We must speak about the next step of action."

Snape nodded before taking a small sip of the tea, which he could very nearly feel burning down his throat even though it was barely warm, finally settling in his stomach. The acrid taste of vomit filled his mouth and an acute pain in his insides made him double over slightly, hands trembling worse than ever so that a few drops of tea spilled, trickling rapidly down the porcelain cup.

"But I think it wise that we put aside the conversation until you are rested."

"I am fine."

Severus insisted, reluctantly reaching for a biscuit as Dumbledore waved aside his words and motioned at the sweets encouragingly. He took a bite, the taste of ginger making him wonder when he had eaten his last sweet; he found he could not recall.

"As soon as you are finished eating I shall lead you to a room, where you'll be able to take a bath and afterwards sleep. I shall proportion you with a Dreamless Sleep potion."

The Headmaster informed him, the finality in his tone was clear, no protestation was valid. Snape had no option but to nod in submission and take another biscuit.

sSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSs

Snape followed Dumbledore hesitantly through the carved wooden door, wincing slightly as shafts of bleary sunlight hit sensitive eyes. Momentarily dazzled and still victim to a persistent headache which had not yet abated, Severus leant weakly against the doorway, letting his hair fall on his face as a shield against the assaulting light. Through the curtain of black hair he watched as the Headmaster reached into his flowing robes and extracted a small vial filled with clear purple potion.

"Here is the potion."

Albus said, setting it on the bedside table. Severus nodded vaguely, even though the old wizard's back was turned to him, and the small movement made his head pound fiercely. Dumbledore turned around, and eyed him critically for a few moments, his eyes thoughtful but not unkind.

"Rest, we shall talk afterwards."

His voice was gentle, somehow soothing, and yet it only made Snape uncomfortable, a feeling of unworthiness enveloping him, reminding him that he was unworthy of such kind treatment.

"If you need anything the house elves will attend you."

Were his last words before he was gone, in a whirl of colored robes and silver hair, the door shutting behind him with a snap.

Snape sighed passing a hand over his eyes shakily before making his way across the room towards the windows. He gazed outside for a few minutes; the world painted in different shades of watery gray, with a bleak yellowish sun casting wane light on still snow and swaying trees in the distance. Leaning against the glass panes he could feel the reverberation of the chill wind blowing just outside, even though its howl was muted to a hiss.

The air within the room felt strangely heavy, oppressive in its stillness and dusty silence. Feeling a sudden desire for cool wind he searched for the window latch, only to find it would not open. Severus reached into his robes impatiently, fingers aching for the feel of wood and the comforting warmth of magic, before he remembered once again that his wand was yet with Dumbledore, who had not returned it. The fact was frustrating. He felt vulnerable and hopeless without it. Pulling the curtains closed angrily he stood still, breathing heavily and staring moodily at the opposite wall. Limbs suddenly weak he collapsed in a heap of black robes on the floor, the thick carpet muffling his fall.

"What am I doing?"

He whispered softly at the empty room, mind reeling with thoughts that seemed to blur into an empty blank. Letting his head fall forwards with a dull thud on the carpeted floor he closed his eyes wearily, the dark crimson of the rug bringing to mind the unpleasant image of a Gryffindor banner drenched in fresh blood. Unbidden a curse came to his lips at the thought of the locked windows, the lonely whistle of air that slipped through the glass panes making him think of underground dungeons where the only breath of fresh air slithers beneath the rotten wood of an unbudging door, only to mix with the reek scent of decay and pain and imprisonment that governs the cell. Severus was shaking his head slightly in an attempt to expel from his mind the shadows of hallucination when a high voice spoke suddenly very near his ear.

"Is sir being alright?"

Snape raised his head and found himself staring straight into the protruding green eyes of a house elf, its carrot-like nose a hair's breadth from his face. Severus nodded and lifted himself from the floor, eyeing the unblinking creature warily.

"What is sir wanting to drink with potion?"

The elf, presumably a female, asked with a benign smile, usually reserved for mischievous toddlers.

"Tea, milk, juice..."

She continued at the lack of response, ears twitching with every drink named.

"Water is fine."

Snape answered dryly, walking towards the bathroom. The creature frowned, lips set in a pout as her ears drooped.

"Very wells sir." With an extravagant courtesy and a flick of her fingers a jug of water appeared in the air before her, ready to be caught between thin yet strong arms and set on the bedside table along with a cup.

"Sir may call Wooty if he be needing anything."

Wooty said with another bucktoothed smile and then promptly disappeared with a crack. Severus stared at the empty space which had mere seconds ago been occupied by an elf, a strange sensation arising in his chest, reminding him of lighter air and brighter suns which did not burn, of popping green and red bubbles; though he could not name it.

The bathroom was comfortably gloomy, a flickering candle burning low the only source of light. He discovered with some surprise that a bath had already been prepared for him, the water pleasantly warm and accompanied by a vague smell of cool lavender. Unrobing himself he stepped into the bathtub, a hand on the stone wall to steady himself, sighing involuntarily at the feeling of water on his feet.

Lathering himself slowly with soap he watched as narrow pathways of clearer skin were revealed; alcohol, dirt and dust encompassed in each individual drop of soapy water. Snape lowered himself into the cooling water, a distinct taste of bitterness in his mouth as he contemplated the tattoo on his arm. Impossible to hide, like a great blot of black ink on virgin paper. A symbol (of darkness, of power, of hate), a brand (of fealty- of servitude, slavery), a scar (irremovable, torn illusions, still bleeding). He raked his nails through the mark, an absurd urge to tear the skin away lurking in his mind, trying to remember when the canvas was white and the paint was not blood.

SsSsSsSsSsSsS

Snape raised the goblet to his nose, sniffing at the contents warily before taking a sip. The potion was bitter, leaving a foul after taste that was not washed away except by copious amounts of water. Draining the cup with two smooth gulps Severus lay on the bed. The painful pounding of blood easing slightly as his head came into contact with a soft feather pillow.

As he closed his eyes, his mind surrendered to sleep with embarrassing ease, shutting down completely in the matter of seconds.

He found himself suddenly standing on a stony path, disoriented, his gaze wandered- although he saw nothing but black shadows over a gray background. He began walking, purposefully (although he could not explain where he was headed), the rough stones cutting into the skin of his feet as he made his way down the pathway. Weary, after what seemed like countless hours, he stumbled, halting his fall somewhat with his hands. Shaking his hair out of his face, the stinging in his hands faded from his mind as his eyes fell on the abyss before him, dark and yet illuminated with a sinister green light that seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere. A chill wind blew fiercely around him, whip-like on his skin. A faint cry drifted from his feet, where rotten skeletons pulled at his robes insistently. He did not try to fight them; the abyss would bring pain, but one that could be born- unseeing, unthinking, unfeeling- a dull torture with closed eyes and empty mind. Startled as warm breath tickled at his ear, he whirled around. Dancing green eyes met his.

"Don't be daft, Severus."

Lily said, a good-natured laugh following her comment. He turned back towards the darkness.

"You don't understand." he muttered angrily.

She threw her arms around his chest and embraced him.

"You should have shown me." She whispered, her lips ghosting over his cheek. He raised a hand to cover one of hers, but she was gone. Her words still echoing eerily as they drifted away with the wind.

He was sitting on the floor, gray plaster walls trembling every few seconds with what seemed to be the pounding of dozens of fists.

"Let me in." Lucius called.

Severus shook his head. A strike of a cane; once, twice... at the third he jumped to his feet and lunged at the assaulter's throat. His fingers closed around a pale white neck, but instead of gray, black eyes not unlike is own stared back at him maliciously from behind a white mask.

"You'll never be free."

His father spat at him, while pushing him back with extraordinary force. Severus crashed against the wall, and went right through it, to land in a heap on the marble floor just before the throne of the Dark Lord. Spider like hands reached forwards to pull his hair, forcing him to look up, black eyes locking with red.

"Don't."

He hissed. A hooded creature approached from a corner, carrying a silver blade the gleamed in the torchlight. The dagger was cold against his skin, the torrent of blood that washed forth warm. A mocking laugh came from the depths of the hood. "Black!"

He snarled, but only an incomprehensible gurgle arose.

"I told you not to listen to them."

Lily reprimanded him, frowning from a corner where Potter stood, his arms around her. She rested her head on his chest, seemingly unable to see the wand he held at her back, pointing directly at her heart.

"You shouldn't be seeing this."

His mother's authoritarian voice cut through the dense roar of the blood pounding in his temples. He fought to bring into focus the woman who stood before him, her eyes cruel and hard as she stared at his bleeding form. The Dark Lord laughed his twisted, evil cackle whilst he burned the Dark Mark on his chest.

Released from the grip of the wizard, Severus crawled away, holding a hand to his bleeding throat.

"Child, don't you wish to hear the silence?"

Severus lifted his eyes from the dew-covered grass, his eyes focusing with difficulty on a glittering white beard and purple cloak embossed with golden stars and moons before rising to twinkling blue sapphires. Dumbledore was seated on high throne, that appeared to be made of pure light, a burning phoenix gliding behind him. It hurt his eyes, so he cast them downwards.

"So much blood."

Wooty lamented at his side, patting his shoulder.

"Just listen."

The old wizard explained, his voice soft and kind, sounding much closer.

"Open your eyes; you will get used to it."

Snape awoke with a start, his breath uncomfortably shallow and his heartbeat still racing. And yet, a semblance of peace seemed to have nestled in his heart with those last words, that vague promise of improvement- a glimmer of light in that dark and disturbing dream he had been having. And which, he pondered with a trace of irritation, the potion he had drunk should have stopped him from having. He frowned at the cup on the bedside table, obviously the potion had been of the lowest quality- it seemed he had not been asleep for more than a few hours: minute particles of dust floated visible through the rosy rays of light that a setting sun cast on the room through the locked windows, creating a warm and comforting atmosphere. Although he found it suffocating.

Severus lifted himself from the bed with some difficulty, limbs feeling somewhat heavy and stiff, and stumbled towards the bathroom. Once inside he closed the door behind him and leant against the marble counter, feeling faint. Rinsing his face with cool water, he managed to dispel the last remnants of sleep from his mind, and most of the weariness from his body. As he exited the bathroom (his step more firm), the house elf that had served him earlier came running to him, a look of relief on her curious face.

"Young Master be giving Wooty fright, is not finding you, sir."

The house elf led him to the bed on which he sat while Wooty bounced around him, preparing an early supper without even bothering to ask if he was hungry- which, oddly enough, he was.

"Young sir has been sleeping so long! Master Dumbledore and Wooty be starting to worry."

Snape's brow crinkled in slight confusion.

"How long have I been asleep?"

He asked finally, reaching for a cup of juice and taking and experimental sip that he found satisfactory, and even reaching for some bread.

"All one day and a half."

Wooty answered, ears drooping.

"Wooty has been checking on young Master every few hours, but sir sleeps and sleeps..."

Severus blinked in surprise. Nearly two days! That certainly explained why the effect of the potion had worn off, it had actually lasted more than was to be expected. Having suffered from insomnia since a young age, he was used to periods of utter sleeplessness followed by bouts of irresistible drowsiness; yet he could not recall ever having slept so long uninterrupted. Undecided to whether this new occurrence was positive of negative, his mind was quite suddenly flooded with graver issues- what was Dumbledore thinking, letting him sleep for so long? He had to leave. Immediately. Fortunately though, the Dark Lord appeared not to have summoned him during his sleep... he felt quite confident he would have been woken by the excruciating pain that a summon brought about. Instinctively, he clutched at the Dark Mark on his left forearm, feeling disgusted. With a bit of luck the other Death Eaters he was in contact with would not be too interested in his mysterious absence; it was most unadvisable to disappear without notice when betrayals within the fold were so usual and the Dark Lord was preoccupyingly paranoid.

Finally focusing back on reality, he pulled back his hand from the Mark as though burnt, and found the house elf eyeing him a mixture of worry and curiosity.

"Master Dumbledore says to eat and meet him in his office later, Wooty will take sir there when he is finished eating."

Wooty announced before he could voice the question to which she had just offered the answer. Severus nodded and reached for the steaming bowl of broth she had put on a tray before him. He ate though his stomach was roiling with nerves and worry once again.

SsSsSsSsSsSsSsS

Severus followed the house elf down the torch- lit corridors that led to the Headmaster's office, Wooty was chattering at his feet, seemingly oblivious to her lack of audience- for he simply could not bring himself to listen to her babble. He was embarrassingly preoccupied about seeing Dumbledore after their last meeting, in which his most intimate memories had been laid bare for the old wizard's scrutiny; or perhaps it was the knowledge that this would be their last reunion before he had to leave and bow once again before the Dark Lord- this time as a spy.

Wild thoughts of escape flooded his mind: he could probably out-run the house elf; he knew his way through the castle... Could he reach the Astronomy Tower before Dumbledore had a chance to stop his fall? Or the lake, would the squid throw him out before he drowned in its icy waters?

He shook his head angrily. He had made a decision: to help the Light. Dumbledore had given him a chance to do this despite his past faults. An opportunity to redeem himself maybe, although he did not think anything he did would be able to compensate for the things he had done. For, how could saving the life of one erase the blame for the ones he had taken? Surely two different lives did not have the same value- and yet, how could one be worth more than the other?

Lost in his musings he found himself asudden standing before the griffin gargoyle that had barred him entrance upon his arrival, it permitted them to pass grudgingly when Wooty spoke the password (acid pops), but not without sending his way a final glare.

Acid… the word, appearingly innocent, triggered in him the thought of burning guilt and remorse and fear... Building his usual shield against pain (both emotional and physical) was turning out to be harder following his revelatory reunion with Dumbledore. If he had not been able to close his mind and return to the fold of the Death Eaters upon his recognition of the evil of their actions and ideas, then he could not close his mind to such dark ponderings either. The awful feeling of wrongness that he had always identified himself with , but which now seemed stronger than ever, was piercing and painful...and yet utterly deserved.

Snape was not fond of pity, neither from others nor from himself. He detested people who cast the blame on other or circumstance instead of facing their own responsibility. For with liberty of choice came responsibility. No one had forced him to go to the Dark Lord that night... in fact, if he had asked anyone who was not akin to Dark Magic he probably would have been strongly advised not to. It had been his own election. Regret and pointless sighing at the unfortunate past, wishing for things to have been different would bring about no change. Now, he could but walk along to face the only path that may lead to some peace of mind and soul that he had never truly enjoyed. Perhaps he had been a coward not having remained by Lily, what he had seen then as an act of noble selflessness in an attempt to spare her the shame and the pain... had been nothing but cowardice to face the dark having to care about someone. He was mortified by the idea. All in all, his choice had led him here. Erring along the way, bloody and ripped apart but his pieces still held together by a conscious (although sentimental people might call it a heart), and he had no choice now, but to go on. For running away- death- would be cowardice. And he despised it. However tempting it might be at times.

Bellatrix, Lucius... the Dark Lord himself... there was pride and pleasure in every murder their committed, in every tear shed by those they considered inferior to themselves. And though they might act in secret, it was not from fear, but from cunning to achieve their ends. It was a twisted kind of bravery, but one he valued nonetheless.

His thoughts skidded to an abrupt halt at their reaching the door at the top of the revolving staircase. He was about to knock when Wooty simply pushed the door open with the usual lack of decorum that bold and well treated elves usually showed. Severus stepped in after the creature and closed the door behind them. Dumbledore was seated at his desk; he had seemed to have been lost in thought, though as they entered he graced them both with a small smile before turning his attention fully to the bouncing house elf.

"Did Mr. Snape eat properly, Wooty?"

"Yes, sir." Wooty answered gleefully. "Without complaint."

"Very well, I'm glad. Thank you for your services, Wooty."

The house elf bowed low, her nose grazing the carpeted floor, and disapparated with a loud pop. Dumbledore motioned for Snape to take a seat.

"You have rested well I trust, Severus?"

Severus nodded politely, feeling indeed much better than he had in months. Though his thoughts were still uncomfortably shaken, he had set himself a clear purpose he would not deviate from. An honorable one, he dared to hope- feeling somewhat foolish for worrying about honor when he had broken an oath. For, had he not abandoned the Death Eaters upon facing the true darkness that it involved after he had sworn himself to the Dark Lord? Was an oath to Evil less sacred than one to Good?

"You are completely sure you wish to do this?"

Dumbledore asked him suddenly. Severus stared at him blankly. The old wizard contemplated him in silence for a few moments.

"I understand the alternatives are not pleasant, but neither is the job I have commended. You are sure?"

He added finally after the pause. Dumbledore was giving him a chance to back on their agreement. The fact that the leader of the Light side would be willing to surrender a spy- an useful infiltrated in the midst of the Death Eater folds- both irked him and.. touched him. And served only to solvent his resolve.

"I am sure."

sSsSsSsSsSsSsSsS

They had talked long into the night, for dawn was only a few hours away when he finally left the castle. The waning moon was out of sight and the sky tinged red with forthcoming snow as he made his way down to the gates. Dumbledore had insisted in him staying the rest of the night, but Severus had refused emphatically. After all, he had things to prepare before meeting the Dark Lord and... a small part of him feared he would not have the courage to leave otherwise.

Together, the Headmaster and him had organized the ploy: setting excuses, meeting places, forms of communication... He had not been very surprised on learning about the Order of the Phoenix, after all, it only made sense for the Light to count with their own secret organization, since the Ministry could not be relied upon. He had been slightly startled, though, when the old wizard had requested his opinion and ideas- he had been expecting orders without more explanation. It was refreshening... and yet slightly frightening as well. And completely opposed to what could usually be expected in the Dark Lord's servitude. However, Severus could not help but think with a bitter laugh, how ironic it was that he had come to Hogwarts thinking himself free from his latest Master- and he now served two masters instead. Of course Dumbledore would not ask to be bowed before, would not torture as punishment if he failed- but somehow his words and gazes could be just as painful, as was his commandment to remain within the fold, even if it were with noble purposes.

What had truly disconcerted him had been the old wizard's last entreaty. Dumbledore had made him promise loyalty- not to him, but, to himself. Uncomfortable and startled, he had acceded when the Headmaster had insisted, a strange look in his eyes.

Severus could not understand the utility of that: loyal to himself. One could be loyal to oneself in so many ways while still betraying the ones around. And yet Dumbledore (in his folly, thought Snape hesitantly) had only pleaded for him to remain akin to himself. It was- unexplainable.

His thoughts quieted gradually as he reached the gates, which opened easily to his touch. Stepping outside he closed them behind him and rested his forehead against the cool metal bars. A chill breeze whipped his robes around him; the glare of the moon obscured by the heavy red tinted clouds that coated the sky, the frozen snow glittering when a chance ray of moonlight hit it, dizzied him with a false sense of liberty. No voices sounded outside or inside of his head, yet there was no true silence what with the muted howl of the wind, the call of a lonely owl, the rustle of the trees...

"Don't you wish to hear the silence?" Dumbledore has asked him in his dream.

He did not understand it.


	20. Chapter 20

Disclaimer: Do I really have to go over this again?

Note: I'm very, very sorry for the long delay in updating. But with the occassion of the new book I knew I had to finish. I particularly am... rather disappointed and upset at what J.K did with Snape in the end... But, well, that's what fanfiction is for, isn't it? This story is completely spoiler free. Thanks for all the encouraging reviews. I sincerely hope you have enjoyed this story. Thank you very much, once again. And please don't forget to review.

* * *

'May I use your bathroom?' 

"Yes, of course, just down the corridor.'

Albus was quick to point out the way- the boy seemed close to collapse. He did not speak, however, as he contemplated Snape rise shakily from the chair. No words seemed fitting for the situation. Trembling hands striving for support, Severus lifted himself from the seat with some difficulty, the signs of a monumental headache obvious to any moderately observant spectator. Dumbledore was not surprised; prolonged exposure to Legilimancy, however gentle, was a strain upon the subject submitted to it and the tension caused by the memories also contributed to building what was surely an uncomfortable headache. The caster of the spell was also a victim of fatigue, the old wizard thought to himself wryly. Although perhaps it was his old age that made the effort affect him especially, albeit he remembered not a time when he had been forced to make such a long and deep exploration of anyone's mind. This was, after all, a altogether unique situation.

Despite the inevitability of such results after the spell, it was not without concern that Dumbledore pensively brought the tip of his fingers together in an accustomed gesture, and considered carefully all that had taken place since this early morning.

He had hoped, yes, for such a situation to arise- not this terrible tragedy- but for some reneging Death Eater whom would turn loyal to the cause of the Light and bravely volunteer to spy for them. It was a twisted wish, which had made him feel sullied and guilty. For none (not even a murderer?) deserved to be cast into that black abyss that was Voldemort's inner fold, once deserted, at great personal risk and suffering morale. And yet, was this not also a chance for great redemption?

Still, it hurt him, even though he knew now of the terrible things Snape had been responsible for... He believed in second chances, true ones, and not opportunists' ones, subject to the supposed benevolent's gain. But this was not in his own good; it was for the true cause. For the Light, and the triumph of Good over Evil. The comfort and well-being of one individual could not be compared to the whole of the wizarding and non-magical community. Ah, if with one unique altruism could the world be saved- how simple things would be then. But it was not so. They all fought, with their hearts and minds and souls in stake, their very lives, in hope of better times, of defeat of the Dark Side. Though there seemed to be no true end for this historic centuries old competition. He knew in his heart, that some form of equilibrium was necessary. There would be no light without darkness. At the present times, however, there was no such equality. The darkness was threatening to invade everything, consuming the light at alarming speed, disturbing that precarious balance. No, it was clear, Voldemort had to be defeated.

Through his own vague headache and swirling thoughts, he heard dry retching which tore through his heart, in spite of all his mind-speeches of justification of this young one's sacrifice. Was it fair and right to rob the lost-returned nestling from his needed rest, should he condemn him to a life-time of darkness (he could not lie to himself with foolish certainties that Snape would survive this war- which promised to be long and bloody, and sad) for the sake of others? He loved all his children, even the ones gone astray still held a pinprick of his heart, that old man's hope of repentance which he knew to be futile. How could he let go to waste such an amazing possibility of tipping the balance- for the sake of one. One wizard. One Death Eater- former DE. One poisoner. One murderer... One child, even if he had lost his innocence so long ago.

That was another issue. These memories. These truths that had been hidden from him and were now laid painfully bare. This inspection of Snape's mind had been an arduous ordeal for both of them. Severus had been forced to relive his darkest times (his whole life seemed shrouded in gloom) while he, Dumbledore, had been forced to face reality. The veil removed and his eyes surveying the truth of this young man whom had brought so much trouble at Hogwarts- and whom Albus had failed to. He knew objectively that it was useless to lament about past grievances and mistakes. That nothing would be made well with wistful thinking. But the feeling of piercing guilt that had nestled deep in his chest was not to be so easily appeased. Was it truly fair to fling this suffered man to darker times which seemed to show no light beyond a dim and uncertain horizon? But--- wasn't it preferable, this ultimate sacrifice of one already accustomed to the dark, and whom could not miss the light he had never known- even if he yearned for it, and his wish was never to be fulfilled.

Bringing himself out of his grim reverie with the knowledge that he should set out some refreshments for both of them; with a final sigh, he called a house elf, and asked for some tea biscuits- it would not do to force heavy food on Severus, who had not eaten in days and whose stomach would only be further upset by such sudden extravagant attention. With their usual rapid efficiency, a silver tray that glinted in the timid sunlight sprinkled with assorted biscuits and two mugs of warm tea were soon set on a clear space of his desk.

Reaching for his own cup, he took a sip of the soothing liquid and remained for a few moments unmoving, unthinking, with just the comforting warmth of the tea to compete with the troubled coldness of his heart.

The whisper of robes dragging against the wall was audible in the silent office; he looked up in time to see how Severus quickly disembarrassed himself of the wall which had supported his way back from the bathroom, and stepping into the office shakily, scanned the silverware with very obvious mixed emotions blooming on his pale face. The Headmaster managed a small encouraging smile of greeting and, at his invitation, the young man sat back down.

"Are you feeling better, Severus?"

He asked finally, prodding Snape's pride gently with the question. At the untruthful, yet not unexpected answer, Albus could not hold back a smile, even if it was slightly grim. He could not help but be sadly amused by the irony that despite being servant to possibly the most demanding of masters, and despite every humiliation he had been subject to, the boy still maintained a sense of pride. It filled him with relief to know that at his tender age he was not a completely defeated man.

Feeling ridiculously encouraged by Snape's scowl at his own wry answer, he set down to record the day's events. Mere guiding notes, present thoughts and observations, to be perused more leisurely and profoundly at another time. There was no need for a detailed description of the young man's memories, for it was a fact that his memory was prodigious, an incomparable and unquestionable testimony and archive of events.

Upon Severus' failure at helping himself to the snack, Dumbledore abandoned his writings.

"Your tea is getting cold."

He communicated to the wizard seated before him, obviously startling him out of some form of reverie he had fallen into.

"I'm not hungry."

With patience, Albus surveyed the boy in silence, reaching his internal debate an end as he realized with finality that it was impossible for them to ascertain the finer points of their arrangement that day. Not before Snape had rested and fed himself, the boy was on the verge of collapse- both physical and, very probably, emotional. He himself, the old man admitted to himself, needed his rest.

"You cannot go on indefinitely without eating."

He stated finally, his gaze still unwavering on his new recruit. He contemplated with approval as Severus took the proffered cup and brought it to his lips.

"We must speak about the next step of action."

Snape nodded before finally taking a small sip of the tea. Dumbledore noted with some concern as he doubled up, his stomach obviously rebelling. The fact only solvened his resolve to postpone their crucial conversation. Expressing so, he was not surprised at Snape's insistence that there was no need to wait. But Dumbledore only waved his statement aside and motioned for the boy to take some biscuits- he needed to eat.

"As soon as you are finished eating I shall lead you to a room, where you'll be able to take a bath and afterwards sleep. I shall proportion you with a Dreamless Sleep potion."

The finality in his tone indisputable.

Dumbledore's pace was slow and steady as he returned from the guest quarters, in contrast with his racing thoughts. Despite years of being the so-called leader of Light, of taking decisions that had and would affect the lives of uncounted people, it did not remove the inevitable doubt that arose whenever he issued a suggestion, an order... He knew it was pointless; he did not make decisions lightly, but with great thought and analysis. However, he made mistakes, and his mistakes had a tendency to be great, in consonance with the magnitude of the decisions he took. 

He doubted now whether the kindness he had shown to Snape might not have been excessive, out of place, perhaps a sign of his growing weakness with age. One would think that with time and experience, a shield would build and things would be less painful. But it was not so; only in outward appearance might Dumbledore hide the pain the war was causing him. To be fighting against the children he himself had taught... But he could not, though he sometimes, in moments of exquisite weakness, wished for it, to make his heart unfeeling.

When he had turned around to see the young man leaning against the doorway, his mind had been invaded by the memories he had just witnessed, the pain still sharp for both of them. He had been unable to be cold and distant, his words kind and gentle, wishing to soothe that tortured spirit in spite of everything he had seen, or perhaps because of.

Upon reaching his office he found he could not bring himself to lay down and rest, he spent the time pacing; no pensieve was necessary for, the memories were fresh in his mind. His mind already racing ahead with plans about the times to come, and, he could not deny it, with hope, that this would help the war in their favor.

He was startled hours later by a house-elf appearing right before him, very nearly being run over by his pacing.

"Sir, you is still being awake!"

Dumbledore stopped finally, not surprised by the heaviness that settled in his bones as soon as he stood still- he was, after all, no youngster any more.

"Yes, Wooty, I am having some trouble sleeping. Why don't you bring some hot chocolate, I'm sure it will help."

"Yes, of course, sir, Wooty is bringing it right away, sir."

A mug of hot chocolate was indeed brought to him with record rapidity, Dumbledore thanked the elf gravely and, taking the steaming cup, took a seat in one of his more comfortable armchairs.

"Have you checked on our guest, Wooty?"

Dumbledore could not help asking; he had some knowledge on healing magic, but he wondered whether he should perhaps alert the school nurse.

"Young master is being sleeping, sleeping..."

"Very well, thank you, Wooty. You may retire."

Wooty bowed low and disapparated with a loud crack.

It was well into the night before sleep overtook the old man.  
...

"Young sir is still being sleeping, sir." 

Wooty announced the minute he was summoned, after Dumbledore had gotten back from the Great Hall where he had had lunch with the staff that had remained behind in the Christmas holidays and the few students that had also stayed. With a slight frown of worry, he thanked Wooty and dismissed him, before he himself quickly made his way to the guest quarters.

Albus opened the heavy door, silent as to not molest the sleeping man inside. Quietly, he approached the bedside and conjuring a chair he sat down beside the bed.

Severus appeared to be sleeping quite peacefully, still much too pale and thin, but some of the premature lines around his mouth were gone, his lips were slightly parted, his breathing slow and regular. Dumbledore gently caressed the young man's hair, combing it back. Snape's eyelids fluttered slightly, but he did not wake.

_He's so young still...Barely out of his school years and already he has become... Already he has fallen into darkness and strives to crawl back out of the abyss. But I... I hold him round a rope, controlling his ascent and descent back into the dark. I do not allow him to rise from the depths in which he has lived all his wretched life; I am but allowing him to catch a glimpse of the light, only to send him back to the darkness. _Dumbledore sighed sadly, guilt-wrecked and yet resolute, stroking the black locks with exquisite tenderness.

"I'm sorry child."

He pronounced in a soft whisper, with a last caress, he left

... 

He was frankly relieved when the door of his office opened to receive his new young charge and his elven companion. Snape had been sleeping a remarkable amount of time, and Dumbledore had been ready to alert Madam Pomfrey if he did not wake within the next couple of hours. He could not suppress a small smile, both of relief and sincere welcome.

"Did Mr.Snape eat properly, Wooty?"

He asked, although he guessed the answer. The young wizard appeared clearly rested and his gaze was steady.

"Yes, sir." Wooty answered gleefully. "Without complaint."

"Very well, I'm glad. Thank you for your services, Wooty."

The house elf bowed low, her nose grazing the carpeted floor, and disapparated with a loud pop. Dumbledore motioned for Snape to take a seat.

"You have rested well I trust, Severus?"

Severus nodded politely. Though the young wizard had an extraordinary capability to hide his emotions behind an imperturbable facade, the recent emotional upheaval had managed to break through the usual mask of sour impassivity, and Albus could discern without difficulty that his young charge was troubled. Not one, despite all the advantages that could be acquired, to force him against his will to do something he did not wish. He did not wish to be like his other master, even though in the depths of his heart he knew that apart from physical punishments, at least in Snape's mind there would be little difference between the two of them. Still, he did not wish to build ground for future rancors and regrets. No, this was a final step, irrevocable. Snape had to be fully agreeable to it, or there would be no point. One could not hide what one did not wish to hide.

"You are completely sure you wish to do this?"

Dumbledore asked him suddenly. Severus stared at him blankly. The old wizard contemplated him in silence for a few moments.

"I understand the alternatives are not pleasant, but neither is the job I have commended. You are sure?"

He added finally after the pause.

"I am sure."

Yes, he did indeed seem resolute. And Dumbledore could not deny it to himself- he was relieved. This was not an occurrence that he had ever deemed possible to develop, although he had hoped- fighting against the feelings of guilt and dirtiness that assaulted him- that an opportunity like this one would arrive. So many lives could be spared by a spy right in Voldemort's inner fold. So many already risked their lives, their souls, for the Light... what difference did one more make? And one that was but redeeming himself. It just seemed cruel to send him back when he had managed to crawl out, torn and bloody... patch him up and toss him back in, pulling at the string around his neck to bring him back into the light when needed. It was a matter of numbers, of contra resting one with the other, of duty and redemption. Of hope.

They had talked long into the night, for dawn was only a few hours away when he finally left the castle. The waning moon was out of sight and the sky tinged red with forthcoming snow as he made his way down to the gates. Dumbledore had insisted in him staying the rest of the night, but Severus had refused emphatically.

He had included and valued Severus' opinion and suggestions to organize the ploy. He had noticed the boy was surprised, and was himself not so. After all, he doubted Voldemort took much counsel from his subordinates. He had told his new charge about the Order of the Phoenix, and though he felt strangely trusting towards the wizard, he had of course, for the safety of all, revealed only minor details about the organization.

What had truly startled Severus it seemed, had been Dumbledore's last petition.

"Severus, I'd like you to promise me something."

There had been hesitancy in the boy, which was not unexpected after what his last promises had taken him to.

"Yes?"

"I want you to promise... I want you to promise you will always be loyal to yourself."

It was obvious Severus had been startled by his request, and Dumbledore himself had his doubts... was he exceeding in this new found trust between the two of them? Was it safe to trust his heart? Now that it had been made painfully clear that he had been blind for so long to the suffering of the ones enshrouded in darkness? But even after 150 years, 150 years in a world of things extraordinary beyond imagination, there was one unexplainable and irrefutable force. That of love. Yes, he could not but trust his heart. He had been sadly blind to Snape's misery and probably to others, but it had been his own folly that had drowned out the inerrant guidance of his heart. He could never forgive himself. But he would be sure not to make the same mistakes again.

He did not wish the boy to be enslaved to him as he had been/was to Voldemort. He wished the wizard to freely serve the side he deemed appropriate. He trusted that his heart was pure despite it being torn so badly by pain. He knew in his heart that he could trust Severus.

And Albus was glad he had made that unprecedented entreaty, as he glimpsed the fear in the young man's eyes, caught his hesitation in the slightest quiver of his lip before he nodded brusquely and turning on his heel, left quickly. The boy was not his servant, he was following his own heart. And Dumbledore was glad for this, and proud, and only hoped that Severus would realize this too.

Snape left without a glance back, while Dumbledore watched the door through which he had just exited. Wishing to call him back and cradle him in his arms, put him to sleep and make the pain in his body and heart face away. He sighed.

Dumbledore had pondered at times, why he insisted on being the Headmaster of Hogwarts, why he wished to teach children when he could have, perhaps, been a great investigator at the Department of Mysteries or an excellent Auror. Or countless other possibilities, he was not immodest, but he knew himself to be a very great wizard. Sometimes he wondered if he enjoyed suffering; it caused him pain, to see the young unstained pureness of the children wither away. (Although there were, of course, those who already came to Hogwarts marked by pain and suffering). ). Then he would see a child zoom past in his new broom, his face exultant, his friends cheering from the ground... or have an enthusiastic first year turn his beard green...or a pair of students rush to help a classmate who tottered under the weight of her books... and he knew why he could never abandon teaching.

He was lucky to see that innocence shine, even though it was condemned to fade away, and to shield that fragile flame as long he could, to make it, maybe, strong enough to endure the darkness and illumine them in the shadowed paths most were doomed to tread.

Walking to the window he leaned against the glass and looked out into the winter night. The frost on the ground glittering when the chance ray of moonlight managed to reach it, in stark contrast to the inky shadows. The sky a clear sign of oncoming snow. He contemplated in silence the black figure that was Severus Snape pause at the gates- his new spy, the long-lost returned child, a young man on the hard path to redemption- and disappear.


End file.
